Worried about low contact in-laws gate crashing hols, how do we leave without seeming bad guys

[Holidayworry1]

We are very low contact (lc) with dh parents.
He doesn't go over there and as a family we last went about maybe 4 or 5 Xmas es ago.

We have tried over the years to have a relationship, but unfortunately they don't change their behaviour. Small examples, getting moody, cross when anything was suggested to them eg, please check the car lock is on dd opens the door in motion.
Turn up and as they pull up dd is opening the door and mil lied and said it's because she pressed the release button inside. Even though it was clearly explained to them the lock is on the inside and it's a lever.

Potty training, ignoring requests not to change dd into a nappy, which they did as soon as she got there and in front of older dc who told us.

Not supervising properly around a deep pond, and on and on.
On top of this, all the small things as well they totally disregarded but mil speaking to me and dh in an unpleasant way.. They always seem to incredibly disappointed in him, never been respectful to him nor me.. Unfortunately my family is mostly deceased otherwise they wouldn't have seen us for dust.
They act superior and always try to tell us how to make our house nicer like theirs ( 6 bed 4 bath house in 2 acres south) how to get free trips through work don't pay ( of course not a family trip), mil rearranges our house, says things arnt in suitable places, and has cried over what she considers to be filth.
They also act like we are depriving our dc if a great childhood etc. And she constantly says in a horrid tone about all the extra lessons she paid for dh to have as if it's a massive deal for her.

Sorry if you have got this far, we are visiting dh family in another country and I'm concerned the in laws will turn up or already be there..
In the past when we went out for dh granny milestone bday, we made it clear we didn't want to go for the main meal but would visit after.

We arrived and they sprang out. They spoke about themselves as usual, mil did lots of crying and martyr behaviour. We did give them anther chance after this but quickly reverted to type.
Then they did say if dh wanted to visit relatives abroad they would go at alternatives times.. However I'm concerned they havant turned up at our door which they normal do when school finishes which makes me suspicious that they may spring out on us.We don't want to worry a granny whose nealry 100 with this or cause issues.

All this unpleasant stuff happened when dc much younger so when they see in laws they seem like sweet people standing on our door step.

How do we smoothly extract ourselves without upsetting old gran, without seeming like the bad guys and without bowing to fils pressure.
He gives me heart palpitations, makes me feel extremely nervous etc because he doesn't seem human. He asks me how I am but I feel like it's the terminator asking before shooting me.

It's our holiday and of course they may not turn up. We intended to stay with two different relatives but I think we could find last min accmd if necessary.

We can't afford to book alternatives now, but if our backs were to the wall I guess we would have too.
On the trip where they sprang out they took over everything, eg at a zoo we all said we fancied a donut (to each other), fil and mil started to take over and said they would get it dh pushed back and said no I will.. He eventually backed down and fil got something else entirely?

He's often done this. Looking back of course we shld have handed it back and got our donuts but when your in these situations they are fast moving and you don't what to cause a fuss.

Sorry this is a long ramble.

What do we say.

Why would they?
You are not being rational, I am afraid. I don't know how old your kids are but I imagine they are somewhere between the ages when they are not aware of adult behaviour and the age when they can't give a rat's tail about what grown ups are up to.
So unless you are planning to make a scene, I am not sure what could possibly make them think less of you.

I think you're dreaming, if I'm honest, this is an insane plan. Can you at least shelter your children from this and not have them there?

You'll need a plan for what you do if she arrives. If you just leave, for example, instantly; there won't be any chance for MIL to get upset or manipulate anyone. You'll probably want to have pre-planned another option to distract your children afterwards, though.

Clearly you can't leave if you're staying with them, so in that situation, you've left yourself no options but sucking it up and being civil because you're in someone else's house. But it's ludicrous to expose your children to this.

Too true… apologies if my earlier response was a bit heavy! It hit a nerve lol x

Ok so it is absolutely crucial that you keep them away because you have the makings of a golden child and scapegoat situation here.

The more you say - I honestly would get a hotel for the night for you and the children at least. Don't let this man get his claws into the kids. They don't respect boundaries AT ALL. Think of scenarios like 'Here's a mobile phone for you to stay in touch with me because your wicked mother stops me having contact with you, this will be our little secret golden grandchild. But no phone for you underachieving grandchild!' You get the picture.

I'm sorry you experienced this Coming across the extreme end of this spectrum changes us as people BUT it also makes us wiser in the end x

That it does, thank you 🌻

OP you are going to need to provide much much more context of in law ghastly behavior as so far, this is coming across as a YOU problem

Yes I think I've got it clearer in my mind now.
If we arrive and they are there, it won't be a surprise because we are expecting them.
So will say hello to the grandma and chat and so on, then whilst before we would have stayed with her for as long as she wanted us too, we will just briefly say hello and then off out again, as if that was always the plan.
We are in a seperate visitor part so we can retreat there and just do our own thing.

We were then supposed to go on to another relative but again we can ask if they are going there also and if so we won't go and get other accmd for the night.

@Catza people like this are skilled in manipulating and make people feel sorry for them.
When dh was younger he had an accident nothing dreadful but he was in hospital, he said the few visitors he had where all comforting mil because she was so upset and crying etc.
I felt sorry for her when I first met her!
They have not spent any quality time with them for years and dc forget so they don't see or witness why. Now they see a sweet granny crying.

However having said that, if we are swift enough and brisk, in greet and out then they won't have time for impact.
Also as pp said they probably care far less about adults than I think they do.

You say you want to head off posters, so you only want to hear certain opinions. So go with what you actually want to do, but you will have to compromise with dh.

Personally if in laws are abroad and granny is v old, I would just bite the bullet for a week, knowing it will be a temporary meeting.

There is a lot of they ‘sprang out’. No they are not jack in the boxes, and in laws are almost always in the range of mildly to majorly annoying because they are not your own parents and unless they do lots of favours for you then they are kind of in the way and a hassle, I know I’ve been there.

Choices are put up with it or look like the bad guys, I would choose the latter

‘Pick your battles’

Safety, absolutely.

Doughnuts….really do not matter!

By minimising the battles you will be less wrapped up in the detail, creating a distance and allowing you to be less bothered.

How to leave when you want:

You get your own accommodation and own transport. You tell any relatives you are visiting that if the ILs are there or they turn up you will be leaving.

If the ILs are there or turn up you leave.

That's it. Very simple and easy, doesn't cause any scene.

@WallaceinAnderland
Unfortunately laying down the law to them won't be possible at all.

But @Holidayworry1 you seem to be confused between “laying down the law” or controlling behaviour, and having boundaries.

Controlling behaviour is when you tell other people what to do/say/think.

Most of the advice on this thread relates to what YOU do/say. Specifically around you leaving situations you don’t want to be in.

There is no “laying down the law” involved.

Try to keep that in mind and hopefully it will help you navigate these difficult days.

Maybe you’re DC need to see enough of them occasionally to understand for themselves what is wrong with them and why you don’t see them much, depending on their age, but eventually IThe truth might be helpful.

It’s not quite the same, my mother was alright, she tried her best but we didn’t really click and part of that was umpteen birthday and Christmas presents that were not something I wanted and I always felt so sad for being misunderstood and guilty for being ungrateful. From when I was mid teens I did a lot of her present shopping for her because she just wasn’t very good at working out what someone might want. So to spare my DC from feeling as I had, and because she asked me, I bought and wrapped her presents to the DC and she would post gift tags she’d written for the presents. DC always commented how Grandma always knew exactly what they wanted and they felt so understood and cared for. Then one day DC1 worked out via wrapping paper and timings of grandma’s visit thst I’d wrapped and bought them . She was so disillusioned when I fessed up the truth that it was me who’d come up with all the present ideas. I think more truth about this earlier would have helped them realise why I never felt that connected to her (other complex reasons the presents was a symptom).

So you might want to think about helping the kids make up their own minds about them if you don’t want to look bad to your DC

@Swimmingatdusk!!

Interesting post, obviously that really upset you
Dh haha also been upset by gifts because he said it shows they know him so little.

However my dm gave crazy gifts but she was always bursting with love so it didn't matter at all.

Unfortunately my in laws are so emotionally manipulative, i can't do anything when they get older and fil starts on then however they do know why.

I've tried to explain that with people like them we don't follow normal social norms and the gloves are off so to speak.

One dd is quite good with boundaries the other is more weak but she's young and she doesn't recognise bad behaviour of her friends when it happens.

You are in a tricky situation and I can empathize with you so much. Unfortunately people like this think they are always right and they know the answer to everything! You will never be good enough and the best you can expect is to be tolerated by PIL. We had similar issues with looking after our kids, when we first were trying to allow them to have a happy relationship with their grandparents. However MIL was proud to say "I brought up my kids by healthy neglect and they are all alive". She would go against our wishes and lie, either to us or our kids For example, she forced our young daughter to sit still and cut her hair. When she was crying because she wanted it long and had been growing it, MIL lied and said she had to do it because "Mummy asked me to do it, because it's too much work for her to look after". When my DH complained about it and told her never to touch her hair again, MIL lied and said my DD had asked her to do it! Like you, I could list lots of things that happened to both our dcs and cousins, which were unsafe, unkind or downright abusive. In the end all the grandchildren formed their own impression of them and voted with their feet. As soon as they were old enough, they would either stay at home, or with other family who weren't horrible to them. If I were you, I would talk with your kids and say something along the lines of "We might be surprised to see PIL when we are on holiday. We haven't invited them and they haven't been very nice to us in the past, or been good with your safety. So if they are there we will try to be polite and civil but we might need to leave too"

You don't need to go into the specific reason for why, just let them know that you find it difficult to be around them. Also encourage your kids to tell you, if they feel badly about something PIL say to them and reassure them it's not their fault.

The answer is clear,to an outsider like me, make sure you book a hotel so you have a bolt hole for you and your family.that way you are not trapped,and can leave if they suddenly turn up,life is short, you don't need to be forced to tolerate coercive controlling behaviour from anyone.xx

Why didn’t you sort it out way back in the beginning
Differant culture families obviously lead different lives .
I would hate my families partners to be talking about me like this and feeling this way
I would hope if they had a problem they would discuss it with me

Lots of your examples were times when you weren’t supervising YOUR kids.

so don’t leave them alone. If you want a donut, go get one.

if they show up just grin a bear it and then excuse yourself before you explode.

yeah avoid the same accommodations. But will the family you’re staying with really have room for your family and in laws? Easy to excuse yourself there ‘oh we weren’t informed you had other company how terribly rude of us crowing everyone, I’ve booked a non refundable hotel nearby, gosh, wouldn’t that have sucked if it wasn’t available!’ Then just do your own things.

only lucky people like their in laws, my Mil has not once said a legitimate nice thing, like a aged high school mean girl. Just tolerate. And have husband manage his own family! Don’t get in b the middle there! Especially if it’s so rare! Just tolerate. And don’t let the kids alone with them. Or at least till they are of a responsible age. Easy excuse to keep them if grandparents trying to kidnap ‘ oh I like my kids, and this is a family vacation, they can do things with us’

Thanks everyone, we have our plan, smile and excuse ourselves after a while. If in laws not there we would have spent all our time with the elderly relative but if they are there then we will chat for a little then go out.

Sounds like a good plan, hope you have a good holiday!