To not give my liar boyfriend yet another chance

[Mulber]

My ex lied to me on multiple occasions. We're both in our 30s and were together for almost 2 years.

We met online. He lied to me about his weight initially and sent me a very old photo. I overlooked this as we hit it off when I met him in person.

He then lied to me about his salary. 3 times actually. He's on 10k less than what he initially told me.

Again, just small, inconsequential things I thought. He'd also hide some details or twist the truth on top of this.

The very last incident was he's been telling me he's going in to the office (he works hybrid), but I caught him at home one day he told me he was in the office. He then confessed that he was doing this from time to time when he felt unmotivated to go in and didn't want to look lazy. He had been doing it for a year. I ended the relationship.

All of his lies relate to the bad light he sees himself in and shame he feels. He lies to come across as a better person in his mind. He started therapy immediately (couldn't afford previously but loaned some money from his family) and asked for another chance.

Turns out his childhood trauma is causing almost an automatic lying reaction. He's been trying to address this and I was trying to give him some space.

Yesterday the same thing happened... Told me he was in the office but he was actually at home. He wasn't coming clean straight away either this time unlike other times, thinking I'd end it. Well, I did end it when I found out he lied to me about the SAME THING that caused our breakup only a month ago.

Today I received a very heartfelt message, taking all the accountability. Saying that I was a great partner and never put him in positions to lie but he did so unprompted and that he's ashamed. He says he loves me and is trying so hard and it was the only lie he told me in the last month. He's asking for one last chance.

I love him soooo much and it hurts so bad because I miss him and though I was going to settle with him. But I don't think this relationship is good for me.

My close friend just said that when he started therapy I knew it would be a long and hard journey and I accepted him back, so she thinks it's unreasonable to throw in towel at the first lie... What do you think? AIBU for not giving him ANOTHER chance?

"He wasn't coming clean straight away either this time unlike other times, thinking I'd end it. Well, I did end it when I found out he lied to me about the SAME THING that caused our breakup only a month ago."

End it.

You know what to do, OP. Good luck.

It's only taken a month to lie again. That is not great odds on a future with no lies. He needs to work on himself before he is ready to be in a relationship.

And he'll carry on lying because you're giving him chance after chance.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But ultimately the choice is yours. Anyhow, if you let him back and he does it again, you can come on Mumsnet and ask about, can't you? You won't be the only one!

He's a liar who understands why he lies, but keeps lying, then?

I wouldn't stick around waiting for therapy to work. It's an automatic response, OP - he's not going to stop doing it, no matter how good the therapist is.

You do sound judgemental. Most of the stuff he has 'lied' about isn't really any of your business IMHO.

Throw him back. It’s just going to become a stuck record otherwise. It’s not up to you to fix this man.

Childhood trauma can lead to all sorts of very major issues as an adult such as personality disorders. He has extremely low self esteem - that's why he lies - you cannot help him with this or fix him because it stems from childhood and is way too entrenched. It is completely abnormal and dysfunctional to have to work so hard at not lying.

Wish him well and walk away OP, who knows exactly what's going on with him - but what ever the case he needs long term professional help. He cannot change himself and you cannot help him.

You are always going to be wondering if he’s telling the truth which is no way to live.

I would wish him good luck with the therapy and remain split. You need to be able to trust your partner - especially when life throws you an unexpected curve ball.

End it now

He needs to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to tolerate his lies. Not you. I couldn't put up with that, therapy or not.

I'm disappointed that 8% of people think you are unreasonable, assuming they did not press the wrong button.

Your friend is right about therapy taking a long time but this is a reason not to date him for a few months/years/ever not to put up with his compulsive lying

A family member is a pathological liar, for what sounds like a similar reason. God, he’s not someone I’d want to be in a relationship with. The lies are so senseless. Cut him loose OP. This will take years, not months, to fix in therapy, if it’s even possible.

This.

I think you've posted before about your boyfriend OP.- i remember your story.

I'm sorry but I don't think he will change and you have been really forgiving with him . I think it's best for you to end the relationship for your own good.

It's her business when she is being lied to, raise your bar.

End the relationship and go back when you see improvement.
That gives him incentive to work harder at change

If this was a man wanting to know a woman's weight, how much she earned and why she was working from home he would be slated. None of OPs business.

Having been in a similar position - the lying about pointless things likely comes from a need to protect from anyone seeing what he perceives as the worst parts of himself, he wants to be a better person and talks himself into another version of himself which doesn’t actually match up to the reality of his life. Childhood trauma has a lot to answer for.

But however sorry anyone feels for him for not being able to live up to the person he wants to be (and pretends to be) you are not his emotional support human. You do not have to accept the way he is and your friend is wrong for trying to shame you into acceptance.

Don't be daft, op. Love isn't everything, as you've already learned the hard way. He's a liar, he can't be trusted, and his baggage is going to ruin your life. Get shot of him.

And OP said she asked those things? Or he just told lies for no reason? A partner who lies isn't a good partner, end of.

A leopard doesn't change its spots.

Lying has become such an ingrained habit with him that he will lie about anything and everything, however trivial. He's addicted to it.
It is going to take years and years of therapy for him to get to the bottom of why he does it, and to train himself to stop doing it. And that's if he wants to. In the meantime, he will continue to lie to you.

He says he's started therapy, but can you believe him? If he actually is seeing a therapist, how will you know whether he is telling the therapist the truth or not? How will you know whether he is telling you the truth about anything?

I'm sorry, but I couldn't put up with it.

I think the bit your friend is missing op is that he should do this therapy FOR HIM and you should end it FOR YOU. It's not for you to be his motivation and to stick around and wait and tbh no good friend is going to be advocating that you waste time waiting on someone who's untrustworthy even if they are self improving, when you could go out and find someone who's already trustworthy now. It's not your job to fix him. It's his job to fix himself and make sure he's ready to be in a healthy relationship before he gets into one.