To think my relationship is doomed because of this?

[Gloriafool]

Never wanted a long distance relationship but I ended up falling for a man who’d just been offered a job overseas. We’ve been together a few months and he’s already started work there, but is coming back to the UK for 3 weeks. He’ll be in London during those 3 weeks I’m based in Cheshire. He’ll be really busy during that time.

The plan had been for me to stay with him and work from London for 3 weeks (my boss is fine with that), and we’d decided that during that time we’d properly chat about the future and how we’ll make things works.

We just found out that the serviced apartment that his company are offering him for those 3 weeks, will not allow him to have another person stay, even if we top up the price difference. This is completely unexpected and there isn’t an option for him to stay elsewhere (not one that wouldn’t cost ££££ out of pocket, anyway).

I could still go down and stay with a friend but that wouldn’t give us much time to be together after our respective long days at work.

I know it’s probably the disappointment talking but I feel so hopeless and down now. I was really relying on that time to help us figure out our next move, and was looking forward to the time with him.

Now I feel really anxious and like cutting my losses. I realise throwing the towel in is a knee jerk reaction but I feel overwhelming frustrated about it.

Honestly, I would be disappointed too and would be tempted to cut my losses and not waste any more time on this relationship. You are fundamentally at different points in your life.

This. Either he's not resourceful enough to solve the problem or he's not trying. Either way, it's not good.

He won't be working at the weekends surely? Just book yourself into a hotel.

If you've only been together 8-12 weeks you need to get a grip OP

I think this would put me off, honestly.

OP, you are silly to be hanging around waiting for crumbs.

You are trying far too hard and he is suiting himself.

HE should be making your visit work but has told you stay with a friend.

You are wasting your time, he is suiting himself.

If you value your mental health, and this relationship now.

Typo it should have said end this would relationship now

There will be weekends in that 3 weeks you can spend together, if he tells you he’s working those then he’s lying!

Stay with the friend, spend as much time as you can with him & see how it goes.

Completely different view: I met a boyfriend on a week’s trip to Sydney. Knew immediately that it was something special and we made it work for a year - we would literally fly from London to Australia/back again for a long weekend. Mental. But when you want something enough you make it work. Don’t let some quibbles about accommodation stop you having meaningful time together. Definitely come and stay with your friend in London and see what plays out. What do you have to lose?

I find that really odd that someone would be expected to work overseas but they're not allowed someone to stay in their apartment. Everyone else I've known in this situation, they often will pay for your partner to visit you or pay for you to go back home. Maybe he needs to negotiate his terms better. You could give it a time limit, then reassess in another 3 months? The relationship may fizzle out given its so new

The most likely reason for the company to say no is if he's sharing the actual flat, and that would be fair. I really really don't want to hear my colleague's budding romance on a work trip, nobody does.

If it meant a lot to you both, you could rent a studio for the 3 weeks. Plenty here for £1260 for the 3 weeks, that's £630 each. Or you could go for just 1 or 2 weeks if you don't have that much. If "stay at your friend's place" is his effort level a few months in though, this one isn't going to work.

I think you are being a bit dramatic - you potentially (if you can work things out) have the rest of your lives together yet you are upset and ready to end things because you can't share morning coffees for 3 weeks??

I can undertand you being disappointed that you can't stay with him but I would still go down and visit (maybe not for the whole 3 weeks) and you will still have time to discuss your future together.

Why can't he ask his work to organise alternative accommodation that you can stay at? Seems like a rubbish employer if they can't acknowledge that their employees actually have lives and relationships outside work and want to maintain them when they're home.

So employees who have children or are married/in LTRs are also not allowed to have anyone stay with them? I would assume he's feeding you horseshit. You barely know each other. He probably doesn't want you living with him for 3 weeks, but would like you conveniently nearby for sex. And regardless, this is what the future looks like. He works abroad and occasionally visits another city that you don't live in and where you're unable to stay with him. Bin him and find someone who will give you more than crumbs, before you get even more emotionally invested in this.

This.
I find it wholly unbelievable that who he had to stay in his down time would be dictated to.
Unbelievable.

Is he as into you as you are him? A bit weird that someone gets to dictate whether or not his partner can stay. Sounds more like a prison sentence - why did he take the job on?!

I’d would just sneak into his accommodation- what is the worse that can happen if you get coughs?? X

This 👍

Hi op, I had a long distance relationship for years and then eventually married him!

Lds are not easy but there needs to be compromise on both sides.

I don’t really know what to think about your situation. On the one hand, he’s conscientious and going by the rules which could be interpreted as responsible I suppose. Maybe the company had a previous bad experience with people freeloading in the flat, or it contravenes their insurance somehow?

On the other hand it’s a bit underwhelming that at this stage in your relationship he’s not fighting to see more of you and he’s presented you with a problem and a not terribly satisfactory solution.

Does this overseas job not pay enough to book some lovely weekend air bnbs or as others have suggested. an air BnB for a week nearby?

It would be good if he had shown a bit more initiative! And let’s face it, a bit more romance!

Is this a money issue do you think? Is he in difficult circumstances financially? Or is he a bit tight?

I don’t blame you for feeling really disappointed but on the other hand it’s very early days in your relationship and men can take a bit longer to fully commit so maybe he’s just taking his time. Or not wanting to put pressure on you?

It’s hard to know what to suggest for the best but in my case it was very much worth being patient and working our way through the difficulties.

I am maybe a bit old fashioned but I think this early in the relationship he should be massively keen, massively into you, wanting to see you and putting you first. So even if you can't stay in the studio, he should be finding a solution or talking with you about a real solution for you to spend at least a week of it together. If he is this lily-livered now, what hope is there for him to really make an effort for you in future. I really think you can do much better for someone who really goes the extra mile.

What kind of accommodation doesn't allow someone to 'top up' and have another person stay too? Most workplaces have asked if I wanted to take someone with me in the first place, cos there aren't that many single rooms so they are paying for a double anyway.

He's making excuses, OP. I think it's grinding to a halt anyway.