To feel weirded out when people ask me personal questions

[JulyMume]

Just trying to process this and what better place than a anonymous forum! Years ago when my kids were little I joined a swimming class and a group of mums looked really lovely and friendly so after exchanging pleasantries I asked what school their children go to extend the conversation, I couldn’t care less what school they went to and the most vocal of the group got a bit weird and asked me in a very aggressive tone why I want to know and the rest looked on and didn’t say anything. I posted about this at the time under a different username and was told I was being very weird by asking a group of strangers what school their children go to! I took this on board and never asked again.

Now I understand this was a weird question and I take on board what others said at the time even though it was simply a conversation starter for me. But issue now is I keep seeing and thinking people are wrong for asking me certain questions. E.g. I’ve done lots of classes for the kids this week and last week and people keep asking what street I live on and what school my kids go to. I’m not rude like that lady was to me but I generically give them an answer such as in so and so town but not the exact name of school or street. Most people don’t say anything and don’t press further and the conversation then goes back to the activity we’re watching and I don’t ask them anything in return but there’s one woman who is kind of giving me really weird vibes as she asks me really intense questions. I don’t feel comfortable telling her my whole life story in the 20 minutes we’ve known each other! She doesn’t get the hint when I give her genetic answers and keeps pressing me for the actual name and when I give it to her she wants to know more and more. She keeps asking me things. It’s obvious I’m ignoring the question and changing topic but she doesn’t get the hint!

so my AIBU is is this something you would get uncomfortable about and how you would treat it?

the most vocal of the group got a bit weird and asked me in a very aggressive tone why I want to know and the rest looked on and didn’t say anything. I posted about this at the time under a different username and was told I was being very weird by asking a group of strangers what school their children go to! I

ok so let’s see this thread

can you link to it?

because i suspect… the devil is in the detail

@persistentyes im not going to go looking for a thread I wrote over 9 years ago! Why not answer my current question - would it weird you out if the person didn’t get the hint and carried on?

I did btw get the hint 9 years ago and didn’t press but this lady keeps asking me.

Sometimes you need to be blunt but polite to the people you described asking you personal questions. If they do not accept vague answers and ask for names like that woman did. Say you appreciate her interest but you do not share personal information with strangers.

@purplecorkheart thank you! I know she’s trying to be friendly but it really feels like she’s interviewing me! I don’t feel like that with the rest. We chat and quite honestly I forget the conversation but she seems like she remembers it and asks me follow up questions. E.g. I told her last week I grew up in x town and today she asked me if I knew x,y,z and she asked x and x remembers being in school with someone with sane name as me etc. it’s really strange.

I remember your thread (9 years ago?!) and I didn't think you were weird but I guess some people don't like it. Some people have no filter but I'm not really sure how you deal with this latest woman other than try to avoid her.

i wonder what the detail of this thread was! 😆

@NotSorry thank you!

You could give a vague answer to the question and then without pausing ask her a similar question back, followed by another one and another so she doesn’t have a chance to keep interrogating you. Or you could say you don’t feel comfortable giving out personal information to a stranger. Or you could lie and create an elaborate castle with a great moat, which is where your child originally learnt to swim…

@FuzzyStripes lol! I feel like she’s trying to find all the people we have in common.

how old are your children now op?

From memory it was exactly as OP described. She was chatting to some new acquaintances and asked what school the kids were at (I'd have probably done the same) and got blasted by the Queen Bee for asking.

wow that is impressive memory you have there!!

and the majority said the op was unreasonable to enquire what school their child attend?

That bit I can't remember, but probably. This is AIBU after all! 😆

I don't think its weird to ask what school your kid is from as long as the person asking is an acquaintance with their own kids and you're from the same town (so could easily find out if they really wanted to, and they likely know all the schools in the area so they're vetting you more than anything to do with your kid)

But i know MN attracts answers with no appreciation for nuance in a given situation hence the responses on your previous.
If it was a random person i just bumped into then yeah maybe a bit odd.

But anyway - It sounds like you are emotionally scarred from your previous post and perhaps now have a bit of a complex about it all. Have you tried asking these same questions back to the lady to see how she responds? She's probably sensed you're a mystery so is even more interested now! Otherwise just be really direct and say "sorry i'm quite a private person So i don't discuss details like that" I'm sure that will be enough to dead all future conversations.

I also remember that thread, but I wonder if it was zombie-resurrected as I didn’t read it 9 years ago, I’m sure.

People are weird, OP. Your interviewer clearly needs something else to think about.

the thread must have really impacted you @NotSorry for you to recall it nearly a decade later!

It isn't weird to ask what school dc go to, if you are chatting to other parents at a children's activity.

Bit odd to still be accompanying them to activities at 13 / 14 / 15 years of age though.

To specifically answer your question, if you think someone is asking you something you don't want to divulge, then just say so "I think that's a bit personal" / "I'm not going to give out that level of detail to someone I don't really know" might be a bit blunt, but if they were really interrogating you, that might be what is needed.
If they are just making conversation, then I'm not sure why so secretive.

@persistentyes to be fair same as @FourLeggedBuckers it could have been a zombie resurrected thread so might not have been that long ago for me

It’s not a weird question at all. It’s perfectly normal. The woman was weird being aggressive with you when you asked the question.

I wouldn’t ask someone’s street but I would ask area to see how far they’ve come across town.

You have to stop with the hints and be direct. Nothing wrong with saying “I am not comfortable in giving out personal details” and “I don’t recall people you mention and I would be grateful if you don’t share my name with your circle of friends”. If that doesn’t help you speak to the class facilitator because this woman has no business sharing your personal information with every Tom, Dick and Harry in your home town.

Ref the original swimming one, I asked exactly that today & I'd hope it wasn't odd, my little kid & her little kid post swimming lesson mucking about in the showers, they seem friendly & it's not a kid I recognise, so I ask the mum where does your one go to school as I don't know if they know each other from there.

A perfectly civil & normal conversion occurs, surely how the world should work?

There is nothing wrong. You just havent found your group yet. In fact: this is awkward all round. A lot of these social interactions are B. S. Anyway , youre just looking for a way to get you through the day. Try not to read too much into it. These people will forget you exist in five minutes This was a nut I was forever trying to crack. Trying to give my life ' meaning' while trying to socialise my child; all the while not realising the good ' friend' I hung out with had designs on my husband. ( But denied, denied, denied) Ih well she must have had something did not have . But after the dust settled and I gave up. He realised it was the most expensive $π@& he ever had and even texted me that it was the biggest mistake of his life and for sure it was because theres a resentment that lingers.

Asking which school kids go to seems a perfectly normal question in the context of chat at a kids class so the answers from 9 years ago seem weird!

In your current situation the other mum seems to be annoyingly pushy but also, if you just give a really vague answer answer when asked what school your kids are at I can see how she would keep following you down that rabbit hole of trying to get you to say the school name.

I also suspect what you are classing as “really intense questions” could also be innocuous chat. She asks where you live, you say Avenue B, she says my mate Dave lives there do you know him? Or is it more than that?

So she's chatted with you and remembered something you said and then she's interested enough in you as a person to follow that up when she next sees you. I don't think that's odd at all. I think it shows she likes you as a person and is interested in getting to know you and is trying to find something mutual you can chat about. I don't know why you're so weird and defensive about it. I don't really like this mumsnet phrase but you sound like hard work op.