To think this man is devious and trying to take advantage of me?

[TooClumsyToBeAroundFragileMasculinity]

A while back I was casually seeing somebody (also read, sleeping together) and it came to an end for various reasons. I realised that sort of thing isn't for me as I ended up feeling used.

He got in touch a year later trying to chat me up and I made it clear I wasn't interested in sleeping with him again. Ever.

He accepted that whilst expressing his disappointment but has been in contact sporadically since then - swearing blind he would just be happy to be my friend. Fair enough I thought. No hard feelings, I'll say hello etc when I see him (mutual friends)

Fast forward to now he is in touch again after reaching out to congratulate me on my weight loss and saying I look 'good'. I knew what was coming next. It evolved into him hankering to come to my house "for a drink"

I was drunk every time I slept with him. Shit time in my life. I don't actually drink alcohol generally and neither does he. He was sober every time we slept together.

I ignored the message and more kept coming, looking for a reason to come round.

I can see straight through him. He wants to get me drunk so I'll have sex with him again, even though I made it clear I don't want to go back there.

I've blocked him now but I'm absolutely seething about it. I feel like he was trying to set the stage to sexually assault me.

Am I being unreasonable to think he's actually quite devious and sinister? It's literally a crime to take advantage of a drunk person isn't it?! Or am I overthinking this?

I've NC.

It's the arrogance I hate, that they think they are too clever or charming or they think you are too weak or easy to influence.
Either one is upsetting.

Lots of people like a bit of Dutch courage under those circumstances.

Did he try to force you to drink alcohol?

Point taken about my choice of wording, I've asked HQ to remove that part as the last thing I would want to do is to upset anybody else.

He never tried to force me to drink alcohol no, that was all on me.

The only reason I mentioned alcohol was because I felt like it was relevant to point out that he doesn't drink, and never drank with me when I did (despite me inviting him to)

So basically, him asking me if I want a drink is him sitting there sober whilst I get pissed and loosen up a bit 😐

That is on you, no one is forcing you to drink

I had a similar experience but it took a while for me to figure it out unfortunately.

You have literally just repeated my own words back to me..

How much more do I need to explain the reason I mentioned alcohol?

He doesn't drink, has never drunk in my presence, yet wants to come to my house and for me to drink with him there.. after I've made clear I don't want to sleep with him and he knows full well it wouldn't happen otherwise.

But that's not creep behaviour. Right then.

It’s a bit bizarre he’s inviting himself round to yours, did you say a year on ? And then when you’ve said no he’s still insisting ? That’s weird behaviour. Surely he only needs telling no once there.

He wants a shag. Block the fucker

Ah thats crap, I'm sorry 😔

I'm generally quite cynical these days and I think my brain automatically scans for red flags but younger me would have definitely fallen for the 'I want to be your frieeeeeeend' speal.

I understand what you are trying to say OP. Your right to think like that he clearly is trying to get an in with you again! Block.

He’s no good. You don’t have to be into sexual assault to be a twat.

Stop apologising OP. Block him.

You will do better.

In the kindest way, I think you need to try and get closure on this and leave it in the past. From what you write here, nothing actually happened, yet the possibilities of what could have happened are upsetting you. Have you considered therapy or counselling to help with managing your thoughts about this?

I really dislike men like this.

If he did this over the course of an evening, repeatedly got told no but continued to try and pressure and wheedle his way into your house and your bed, suggesting he just come round and you have some drinks while he stay sober, I think everyone would agree he was creepy as fuck. Not sure why him continuing to do it over time while lying about "being friends" is any better. He's just waiting for an opportunity where you drop your guard, where you're vulnerable or lonely enough you give in even though he knows you've said you're not up for sleeping with him again. Glad you've blocked him.

The last time we slept together was around February 2023. He was a bit of a dick to me to be honest and I didn't like the way the whole thing made me feel so I blocked him on text, call and WhatsApp and had no contact at all until around December of 2023 when he came through on Instagram (which he said he didn't use, so I didn't have him on any social media)

He wanted to wish me a happy christmas apparently then made it clear within 5 minutes he was hoping I'd shag him. I made it crystal clear that would never be happening again and I said he had a cheek even approaching me like that after how our last contact went. He apologised and said he was really sorry bla bla bla. He tried reaching out again shortly after.

I then hear from him again in January with yet another apology and claims that he feels terrible about how things ended and wished we could have stayed friends as i'm a great person, he'd heard from somebody we both know that I'd had a pretty serious operation and had been thinking of me and wanted to wish me well.

I softened a bit at that point and said thanks and no hard feelings, let's just forget about all of that and put it behind us. It's over and done with now and i don't want to keep raking over the past. I'm not interested in having a relationship with you in that way anymore and it wont happen again but I appreciate the apology.

The next time he got in touch he mentioned somebody we both know and started making comments about somebody we both know, but with a sexual undertone. For example "did you know so and so did this" just completely inappropriate and he had no reason to bring up anything of the sort. He was clearly just trying to bring sex into the conversation. I tell him I don't want to know and I'm not interested in hearing about people's sex lives.

That brings me to now and him saying he's going to be in the area and wants to know if he can come round and if I'm up for a "drink and chill"

I didn't reply and he continued to message me over the course of a few days, pushing to come round "for a drink"

This is where I've got pissed off and thought hang on a minute, you don't even drink. The only "drink and chill" we've ever done is where you come round, I get pissed and we have sex. I read back through the conversation to make absolutely sure there's no way he could have misinterpreted my position and can see I made it abundantly clear I didn't want to have sex with him ever again - so thought why is he trying to orchestrate a situation where he'll be in with a chance of it happening.

I told him to piss off and blocked him.

I have barely given him a seconds thought until now to be honest, but reflecting back on the contact I've had with him I've just got really pissed off 🤦🏼‍♀️

I forgot to include in my long post that there was a time between two of the most recent contacts where he remarked that if I ever did want to sleep with him again he'd love that as he feels a certain way whenever he thinks about it. I did reply to that one and said, as I'd told you before it's not going to happen.

Then the one after that was the sexual comments about the person we know.

He really is just a little creep and the supposed wanting to be friends and being worried about me and my op was all just bollocks to butter me up again until a time he felt he could try it again as you noted PP.

Phew, rant over. Thank you for listening. I feel better for getting it off my chest. Woosah 🙂

Sorry, not read the whole thread but I think you saw him when you were not in a good place and were vulnerable. Now you're not, but he's come crawling back and treating you as though you are still that vulnerable person, desperate for his attention?

If this is right, just block his ass, appreciate yourself for the amazing person you are and leave him in the dust. He's a twat and remember, the best revenge is a life well lived

It's a horrible feeling when you realise someone is trying to manipulate you / or pull the wool over your eyes whether it's to do with sex or not.

I understand what you are trying to say.

Most men I have slept with have been terribly polite the first few encounters - some even asked permission to kiss me. Most double checked before entering that I was 'sure I wanted to'

However one guy was just a bit sleazy. He said he wanted to give me a massage which I though was nice of him (yes I am stupid clearly and too trusting). So he gives me massage and then shoves his penis in me with no warning. I was lying on my stomach. I asked him to stop and he did but I just felt it was 'sneaky' and a bit 'creepy'

If he had said 'wow you look gorgeous lying there, I would really love to have sex or something just to kind of check' then fine. I would have said no as it was too early on for me. Almost ready but not quite if that makes sense.

It wasn't the first time he had done something like that ie asked to do one thing then took the opportunity to shove his penis in and I was quite shocked.

Obviously once you are sleeping together etc I don't expect the man to check before entering or anyway daft like that but for the first time yes I expect a 'are you sure you're ok with this?' Takes 2 secs and just clarifies everything

Anyway this guy turned out to be interesting and sweet but also a big cheater and liked to leer at women in the street so that relationship ended.

Guess I should have trusted my instincts of 'oh this one's a bit creepy/sleazy' but he did have lots of good qualities too so I guess I put it out my mind.

Looking back though I just think no, that wasn't cool. He also lied about his age by 6 years and when I objected he thought I should be fine with it because 'you know me now' and 'I wanted to meet a younger woman'

Just a bit untrustworthy all round which was a shame because he did have some great qualities too.

Surely you must have heard of "the thrill of the chase".

its evolutionary, you see it in nature all the time. The male of the human species is no different. Some men love the idea that the female is continuously saying no, no, no and they think I'll be The One to make them change their mind so it's yes, yes, yes. But that's the Neanderthals. Evolved males get the message and aren't a sex pest.

block. rapey is ott.consent,even drunk is consent. creep-ok.
block.
thats it.

No way is drunk "consent" OK - that's outrageous.

if a woman is drunk they are in no fit state to consent to sex. That's why men get women drunk so they become "compliant"

lets raise our bar shall we.

@daisychain01 . think that then.
i dont.
feeling like you let yourself down is shit. getting drunk in doing it (again)and knowing thats whatchu did is shit.
consent IS consent. its not my rules.

You're making up your own rules, man.

Obviously

Gross. Reported.