To be assertive with my friend

[pussinboots61]

A good friend of mine, who can be selfish, really upset me on Sunday and I don't know if I dealt with it correctly and I can't seem to let it go and am stewing about it.

She messaged me in the morning to ask if I wanted to meet up. I was wary as she has cancelled things with me in the past for no reason but I said I would meet her as I'd got nothing planned. I told her I needed to go in Boots in town to see the pharmacist and that we could have lunch afterwards. She said that would be great and we agreed to meet up.

I had worked a six day week and just wanted to chill out with her for lunch in a cafe in town. When we met we had a coffee in town and that she suggested going to a park outside of the town centre. I told her I felt really tired after the week at work and was hoping we could just relax today. She is obsessed with walking and being outdoors. I told her I didn't feel up to it.

She then really upset me by saying sarcastically that I only sit down at work and don't get much exercise. I did bite back then and told her that my job is tiring, even though I love it. I work with the public and have lots to contend with every day, her job, when she worked, was doing admin work and not seeing anyone face to face.

I feel really hurt by this. We did end up going to this park and she got her own way. We had a farce as the buses were diverted but she was still determined to go. I didn't walk too much, just a gentle stroll and we did have a coffee there but she was moaning about how long we were in Boots and that she didn't want to have a meal later in town as town is 'crap' but we ended up doing that and she enjoyed it after all that.

I could bring things up about her being difficult in the past but I don't. I do enjoy her company but I don't want this fight every time. I am willing to compromise with her but on Sunday we had agreed what we were doing and she wanted to change it at the last minute and was sarcastic about my reasons for not wanting to do it.

I am sympathetic towards her as she lost her husband to cancer two years ago and I have tried to be supportive. She was, however, like this before her husband got ill. It was his birthday yesterday which could have an effect on her but I don't feel she should treat me like this.

Any tips on how I can handle it when we do meet up again?

Yes friendships can be tiring at times. Sounds like she is used to getting her own way. My friend is a bad timekeeper but sometimes I just havent energy in my week for any extras or dramas

Sorry she was so selfish OP.

You’ve tried explaining but she doesn’t want to hear you. You’re right that being assertive is the only way. If this happens again is say No and go home. Don’t be persuaded to do what you don’t want to do. She’s not acting like a friend at all. It’s disappointing.

If she doesn’t buck her ideas up sharpish then I would stop seeing her. It sounds miserable.

I think that the thing is with people like this, they take the mick and over step boundaries because they know you will let them push you over

You said friend has done this many times before, and can be selfish.

First step is to weigh up if you genuinely want to continue the friendship. If you do, then you need to be firm with her.

Friendships are compromise and it’s okay to do things she wants to do half the time but if a plan has been agreed beforehand and you put in your boundaries “I don’t want to go to the park, I’m tired” and she disrespects them, then tell her “No. we agreed lunch, if you want to go to the park that’s fine but I’ll go and grab lunch myself”

If your friend still continues to ignore your boundaries, then you know where the friendship is heading

Why meet up again? She sounds like a toddler. Next time she wants to meet up I’d tell her you didn’t enjoy the last time you were together and you’re not interested in being lied to or made feel bad about wanting to chill out after a week at work.

She needs her thing and you need yours, no one is wrong.

But to get things the way you like them, pre-book a table in town so she can't change it.

Next time she wants to meet up have a good think about what YOU want. If you agree to see her and she tries to railroad you try to stand your ground, say we agreed to this. Life is too short to not enjoy your time off, maybe it’ll be time to phase her out if she can’t be nice.

Thank you for your replies. Another thing she said to me, as were parting ways to get our buses, was that I had been 'mardy'. This is a Yorkshire saying which means to be difficult and awkward. This is another thing that upset me.

She is messaging me now as if nothing has happened. I am being OK with her but I am loathed to put up with all this again.

Next time she wants to meet I am going to have to set boundaries.

By not meeting up again?

Personally, I have no time for people like this. Life is short.

If you insist though, next time an arrangement is in place, you could text, “I’m not planning on walking or being outdoors today. Just having lunch. Let me know whether or not that suits you, so we don’t experience the same frustrations as last time 🙂”

Why on earth did you go to the park if you said no ? Of course she will try and override you

I would be tempted to text her and say you don't appreciate being called mardy when all you were doing was setting out what you wanted to do

I'm sorry, but your friend's husband died a mere two years ago, it was his birthday and you begrudgingly agreed to go for a walk with her? Surely a good friend would be doing everything possible to give her even the smallest bit of joy?

Can you not understand why she was in a sensitive mood and perhaps needed to get some gentle exercise in the sun to release some serotonin and maybe help her depression (over her husband dying??)

Why do people not understand that a widow may not be their cheery chirpy self so quickly after they've lost the love of their life, their best friend and the person they were planning to spend their future with?

Geez, cut the woman a break. I'm pretty sure she would have much rather spent her husband's birthday with him than you, but she can't, because he died.

Believe me I do sympathise with her and have been there for her for the past two years. If you read my message you will see that I have said that she was like this before her husband got ill.

She is not like this with her other friends which makes me feel that she is only like it with me.

I am not unsympathetic at all and on many occasions, before her husband died and since, I have gone along with with her and done things to suit her.

But now it is getting a bit one sided and hurtful when she only seems to treat me this way.

She’s probably only like this with you, because you’re the only one with whom she gets away with doing so. You owe her nothing. And certainly not being her personal punch bag.

So you ended up going to the park when you didn't want to. And she ended up going into town when she didn't want to? Doesn't sound like you're being a push over and a stroll to a park isn't exactly a marathon is it.

Well friendships are about compromise so I don't see why you always have to do it her way. The thought of a walk sounds hideous to me, but my friends know I'd never do that. I'd just stick to your guns.

Just to add, surely as friends there must be something you both want to do. If there isn't then I don't think this is a genuine friendship.

You enjoy her company?
That surprises me because she sounds stressful to have to deal with.

Or do you mean you enjoy her company when you do everything you're told and she gets her own way ?

I have a friend a bit like this. Whenever we meet up she often has these ambitious plans when I just fancy getting a coffee. She tends to want everything on her terms & even if I push back she doesn’t give up on her agenda easily. I find it exhausting & stressful & I’ve been trying to change the dynamic because I think she’s used to me being the amenable one that tends to compromise. Since developing a health condition I’ve had to stand my ground more but it’s still hard work. I’ve realised that I have to be quite direct which doesn’t come naturally to me. It takes time to change these well established dynamics.

I don't understand why she agreed to meet up in the first place if she was unhappy with boots and town.

It sounds like she’s too comfortable with you and expects her way and doesn’t like it if you don’t want to do what she does. I can understand your frustration especially as you had laid down the plans and she tried to Chang them.
Arnt sure what you can say or do other than just not see her, as I don’t think she sounds open to compromise with you,
From what you said! Are you long term friends with a lot of history? Have you just both changed over time and now have different priorities and interests ? Could it maybe the friendship has just run it’s course and she’s lost respect takes you for granted and treats you more like you would a family member ,that she just assumes will always be there and just put up with her behaviour ,no matter how she behaves ?
saying that there must be some good qualities in her and regarding her late husband’s birthday , think I’d cut her some slack there. As can’t imagine that wouldn’t case her some upset and cause her to act out of sorts. But going forward only you know if the friendship is worth the agro or not and whether it’s always like this or if it can become more two sides

If you read my initial post you will see that my friend has been like this before. We had both agreed to meet in town and have lunch there. I had just done a six day week at work in a taxing job and didn't feel like getting another bus out of town, especially when there was a diversion on and we had a farce getting a bus to the park anyway,

I hear you. I have always just given in the sake of a quiet life but now I refuse to be put on. It's far from easy though but sometimes we just have to be direct for our own sanity.

OP, I recently cut ties with someone.
The final straw: arranged to meet for dinner before going to a concert.
She turned up 25mins late, no apology, straight on to her phone to check her neighbour had received her Amazon parcel. Had to rush dinner to make the concert on time. Swore then it would be our last outing. And it was. Her obsession with her phone on every single occasion truly got on my nerves and I suspect she sensed this but it didn't stop her.

I think.you sound about as bad as each other. You both want to get your own way and don't want to compromise. You don't sound very understanding of her bereavement. But she does sound selfish. However she did come to dinner with you. I wonder if her opinion of you is similar to yours of her?

Tedious.

I understand how you feel. I have another friend who used to be on her phone every time we met. She would compromse and everything about what to do but the minute we got sat down she would be scrolling through her phone the whole time while I sat there like a lemon. It really hacks me off when people do this. Fortunately she's stopped doing it now. I haven't said anything to her but either someone has or she's just realised how rude she was being. Had it carried on I would have said something as I feel stronger now.