To tell parents their DS has been sleeping over

[drayko]

My DS is 14, nearly 15 is in a relationship with another boy (he's 16). They've been in a relationship for a few months I was a little unsure at first as this boy was known for causing trouble at their school but DS seemed to be a good influence on him, he helped him revise for his GCSEs and he ended up sitting them all (he previously was saying he wasn't going to) and he thinks he's done well, he comes over regularly for dinner and he is a lovely boy. DS seems happy.

Last night my sister had to take nephew to A&E so I agreed to go and stay and look after her other DC’s. I got home this morning and DS mustve thought I wasn't home yet as he came downstairs with boyfriend. I spoke to DS later and he told me his boyfriend had an argument with his stepdad, he has mentioned not getting along with his stepdad before as he seems to drink a lot. I asked DS if they've been having sex and he said they've got condoms as they've been thinking about it but they don't think they're ready yet.

DD has told me that boyfriend has been sleeping over on other occasions, apparently he'd lost his key on saturday etc.

WIBU to tell his parents he's been sleeping over? If this was DS id want to know but I'm unsure as I don't know his mum and all he's mentioned is the stepdad

Anyone?

Disclaimer: I don’t have kids but didn’t want your post to go unanswered as I came from a problematic home.

This is a difficult one as I would want the mum to know where her son is but would be worried about possible repercussions from the (sounds nasty) stepdad. But your DS is very young to be a in a possibly sexual relationship. I think I’d discourage any further overnight visits.

That's my worry, I also don't know his mum, what she's like etc. But if this was DS id want to know. I didn't know about him staying over as he always has when I haven't been here.

Its a difficult one as BFs parents may not know he is in a relationship with DS, and if your 16 year old sons says he's staying at a 'mates' you might think it odd for the mum to contact you. You may accidently out him against his wishes. If it were me I'd ask DS what BFs parents knew.

Tread carefully as he may not be out to his family. The last thing you want to do is to potentially put him at risk if they don’t already know. Speak to your DS first.

I wouldn't out him, no.
Nor would I encourage or enable it as a regular thing.
I assume he's told his parents he was at a sleepover.
He's 16.
Nobody is going to get pregnant here.
But I'd speak to my son again about age of consent, condoms, lube, enthusiastic consent and also PrEP.

Your underage DS's 16 year old bf has apparently stayed over on a number of occasions and you didn't know?

Sorry, but I think you need to get your own house in order! How can you not have known?

I think you need to ask your DS what the situation is with his boyfriend's parents as you could potentially out him. I don't think his boyfriend should be staying overnight at all to be honest. If his boyfriend is 16 and your DS is 14/15, there could be legal ramifications of them having sex, and that needs to be explained to both of them very clearly.

Your DS is 14.

I wouldn't allow sleeping over with a girl or boyfriend and I would not encourage a sexual relationship with a 16 year old.

14 is too young.

What makes you think his mother doesn't know that a) he stayed at your place, and b) that he's gay? Isn't it quite likely that he just text his Mum when he got to your place, and said 'don't worry Mum, I'm sleeping over at John's house, I'll be home tomorrow'. I think it's best that you keep out of it OP, and just concentrate on making sure your own lad is happy and confident in his relationship, whilst maybe discouraging sex between the two of them until he's actually 16.

I'm a single mum and I work shifts (nights regularly) and DS stays here with my DD (19) and DS is capable of getting up and ready for school/the day without me needing to get involved and I had no reason to suspect his boyfriend was staying over, DS had never asked.

This is a tricky situation. I think if it was me I would stop all night sleepovers. Tell your son that he cannot have his bf to sleepover as he is not old enough. Install a ring door bell and let him know you can check. I would make it very clear that at 14 it is not acceptable to have partners sleeping over.
Secondly, I wouldn't put the bf to his parents incase they are unaware. However, you could say to your son that if it continues then you'll tell his parents. This may stop the sleepovers without permission.

No I wouldn't tell the parents.

I'd decide whether you are comfortable with the boyfriend staying over. If so discuss boundaries and safe sex. If not, tell your son the boyfriend isn't to stay over again.

If he's not at home then they must know he's staying over somewhere so if I was the other child's mum I'd wonder why you were telling me, assuming the boy has already told his parents he's staying over somewhere.

What you're actually asking I think, is if you should tell his mum that he's staying with your son with whom he's in a relationship. That's a whole other can of worms. If you don't tred carefully you're likely to have worms everywhere and no way of putting them back in the can.

No way would I tell the patents. He nay not have told them he's gay!

Don't tell them - it sounds like he might be at risk from the step dad potentially. It's for the mum to be aware of where he is, not your responsibility.

I would say no more sleepovers though, your ds is way too young for this. Sounds like you have a great relationship with him in terms of how open he's able to be with you, so I would be very open back and explain why it's not a good idea. Hopefully he will respond well.

He's 14 ffs.

What would be the response if the girl was 14 and her boyfriend was a tearaway and 16?

I wouldn't tell them. But I would tell ds no more sleepovers.

Absolutely do not out this boy to his family.

Personally I would talk to your DS and put a stop to the sleepovers - I consider 14 too young to be having a romantic interests sleep over, regardless of gender. Teens will find ways to be sexually intimate if they want to, but I think whole nights unsupervised in a bedroom is a set up for young people making poorly thought out decisions, and usually encourages relationships progressing too quickly on all levels.

I don't think I would tell the parents anything since you don't know the teen's situation or the mother and there are hints things may not be great at home. If you say something and the boy's parents react poorly there's a good chance it will make your DS less willing to be honest with you. Do have a serious talk with your son about coming to you or talking to a teacher at school if he thinks his boyfriend (or any other friend) is not safe at home, and let him know that you or a school employee can report concerns anonymously if needed.

Below the age of consent so they can’t stay together overnight at your place. Tell them this and say that the age of consent is legal. He can visit as a friend only.

I'm confused how you don't know that he has been staying over? However I wouldn't contact his family, I'd simply tell DS he is not to have anymore overnight visits. Definitely talk to him about consent, STD's etc. Some may say he is too young for a sexual relationship, which he probably is but if he wants to do it, he will do it. It's better to be at home and safe.

I wouldn't contact his mother, it could be outing for him and put him at risk. I do think you need to speak to your DS and tell him that his boyfriend is not allowed to sleep over. He is too young for this at 14. Was your DD aware that he was staying over?

No I wouldn't tell the parents.

But I'd be fuming at your son and the deceit.

Therefore I wouldn't allow any more sleepovers. Then again, you didn't allow them in the first place but that didn't stop him, did it?

Someone needs to explain to him that he's a 14 year old child, shouldn't be thinking of having sex, and he doesn't run your household.