To tell parents their DS has been sleeping over

[drayko]

My DS is 14, nearly 15 is in a relationship with another boy (he's 16). They've been in a relationship for a few months I was a little unsure at first as this boy was known for causing trouble at their school but DS seemed to be a good influence on him, he helped him revise for his GCSEs and he ended up sitting them all (he previously was saying he wasn't going to) and he thinks he's done well, he comes over regularly for dinner and he is a lovely boy. DS seems happy.

Last night my sister had to take nephew to A&E so I agreed to go and stay and look after her other DC’s. I got home this morning and DS mustve thought I wasn't home yet as he came downstairs with boyfriend. I spoke to DS later and he told me his boyfriend had an argument with his stepdad, he has mentioned not getting along with his stepdad before as he seems to drink a lot. I asked DS if they've been having sex and he said they've got condoms as they've been thinking about it but they don't think they're ready yet.

DD has told me that boyfriend has been sleeping over on other occasions, apparently he'd lost his key on saturday etc.

WIBU to tell his parents he's been sleeping over? If this was DS id want to know but I'm unsure as I don't know his mum and all he's mentioned is the stepdad

Not that it's fair on your 19 year old daughter to have to parent her little brother, but since she's in charge, she's going to have to keep a MUCH closer eye on him.

Sorry - he’s 14 OP!

I didn't know about him staying over as he always has when I haven't been here.

This would worry me; even if it's a platonic friend staying over and even if there's a reason (lost his keys, not safe at home) your 14yo should be asking your permission to have a guest stay overnight. If he's asking your 19yo DD and thinking that takes the place of asking you I'd be clear with both of them that you need to be in the loop/give the final permission.

Was your 19 year old in charge? And she didn't tell you??

None of this should be happening as your boy is 14, I think you should be having a word with your employer if you can alter your shift pattern. Your DD could move out tomorrow so can’t be relied upon in the long term.

This is underage, illegal relationship. Take measures now.

I think you sound more worried about the boy than your own child - he’s 14, he shouldn’t be in this position.

I wouldn’t out him to his family. I would just ask that they don’t share a room when he stays over. I think it sounds like you have a great relationship with your child and he feels comfortable being open with you.

I think your concern here should be your own son rather than his BF. They are absolutely sleeping together, always go at least 2 steps forward from what they confess. Saying that, I don’t think you’ll stop it, just ensure he’s protected and be there for him as much as you can.

my children at 16 would say I am staying at X’s house or can x stay here…without me involving other child’s parent, so I would say to your son does his boyfriend’s parent know he is staying etc and if your son says yes I would leave it at that. I think you feel uncomfortable because you have not met parents.
this is a tricky situation for you - it’s good your son is open with you but these circumstances with a much older boy and throwing him into a serious relationship more quickly as he naturally wants to help him out.

Your job isn’t to parent other teens. Your job is to make sure your own son is protected and parented and not exposed to situations he’s way too young to experience in a safe way.

I would just ask that they don’t share a room when he stays over.

So two children in a relationship who have bought condoms

And you'd 'ask that they don't share a room when he stays over'??

He shouldn't BE staying over, especially not when the OP isn't there and has handed responsibility to her teenage daughter.

Yes that’s exactly what I would do. I would have honest conversations with my child that 14 is extremely young and that I would hope they would wait longer and be in the relationship a lot longer first. Her teenage daughter is 19, so hardly incapable of making sure they sleep in separate rooms.
Teenagers will have sex in all sorts of horrible places if they really want to do it. You won’t stop them by not letting them have a sleepover.

Get this boy out of your home! Your child is only 14 and you're allowing an older boy in his bed to sway his affections and they are having sex despite him telling you they haven't yet.

Protect your son instead of allowing this creep into your home.

No because he doesn’t seem to have a very supportive family and you could exacerbate things for him.

You need to find a way to make sure he doesn’t stay over and remind your DS he is only 14 and under age of consent and his BF is over - which is an issue.

Difficult one. I can't help but think it's very positive that your son has actually told you that this is his boyfriend, for a start. When I was his age, I'd never have dreamed of letting on to my parents that my girlfriend was my girlfriend -- they just thought she was my friend so we could have sex with impunity. That would've been the easiest course of action for him! But yeah, don't tell the other boy's parents.

^^^ 100% agree. Your DS will tell you the bf is not out to his parents, whether he is or not, to try to prevent you telling them, so this is the best way to deal with that.

This!!
And you son is under the legal age of consent. You are blithely talking of condoms, etc. But your son is under the legal age of consent!!
So yes, all very well letting this boy's parents he is sleeping at your house, but will you also tell them he is contemplating sleeping with your younger son (if it hasn't happened already)?
To be clear, this is not homophobia, rather amazement at the OPs post

I’d be concerned the 16 year old is being manipulative towards your 14 year old, and taking the relationship way beyond what a 14 year old can cope with.

Totally understand about you working nights and leaving 19 year old in charge, been there and had to do that too, but there absolutely have to be house rules-the first one being absolutely no sleepovers for the 14 year old, whether it’s a pal or a boyfriend. I’d say that whether it was a male/female, or male/male, or female/female relationship.

14 year olds are not emotionally equipped for this, and even less so where there’s a potentially bad parental/step parental relationship in the background

You need to waken up to your responsibility to your 14 year old CHILD