My ex husband is buying a house with his new gf. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my kids staying over?

[HonestToFrog]

My DH and I split up back in November. He has had 2 girlfriends since then (that I know of) and is now buying a house with the latest.
We have 2 DS together, aged 5 and 2. He has them every other weekend and every Tuesday over night.
From what I know, they haven’t met the girlfriend.
Im uncomfortable with them having a second home set up with someone who has only been in their dads life for 6 months max. I know this sounds like I’m being a bit petty but it’s a genuine concern that the kids will feel like they’re living with a stranger.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with someone I don’t know myself so can’t expect my small children to be either.
My ex isn’t someone who you can have an adult conversation with and whenever I express my concerns, (for example taking them out of school/nursery without my knowledge) he accuses me of trying to control the kids lives. I’m absolutely not.
Aibu?

Has anyone been through anything similar?
tia.

Yanbu for feeling uncomfortable, those are your feelings and you’re quite entitled to them. I would feel the same. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it though?

You split in November, which is 8 months ago, he's had two previous relationships (must have been damn short ones!) and is buying a house with a woman he's been dating for 6 months!!! It's hardly 'long-term'!! I'd be concerned too! At the very least you should meet this woman, and your children need to meet her and build some kind of relationship with her, before they purchase the house!

. Probably very little you can do about them staying over. Therefore I think you need to consider how you can make this positive and have as much influence as possible. I would get on friendly terms with this woman fast

I completely understand your concern, I would feel the same. However, there is nothing you can do about it

As PP have said, there isn’t anything you can do about it.

They are young and will adjust

She won't be a stranger for long!

The best thing for your dc is for you to make it a fun place to stay. Nowt like testing a new relationship than by adding 2 young dc to it.

Nothing you can do, it’s not in your control.

With his track record that house will be back on the market within another 6 months. You’d like to think given the instability of his relationships he might wait a little before introducing the kids. If you can’t have an adult conversation with him, little chance he will give you a heads up so be prepared for the kids to say oh we met Sarah this weekend. I think and I’m sorry to say, you just prepare for the inevitable fall out that is coming. This relationship is unlikely to last. Don’t ask the kids what did you do, who did you see, what’s she like just be the cool cucumber who listens and takes it all in

YANBU to feel uncomfortable.

But there's nothing you can do.

It's up to dad to decide what happens on his time with the kids and with who.

Just as it's up to you to make those decisions about the kids on your time.

Neither of you gets a veto.

He cares more about his prick than his kids emotional wellbeing. He's a self centered arsehole. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a huge amount you can do about it unless you have genuine safeguarding concerns. I w ok uld absolutely take issue with him removing the kids from school and nursery without your knowledge. I would ask the school / nursery to inform you if the kids are collected. I'd also be clear that if the 5 year old is removed by their dad it is without your knowledge or consent because they are statutory school age their is a potential of a fine for unauthorised absence.

Your feelings are understandable but it absolutely none of your business

If you wanted to do the same thing he wouldn't be able to stop you either.
Works both ways.

It’s tricky because he has had them overnight already, if he hadn’t I think you could possible argue that they are still young and need more time with their mum/ struggle overnight. I don’t think you can stop it based on him living with a partner but I do agree it is very concerning! Can you afford legal advice or do you have some through your work etc?

The OP would be wasting her money getting legal advice as she has got decent advice from this thread.

oh for godsake, of course it's her business, the children are 2 & 5. She has every right to be concerned about this situation when the children are so young and unable to articulate themselves.

You can't do anything same as if a women shacks up with a bloke there is nothing either can do unless there is actual genuine safety or abuse concerns

She can be concerned but she can't do anything unless the gf is a known danger to kids.

They both have equal parental responsibility plus have a set contact pattern.

Yanbu for feeling uncomfortable but his rights include being a bit of a crap dad whose house your kids don't really like going to. A child is 8ish they are considered old enough for their views to be taken into account if they start saying they don't want to go there, so you don't have to force them.

They live with you. Your home is where they feel loved and secure.

Every other weekend, for now, they will visit this other house. If they don't feel loved, welcome and secure there then they won't enjoy those visits much and they won't last long. If your ex's new relationship doesn't last long then it will be all change in a few months anyway. Or he may have genuinely found someone he wants to commit to and also be capable of ensuring that your children feel loved and welcomed and secure there. Which will be good if it happens.

It's shitty parenting on his part to be taking this gamble with a new relationship. But ultimately the consequences if it goes wrong will be him seeing less of his kids and them not wanting to spend time with him, so his loss ultimately.

If you only split up in November then you can't possibly be divorced yet; the queue for the courts are ridiculous, so how is he funding this house purchase, with marital assets?

Does his new gf realise that you will potentially be entitled to part of the house depending on your financial settlement?

He needs to sloooooow right down.

Perhaps if you get your solicitor to explain the financial implications of such a purchase (I believe her income will then be taken into account for the financial settlement if they've set up home together) he may not go through with it.

All very understandable, however as most other posters have already said: it is what is it.

I do think at 5 and 2 you are overreacting a little about them being comfortable at his home. If the g/f is kind and good with them then they will very likely enthusiastically accept her, which is a good outcome. You just have to hope the turnover of partners stops there. But even if it doesn’t, there isn’t anything you can do.

And ‘my kids’ should be ‘our’ kids. They have a dad.

They are with their dad and unless he is unsafe and you can prove it, you will be told, as I was, that he is their father and he is capable of making reasonable decisions about his children.

Not ideal, I know. For the sake of your DC’s suggest some low key initial contact between gf and kids, so that they can build a relationship a little more slowly before staying over.

I wholeheartedly feel your concern. My emotionally retarded exH did exactly this. I had zero control over it and it broke my heart that a stranger would now be involved in bringing up my children. Many years later, the kids are fine but now know what a strain it was on me. I had to keep a level head in order that they had a reasonable relationship with their dad. He left me for this person originally. I'm grateful that they actually stayed together albeit with one or two other affairs on his part, as it at least made for stability for his time with the kids.
It's SO hard. Good luck X

He's moved quickly to bag himself a free live in nanny hasn't he?.

As long as your children are safe I wouldn't worried too much.

I swear mumsnet is the worst for actually hoping that fathers fail at parenting. I mean, good thing the kids have abandonment issues as long as long as you can be a mummy martyr.