To be so affected by the Southport news

[wonderingwandering99]

I can’t stop crying about this news story. I’ve recently had my first child and I don’t think it would have affected me quite so much before I became a mother. But I’ve felt sick ever since I found out yesterday.

I just can’t stop thinking about how many people’s lives will be forever ruined by this most hellish, heinous event. How will they ever be able to have normal lives? I’m so heartbroken.

It felt like a bad dream when I woke up this morning and remembered it was actually real and this has really happened. What a dark, dark day for our country.

I think when you become a parent, the news of this type of horrific event hits different (hate that phrase but it does sum up what I mean.) it's not that the events are any less horrific, but you can relate to them in a different way once you have a child. You know that if anything were to happen to your own child you'd be broken and you have a new perspective on those grief stricken parents.

When my children were little I found it helped to really keep at the forefront of my mind that these feelings were about me, and how a terrible event impacted on me, but that the actual event would have been equally horrific before I became a parent. It helped to focus on the actual victims and people impacted by it.

OP doesn’t “need” to do anything. She can allow herself to feel however she feels. It’s not for posters on MN to police.

Yes you can empathise on a different level.

I admit to crying too, it’s so horribly senseless. I can’t even begin to imagine what those families must be going through.

Just the day before I’d cried because my 4 year old cut her own hair. How ridiculous that feels now. It’s just bloody hair. It’ll grow back.

I've also cried about it. I have two little girls who regularly go to similar events. I can't even imagine the pain the families and parents must be feeling. It makes my anxiety go through the roof.

Because such a reaction to this is OTT.
Yes, it is tragic - for the victims, their family and those involved, not some random person who has no connection to the 'community' involved.
There is so much shit - children are killed by the dozens every day in Gaze - or is that too far away for people here to be 'devastated'. or are their faces not white enough?
It's sad, this breast-beating on behalf of others. Yes, we are all shocked. Yes it is sad. But 'heartbroken' and 'crying' (especially by those who are not recently post-partum)...

Howtoeatanelephant

Because such a reaction to this is OTT.
Yes, it is tragic - for the victims, their family and those involved, not some random person who has no connection to the 'community' involved.
There is so much shit - children are killed by the dozens every day in Gaze - or is that too far away for people here to be 'devastated'. or are their faces not white enough?
It's sad, this breast-beating on behalf of others. Yes, we are all shocked. Yes it is sad. But 'heartbroken' and 'crying' (especially by those who are not recently post-partum)...“

What’s with the white enough comment? Completely out of order! What the hell has that to do with anything?

Sad? Jeez, you’re all heart.

I have been very sad and shocked by this. It's just heart breaking and I keep thinking about the happy little girls enjoying the event on their summer holidays. We all know how broken we'd be if we were their parents. We'd simply never recover.
I have to say that these news items that torment me the most though are the stories about prolonged child abuse. When I read about children who've been abused their whole lives and suffered the most horrific torture at the hands of their parents. These are the ones that can have me in tears for days on end. It's the prolonged suffering and misery - the fact that the people who were supposed to love and protect them, made their lives a living hell.

I agree with this.

What on earth are you talking about?

@howtoeatanelephant great username, I imagine you'd need large chopsticks to get an elephant guzzled.

I really am struggling with what's happening in Palestine. I saw some footage that won't leave me for a long time. I've noticed though with my immediate circle many don't give it too much thought, it isn't on their doorstep to have the same level of sadness about those children as it would be say the victims in the southport attack, because one is a 45 minute train journey away so feels closer to home. I think we can extend our concern to every single child who is a victim of horror, no matter who's causing it.

I remember Dunblane when I was little and the adults around me, even teachers in my primary school which was in another part of the UK crying. However back then when it all became to heavy you could turn off the TV and put a video on or something, read a book. Nowadays when something tragic happens we see it constantly because we're always on our phones. Maybe we're processing trauma that may not be directly ours, but seeing it so much and constantly isn't good for our mental health. I'm not sure if we allow it to weigh us down or become desensitised long term, either way, I do think people are more and more affected by things than they were 20 years ago. I'm personally trying to not consume constant misery so I dont allow tragedies to affect my mood but its difficult when it's everywhere.

Thank you for your response. As you say, all violent deaths, particularly of children, is appalling, I am not so stone-hearted that I was not saddened by this and other incidents!
I suppose to me it is a matter of appropriateness and proximity to the event; that's not just physical proximity, because you are right, a couple of hours away is different to a couple of thousand miles, it's also emotional proximity, so anything we relate to personally is shocking. And as you say, the constant exposure probably isn't good for people. But there is an off button, even if no-one then watches a video instead!

I'm going to say again - having kids of your own does give the shock a different element. I am saying this as someone with lived experience pre- and post- kids of my own. I have an underlying rage and necessity to protect that I didn't have before. It is always there and it bubbles to the surface when these things happen

Didn't vote, but I'm thinking maybe people who are a little queasy about the appropriation of others' tragedy, by those who have nothing to do with it. Saw them at the vigil last night, trotting out all the "my daughter's nine and she loves Taylor Swift" etc, scrabbling for any sort of connection to it, when there isn't one. Feels like some of them just relish the drama. And it feels insulting to the actual bereaved. I've felt like that ever since Diana died, when we started this thing of wailing in the streets for people we didn't know. Obviously what the OP feels privately is never going to be unreasonable - you feel what you feel - but perhaps the 30% are thinking more about those who feel the need to perform their sadness or their rare compassion or whatever it's meant to be in public, or on social media.

@Elsvieta I completely agree with you. That’s exactly why I posted as I did about people doing something community minded. It’s the ultimate case case of actions speaking louder than words. It’s all too easy to post about how heartbroken you are, but how many people will actually channel these feelings into meaningful actions.

I've cried about this tragic incident and I've cried about Gaza as well...it isn't an either/or choice. Some of us cry easily and it's a natural reaction for us - I think it's pretty normal for people with average levels of empathy to respond emotionally when they see other people going through something so awful. It isn't that they think its their tragedy or that they're trying to make it admit them...it's just a normal human response .

Nearly 20 years ago, there was a horrific school siege in Beslan, Russia. Some graphic and utterly heart-breaking footage was shown on the TV news at the time. I expect many of us will remember this tragedy, even if we don’t think of it very often.

In recent weeks, a particular scene from this footage has come out of the depths of my memory and keeps intruding on my mind. It’s triggered by the fact that my daughter is now of a similar age and appearance to a little girl who died in the siege, and due to the current hot weather, my daughter is often walking around the house in similar clothing.

I’m not trying to make someone else’s tragedy about me. But I don’t think I’d be experiencing these intrusive thoughts if I weren’t a parent now.

@wonderingwandering99 how are you doing hen? Are you keeping an eye on the hormones? And as @Cattenberg says, intrusive thoughts are very triggering. Make sure you're not getting them excessively. X

I haven't had children so I'm completely unmoved....oh wait....yes I'm still a human being with other family so I care too. Not as deeply as a mother would obviously but as much as my cold robotic heart can.

I completely understand how you're feeling with all these "As a mother" comments. Just to add some balance - although many women say they feel things more deeply since having children, I can't say I've noticed any difference.
I've always been deeply moved by events, particularly those involving children suffering. I was a teenager when James Bulger was killed and was very upset. I remember crying many times over it. I didn't have children when Baby P was tortured and killed but the story haunted me for weeks.
So although many women feel more affected by these stories since having children, there are many of us who already felt that way pre-kids.
@ChallengingFigureANDUnrulyFlaps I absolutely believe you could be feeling the same emotions as any mother about it.

@Cattenberg "I’m not trying to make someone else’s tragedy about me. But I don’t think I’d be experiencing these intrusive thoughts if I weren’t a parent now."

We're all different but I definitely used to have intrusive thoughts about these events before motherhood.

That isn't what anyone is implying.

Thank you @SallyWD……you just get it, and it’s really appreciated.

I did feel things differently when I became a mum, mostly if it was something awful that had happened to a child around the same age as one of mine, because I could picture myself in the parents' position. I didn't have that reference point before having my own kids.

It's not that people who don't have children can't feel deeply about tragedies. It's just that those who do may have a slightly more personal reference point, ie "what if that was me?"

In the light of the parents' shattering interviews this morning, I know a lot of us are thinking of Alice, Bebe and Elsie today.

Now that AR has been convicted (Rot in Hell), can anyone let me know why Bebe's parents must be anonymous?

Thanks in advance.