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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my relationship is doomed because of this?

47 replies

Gloriafool · 31/07/2024 22:00

Never wanted a long distance relationship but I ended up falling for a man who’d just been offered a job overseas. We’ve been together a few months and he’s already started work there, but is coming back to the UK for 3 weeks. He’ll be in London during those 3 weeks I’m based in Cheshire. He’ll be really busy during that time.

The plan had been for me to stay with him and work from London for 3 weeks (my boss is fine with that), and we’d decided that during that time we’d properly chat about the future and how we’ll make things works.

We just found out that the serviced apartment that his company are offering him for those 3 weeks, will not allow him to have another person stay, even if we top up the price difference. This is completely unexpected and there isn’t an option for him to stay elsewhere (not one that wouldn’t cost ££££ out of pocket, anyway).

I could still go down and stay with a friend but that wouldn’t give us much time to be together after our respective long days at work.

I know it’s probably the disappointment talking but I feel so hopeless and down now. I was really relying on that time to help us figure out our next move, and was looking forward to the time with him.

Now I feel really anxious and like cutting my losses. I realise throwing the towel in is a knee jerk reaction but I feel overwhelming frustrated about it.

OP posts:
dudsville · 31/07/2024 22:04

I think i would feel the same. It just seems too impractical to make it work without one of you changing jobs, and it's very early days in your relationship for such a grand gesture unless one of you is not really committed to the job.

wombpaloumbpa · 31/07/2024 22:07

Hmm am I being outrageous to think he could have snuck you in?! At least for a night or two!

I'm really sorry, what a dilemma. Maybe let the dust settle then go with your gut.

Original poster
Gloriafool · 31/07/2024 22:09

wombpaloumbpa · 31/07/2024 22:07

Hmm am I being outrageous to think he could have snuck you in?! At least for a night or two!

I'm really sorry, what a dilemma. Maybe let the dust settle then go with your gut.

I thought so too! I’m not sure if I’d have asked permission, personally. But he seemed keen to do things by the book and within company policy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gloriafool · 31/07/2024 22:10

dudsville · 31/07/2024 22:04

I think i would feel the same. It just seems too impractical to make it work without one of you changing jobs, and it's very early days in your relationship for such a grand gesture unless one of you is not really committed to the job.

The long distance itself didn’t seem insurmountable. There were options we had talked about to make it work and to eventually be in the same place. I’d just really been relying on those 3 weeks together to be able to bed that down.

OP posts:
BikesIHaveLost · 31/07/2024 22:11

How is anyone going to know that he has an extra guest, though? I think this is likely to be a brush off, but it’s probably just as well. It’s perfectly possible to have a LDR once you’ve been together a while, but starting off at a distance doesn’t give you any kind of basis to start from.

MoleAndBadger · 31/07/2024 22:13

I don't understand. How did his company find out that you were planning to stay?

Timeisnevertimeatall · 31/07/2024 22:13

He's just not that into you. He has left the country, is coming back to somewhere 4 hours from you, can't find time or space for you. You are being faded out.

Original poster
Gloriafool · 31/07/2024 22:14

MoleAndBadger · 31/07/2024 22:13

I don't understand. How did his company find out that you were planning to stay?

There are other colleagues of his working on the same project, staying there. Plus I would need a key to come and go as needed. To be honest we didn’t consider not asking as we assumed it’d be fine as it’s a whole studio. We just asked out of courtesy and so I could get the extra key!

OP posts:
brandonsunflowers · 31/07/2024 22:16

I would cut my losses. If you never actually see him, what relationship is there?

Doingtheboxerbeat · 31/07/2024 22:16

If he was smart enough to secure a cushty job overseas then he should be clever enough to ask for forgiveness rather than permission and just snuck you in - it's very suspicious.

Whenthesilenceisntquiet · 31/07/2024 22:17

Sounds like he’s either away and you can’t be together, or he’s in the UK and you still can’t be together.

It seems it’s just not going to work.

I would throw him back & move on, to be honest.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 31/07/2024 22:18

Actually ignore my post OP I didn't see your update until after .

Original poster
Gloriafool · 31/07/2024 22:26

Timeisnevertimeatall · 31/07/2024 22:13

He's just not that into you. He has left the country, is coming back to somewhere 4 hours from you, can't find time or space for you. You are being faded out.

He definitely will find time for me. He’s been upbeat about it and said I could just stay at my friends’s and we’ll just see each other in the evenings, but not be able to stay over as planned, or maybe just sneak 1 or 2 nights.

It’s me that feels really upset about it and like not being able to actually stay there with him, is the be all and end all.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 31/07/2024 22:35

Does he have to stay at the serviced apartment or could you try and find an Airbnb for you both for the 3 weeks? I know it's going cost you both but if it's your only chance to spend time together for a good while, it might be worth the expense?

VJBR · 31/07/2024 22:35

It all honestly sounds too difficult and on his terms. I think I would just finish it. If he really likes you he needs to finish working abroad.

NotSoHotMess24 · 31/07/2024 22:52

Sorry OP, I'd finish it. Sounds like a lot of hard work and heartache waiting to happen. Not surprised you are disappointed though, it's unlucky how it's panned out x

UnNiddeRides · 31/07/2024 22:55

How long is a few months, and how many times have you met face-to-face?

Paperweight7 · 31/07/2024 22:59

Noseybookworm · 31/07/2024 22:35

Does he have to stay at the serviced apartment or could you try and find an Airbnb for you both for the 3 weeks? I know it's going cost you both but if it's your only chance to spend time together for a good while, it might be worth the expense?

Yeah this. I don't get why you both can't just book something else, even for a week. You will get to spend time with each other and discuss important things. Worth spending the extra money surely?

Cobblersorchard · 31/07/2024 23:02

No, bin this one off. It’s not meant to be this hard.
Sometimes it’s the wrong person, sometimes it’s the right person, wrong time.

Next please!

RazzleDazz1e · 31/07/2024 23:07

How far away is he? Couldn’t you take some annual leave and go stay with him?

ffssssssssssss · 31/07/2024 23:21

If he wanted to - he would.

Sorry OP.

Original poster
Gloriafool · 01/08/2024 02:36

RazzleDazz1e · 31/07/2024 23:07

How far away is he? Couldn’t you take some annual leave and go stay with him?

I definitely will later in the year. It’s already planned, in fact.

It’s really just that the 3 weeks we had planned was supposed too be an important time where we finally got to sit down and work out our long term plan, so we weren’t long distance indefinitely.

He’s insistent that I should still go to London during that time and that we’ll just have dinners, etc. but I just feel really thrown off and disheartened at there being no overnights, morning coffees, etc.

OP posts:
MrsPCR · 05/08/2024 23:04

Going against the grain, but if you like this guy and think he could have a long term future, if you could work out logistics, I would still go and stay with the friend for 3 weeks. You could still see each other a lot, and I think it will help you to make the right decision. I think either, it will strengthen your relationship, so you'll look for a way to make it work or, you'll find you were looking through rose tinted glasses and it wasn't as good as you remember in the absence. Could he stay at the friend's a couple of nights if he's got any free time? Or an overnight trip away? If he's really that busy, maybe it won't matter that you're not actually staying together?

He sounds keen still, so I think if you think it has potential, go still. If it all goes wrong, you can leave after the first week!

I think you'll always have questions and what ifs if you don't go.

I met a guy whilst abroad, from the UK, opposite side of the country to me. We had an amazing couple of weeks together, really clicked and I was a little heartbroken when he left. We carried on the relationship long distance for a couple of months until I went back to the UK. We were then 6-8? Hours away bu train. I made that journey as soon as I could and was so pleased to see him, but that quickly changed, and we realised we were too different and it was just a holiday romance type scenario, we wouldn't work in real life. But I don't regret going to see him and knowing that he was not 'the one'. That chapter in my life was properly finished.

The following week, I got with Mr. PCR 😉

MsCactus · 05/08/2024 23:13

Can't you book an airbnb for three weeks and split the cost? That sounds easiest to me

Vonesk · 05/08/2024 23:40

Dear Barbara Cartland wrote a book called : Love ,Life, and Seggs. Lots of Romance advice in there; one thing quite telling: It is unreasonable for man who has been posted abroad to expect a damsel to put her life on hold while hes away and ' wait'......You are in this category . You are asking too much of yourself. Ditch him. Enjoy Life, stop trying to fix this. The UNIVERSE is giving you a sign.

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