To just want my head and it all to stop

[stoppingtheroundabout]

I suffer from anxiety which is increasingly debilitating, usually focused on DD10s health. Have been doing CBT but today, I’ve reached rock bottom.

DD was at an indoor play center with DM for an hour and, on collecting them, I realised that the place and her hands reeked of creosote, a wood preservative which is banned for use as it’s carcinogenic. When I asked, the center said that they reused railway sleepers in the play area but have had them ‘treated’ so they are safe. A quick google indicates that the fumes and the liquid itself is toxic and carcinogenic after long term exposure. There is no effective treatment.

I know that there is nothing that I can do now. And that the risk is small - I hope - as it was an hour or two exposure. But I haven’t stopped worrying since, it’s all consuming - googling, lying in bed looking up statistics and research papers. I called in sick to work. Sent DD over for tea next door. It’s like my head is stuck.

I suspect that I know what the answer is but I need to hear this from others I think. So please can you post if (1) this a real risk that you would worry about and (2) whether this an anyway normal response?

thank you very much

I would not worry about this risk and you response is not normal.

An hour in the general area of the creosote will be so little exposure as to have to impact whatsoever. If she were working ten hour days in an unventilated area with the stuff for months on end, that’s different.

Please go to your GP for meds to supplement the CBT.

Dear OP, I think you know this response isn't normal? What CBT strategies can you practice right away?

And no, Google is not your friend in this situation. A short time in a play centre cannot possibly constitute a long term exposure.

Please stop falling into the rabbit hole of statistics and research papers. Please go to work. Please don't let health anxiety hijack your life.

Absolutely no risk in these circumstances. You should see your GP for help, this is impacting your life (and potentially DDs) negatively.

I totally get it OP. I have been like this in the past - on and off medication for years. I finally beat it with a much longer course of citalopram(4 years). I can now shut down spiralling thoughts quickly. Speak to your GP, if I can do it, you can too.

Thank you.@JollyGreenSnake you’re right, it’s hijacking my life and yes, @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug DD has started talking about my worrying so it’s impacting her now also. I am
a shadow of who I was a year ago and at a stage where I would prefer to end everything now just to ease my head (something that I would never actually do).

@Mongrelsrbeautiful thank you, am in tears as it’s hard to describe. It was my GP recommended CBT, I was very upfront with how bad my head is but she was reluctant to initially prescribe long term meds. Will go back to her as soon as I’m back functioning again.

No, if your thoughts are spiralling to the point of thinking of suicide because your thoughts are spiralling, you really need to seek help. Please do, because this sort of anxiety will be passed on to your children.

You know your worries are excessive and you obviously realise this is a problem, so please take advice and seek help x

I know it’s not really the point, but it might help ease your worries. It’s incredibly unlikely they have used creosote. It’s not even generally available. Most “railway sleepers” are just pressure treated timber (not creosote) made to the same general dimensions.

Even if they had though, that level of exposure wouldn’t do her harm.

You need to take citalopram.

Big hugs. Been there and recovering.

Have you heard of post natal obsessive compulsive disorder? I think you should have a Google, you’ll need more than CBT. Took me 6 years to get over the first big “flair up” and now it’s mostly stable

I thought creosote was banned

@Lilysgoneshopping yes it is banned but it was definitely creosote as the owner confirmed it and said that the sleepers were over a decade old and had been treated for safety since. I’m not sure about that though as the place and her hands and clothes absolutely stank of it.

I feel for you. I am also up worrying about something. When I look at your reason to worry, I can objectively say that your reaction isn’t justified, much harder with my own! I do think you need help, for both you and your DC’s sake. There is so much that can be done to help, no point wasting life on obsessive worries. Same applies to me, by the way! xx

@SarahLdn740 happy to offer a listening ear if you’d like to share, it’s awful isn’t it?

You posting this is simply another way of satisfying your health anxiety and OCD. Trust me, I’ve been there. I suffer too. Posting for reassurance is just giving in to the health anxiety compulsions. You will get reassuring replies which will calm your worries temporarily, and then you will go right back to googling and posting 30 minutes later. Again, I’ve lost too many hours (probably days) of my life to this illness.

Stop googling, stop seeking reassurance. Look into medication and practice your CBT. Your daughter will be fine x

@stoppingtheroundabout please reread this.

Thank you so much. I’d feel stupid even writing about it as actually realising it’s ridiculous (I think I’m getting tired of worrying about it now, but it will be something else tomorrow!). I have been in psychotherapy and my therapist’s advice is actually to just observe these thoughts but not to feed them by e.g. googling or seeking reassurance. I’m getting better at it, but not tonight!

Anyway, you're far from alone. Thinking of you and hope that maybe this thread will give you a nudge to seek help. It’s worth it!

This!

I feel for you op. Health anxiety is awful. Especially around your children as they are just so precious.
I wouldnt be worried about this but it’s easy for me to say that. I know however that sometimes we just need our anxious thoughts validated but then discounted. Your DD will be fine. Please continue with your therapy and medication if you can. Really helped me. Sending hugs xx

I think you’re right to worry about it personally. I wouldn’t expect anything treated with creosote to be used in an indoor play area with kids. However… I would direct that worry into an email to the centre manager or just not send my DD there again. I wouldn’t fixate to the point it made me ill.

I wouldn't be happy about that either OP. I still have nightmares about some dust we were exposed to at our dentist but realistically there's nothing I could do.

Please report it though. Health and Safety Executive, Trading Standards, Environmental Health etc. For the children's sake but also the employees.

I've lived with horrendous heath anxiety, both related to my own health and my son's. The one thing that helped was thinking "Ok, if I had done something that meant my son was going to get seriously ill in 5 years' time, would I really want to spend those 5 years worrying like this?"
I know that sounds blasé, but it's the only thing that worked. As you know, reassurance and certainty-seeming absolutely doesn't and just makes it worse. I really feel for you.

OP all through my childhood our NDN used to creosote our shared fence every year.

My infant and junior schools were timber clad and they were also treated with it regularly.

It's a very familiar smell from my youth.

I am 66.

I wouldn't give it a second thought. Or I might put it on local Facebook to highlight it. But anxiety? Called in sick, wtf? Please talk to your gp again, and seek out support in all the good books / counselling etc aswell. because this is so severe, it's out of hand.

Just wanted to point out that creosote is only banned for sale to the general public - you can still buy it to use professionally. We use it to treat outbuildings and fences (farm). While long-term exposure is linked to an increased cancer risk, a brief encounter with it is not going to harm anyone.