To not give my liar boyfriend yet another chance

[Mulber]

My ex lied to me on multiple occasions. We're both in our 30s and were together for almost 2 years.

We met online. He lied to me about his weight initially and sent me a very old photo. I overlooked this as we hit it off when I met him in person.

He then lied to me about his salary. 3 times actually. He's on 10k less than what he initially told me.

Again, just small, inconsequential things I thought. He'd also hide some details or twist the truth on top of this.

The very last incident was he's been telling me he's going in to the office (he works hybrid), but I caught him at home one day he told me he was in the office. He then confessed that he was doing this from time to time when he felt unmotivated to go in and didn't want to look lazy. He had been doing it for a year. I ended the relationship.

All of his lies relate to the bad light he sees himself in and shame he feels. He lies to come across as a better person in his mind. He started therapy immediately (couldn't afford previously but loaned some money from his family) and asked for another chance.

Turns out his childhood trauma is causing almost an automatic lying reaction. He's been trying to address this and I was trying to give him some space.

Yesterday the same thing happened... Told me he was in the office but he was actually at home. He wasn't coming clean straight away either this time unlike other times, thinking I'd end it. Well, I did end it when I found out he lied to me about the SAME THING that caused our breakup only a month ago.

Today I received a very heartfelt message, taking all the accountability. Saying that I was a great partner and never put him in positions to lie but he did so unprompted and that he's ashamed. He says he loves me and is trying so hard and it was the only lie he told me in the last month. He's asking for one last chance.

I love him soooo much and it hurts so bad because I miss him and though I was going to settle with him. But I don't think this relationship is good for me.

My close friend just said that when he started therapy I knew it would be a long and hard journey and I accepted him back, so she thinks it's unreasonable to throw in towel at the first lie... What do you think? AIBU for not giving him ANOTHER chance?

He should do the therapy and the work, and then maybe you guys get back together then, when he's ready for a relationship. He isn't ready now because he has work to do on himself.

You posted last month right? You got lots and lots of advice about ending it then.

Totally appreciate you wanted to give it another go but I suspect if you do again, you'll be back here posting the same in another few weeks. He's clearly got a problem. But it's also not your problem to solve.

The more you say you're going to end it if he lies and then don't, the more you're telling him it's okay to do it.

Good luck

That's an insane way of viewing it. If it's none of her business or her bf doesn't want to answer he can just say that. There is no excuse for lying.

Don't waste another day of your life on this liar.

I saw this quote on instagram today -
“Apologise without changed behaviour is manipulation”

one of Mumsnet’s brilliant life lessons -
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them”

Simply put -
“Actions speak louder than words”

I think you posted about this some time ago. Nothing seems to have changed so what's the point to be with him.

He persists in lying to you: what trust can there be when he lies over such minor shit as not going to the office? He’s broken your trust AGAIN.

Run…

My youngest DD has a tendency to reactively lie if she’s put on the spot due to childhood trauma at the hands of my exH. She’s had therapy to address this but I also have to be very careful how I phrase things so as not to make her feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights. You understand why he does it … why does it matter to you if he goes to the office or not?

Sounds like my ex husband. You just can’t trust people who lie all the time. Get rid - you didn’t cause it, and you certainly can’t cure it.

" Should I give him another chance? "

What, at lying to you the first chance he gets? Yes, sure, you go ahead. Why not.

He deliberately lied to make himself look better. If she had asked a question about any of these things he could have just declined to answer.

I used to have a friend who had similar behaviour. Its one of the reasons why we are no longer friends. What kind of childhood trauma causes behaviour such as this?

My close friend just said that when he started therapy I knew it would be a long and hard journey and I accepted him back, so she thinks it's unreasonable to throw in towel at the first lie... Why does your friend care more about your partner's well being than about yours? You're not an emotional support system, you're a human being and you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. You have every right to leave any romantic relationship for any reason and it sounds like you've fully realised that this one is negatively impacting your own emotional/mental health.

Also keep in mind, if you're feeling guilty and responsible: he didn't start therapy for you. Getting professional help was the right and necessary thing for him, and it sounds like it's already paid off a lot in self-understanding, if not yet in permanent changes to behaviour. What he gains if he sticks with it will benefit him in every area of life, possibly including with a future partner that may not be you. Some therapists would say he'd likely make more progress with his issues if he's single and therefore focused on the process rather than being distracted by what you'll think or want or need.

(Ed for typo - changed > changes.)

Thanks.

I never directly asked him any of these questions. He either offered up info unprompted or it came up as a natural way of conversation.

I don't think those topics weren't my business though. For instance, we were considering buying a house together next year. Of course we needed to know what each other's on to determine the mortgage cap and therefore our budget... And agreed, he could've always refused to answer at any point and I'd never react negatively (I've always been an easygoing partner).

In his last message he repeatedly say that none that was my fault. I have a clean conscience about how everything went about, also that I tried to hard to make this work.

The more I think about the more I get convinced that I cannot be happy like this, but I love and miss him so much.

Honestly,I would bin him off. He'll only keep doing it. I finished with an ex 7 years ago for the same reason. It was just lie after lie. Sometimes it was inconsequential things,but increasingly it was major things,like him going abroad to see his family, saying he was DEFINITELY going for one month,then 2 weeks in,informing me he was actually staying for 3 months. I got sick of being taken for a fool. The sense of relief when I finished with him was immense.

You are not here to fix him. That is not your job or any one else’s. Move on and be happy.

Exactly.

Get rid.

I just read something on Facebook that you need to take into your heart. This isn’t a come to Jesus moment I swear.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for damaged men.

He knew he had issues and could have sorted them at any point. Go and find someone who’s already healed. Life is too short to waste on damaged men.

I’m sorry op. Of course those topics were your business. But these are the lies you know about, he could ( and probably is ) lying about so much else. You will never be able to trust him.

but I caught him at home one day he told me he was in the office.

How did you catch him at home?

Perhaps he feels like you are checking up on him and he doesn’t need to tell you whether he’s working from home or the office.

I actually hate liars, so I can absolutely see your POV but I wouldn’t like someone I’m dating to know every detail about my life and feeling like my parent rather than my partner.

It soubds as though he planned to work in the office but then decided against it, which is ok because he’s in control of his own life.

As my post says, he'd been doing it for a whole year. So clearly I wasn't going after him like a detective.

He works hybrid (or I thought he did). And like a normal relationship, I would like to have a general idea where my partner is in a day. Not talking about nipping to the shop or whatever. I'd wake up to his texts saying he's heading into the office...

The way I caught him was he slipped up a couple of times like he gave me a call at lunch one day and it was obvious he's home (no background noise, saying things like 'let me grab lunch and get back home... I mean the office!!'). One of those day I drove to his house because I thought I was going crazy because of his previous lies.

My ex was a serial liar. He would even lie to people while I was standing fright next to him. For instance he would say to somebody that our rent was £70 a week then turn to me to confirm it. I would just nod sheepishly, knowing very well it was only £50 a week. Then he would come home from work telling me a friend was seriously injured and in a coma. I saw the friend 2 days later in fine health. When I tackled him about his lies he would deny he ever said it. Unfortunately I stayed with him far longer than I should have done. It was very draining

Liars DO NOT EVER CHANGE!!! What is it you love so much about him that being a compulsive liar doesn't put you completely off ?? It's one of the worst traits ANYONE can have and utterly unforgiveable to lie like that. You will NEVER be able to trust him. You only have his word that he's even seeing a therapist, and only his dubious word about how it's benefitting him. You deserve so much more. Please walk away and don't look back.

Pigs will fly before therapy helps him.