To be assertive with my friend

[pussinboots61]

A good friend of mine, who can be selfish, really upset me on Sunday and I don't know if I dealt with it correctly and I can't seem to let it go and am stewing about it.

She messaged me in the morning to ask if I wanted to meet up. I was wary as she has cancelled things with me in the past for no reason but I said I would meet her as I'd got nothing planned. I told her I needed to go in Boots in town to see the pharmacist and that we could have lunch afterwards. She said that would be great and we agreed to meet up.

I had worked a six day week and just wanted to chill out with her for lunch in a cafe in town. When we met we had a coffee in town and that she suggested going to a park outside of the town centre. I told her I felt really tired after the week at work and was hoping we could just relax today. She is obsessed with walking and being outdoors. I told her I didn't feel up to it.

She then really upset me by saying sarcastically that I only sit down at work and don't get much exercise. I did bite back then and told her that my job is tiring, even though I love it. I work with the public and have lots to contend with every day, her job, when she worked, was doing admin work and not seeing anyone face to face.

I feel really hurt by this. We did end up going to this park and she got her own way. We had a farce as the buses were diverted but she was still determined to go. I didn't walk too much, just a gentle stroll and we did have a coffee there but she was moaning about how long we were in Boots and that she didn't want to have a meal later in town as town is 'crap' but we ended up doing that and she enjoyed it after all that.

I could bring things up about her being difficult in the past but I don't. I do enjoy her company but I don't want this fight every time. I am willing to compromise with her but on Sunday we had agreed what we were doing and she wanted to change it at the last minute and was sarcastic about my reasons for not wanting to do it.

I am sympathetic towards her as she lost her husband to cancer two years ago and I have tried to be supportive. She was, however, like this before her husband got ill. It was his birthday yesterday which could have an effect on her but I don't feel she should treat me like this.

Any tips on how I can handle it when we do meet up again?

If you read my initial message you will see that I have been more than understanding of my friend's bereavement. She has always wanted her own way for years and I have always given in. I think a time comes when you feel enough is enough.

What is tedious?

So she didn't want to go to the cafe and you didn't want to walk. Either you're incompatible in interests or you both need to meet in the middle, spending half the time in the cafe and half the time walking. Or cafe one time and walking another. You could go to the park, get a coffee and sit down there.

Gosh what a drama over a stroll in the park - it’s not like she’s asked you to run a marathon with her. A stroll in the park is hardly tiring (if anything it would help energy levels). It sounds like you both enjoy different things. Friendship is about compromise - you fancied lunch, and she fancied a stroll - you both got what you wanted but each feel that the other person was being difficult. I’d cut her a bit of slack if it was her dead husband’s birthday too.

In that situation I'd be reassessing if we really were compatible as friends tbh. Sounds like you wanted to mostly chill and she wanted to get some exercise - neither are wrong, but if you often don't want to do the same things then meeting up won't really work. 😔

I wouldn't have gone in the first place. You need to start saying no and prioritising your own rest and free time.

I also think she doesn't care about you at all. If one of my friends are exhausted then we are adjust things around her, and I feel concerned not annoyed.

I can't have friends like yours op, it is always about them.
A good friendship should be a two way street built on understanding and care, and this sounds horrible and like a form of punishment to see her.
She also minimises your feelings and dismisses them.

Thing is, you caved in. I’d have said no to the bus to the out of town park and not got into debate about / defended my reasons.

great suggestion ^

make sure you are upfront with the next arrangement. Negotiate an arrangement that suits you both and get her agreement that she’ll stick to it.

6 of one half a dozen of another situation. Whether to make more of a fuss depends on how many other friends you've got to spend time with. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like you both compromised? From her point of view she asked you to meet for lunch and a chat. You agreed. You then put a caveat in by popping boots into the mix. She compromised and went to boots with you. Afterwards she asked you to go for a walk and you came across reluctant as you were tired. You could have had coffee/lunch then said right I’m off to boots and she may have gone on her walk?
how did a lunch date then get to dinner? Was the plan to be out all day in which case sitting around all day wouldn’t be for everyone and a walk seems like a natural break up.

She is messaging me now as if nothing has happened. I am being OK with her but I am loathed to put up with all this again.

OP, it's not really OK to be cross at your friends, have a good moan about them and act like everything is fine to their face. If you don't like her behaviour, you don't have to put up with it, but if you're not prepared to say anything then it's time to accept it.

Just tell her you didn't appreciate the way she behaved today and it's making you question the friendship. If she kicks off then fine, don't meet her again. You never know, she may just respect you more for finally standing up for yourself.

It wasn't just about a walk in the park. We had agreed to meet in town for lunch and I was truly tired, I just wanted to relax after a six day week at work. I would have gone to the park with her another day but she was insistent on going there and then, even though the buses were diverted and all over the place.. She has always been this way and it gets a bit waring. Every time we make plans she ends up changing it to suit herself. And I have been more than understand about her husband.

I didn't put going to Boots into the mix. When she first messaged me to ask me to meet up I told her I needed to go in Boots so she knew the score in the first place. I said we could meet at Boots and then go for lunch and her response was 'that's great'. She then complained about having to spend time in Boots but I had told her that was what I had planned and needed to do that day.

I swear nobody is reading the opening post properly!!
She knew you had to go to boots, she agreed to go for lunch and then changed it when she got there.
You did nothing wrong!

Maybe, but OP is ridiculously long! She could have asked her AIBU in 20% of the waffle.

Thank you.

It's hardly waffling. It's explaining the situation like most posts on here. Had I just written a sentence you'd be asking for more information to get the real picture!

Friend - let's go to the put of town park for a walk
You - that's not what we agreed to do. I'm looking forward to catching up with you over lunch
F - No I want to go to the park
Y - OK, well I'm still going for lunch in town. It would have been nice to catch up properly, drop me a text to arrange when we can next me. Have a good walk. Bye

And take yourself off for lunch somewhere with your kindle.

Don't give in to this bully otherwise they will continue to force their agenda and overlook what was previously agreed and what you want to do.

OP, she is treating you poorly because she thinks she can.
I think you need to be a LOT less available to her.
I would be leaving it 24 hours to answer her text or give a 👍.

How dare she call you "mardy".
She is rude and it is a pattern.
How dare she dismiss your job.

Next time she asks to meet, blow her off.
We teach people how to treat us an you have tolerated too much bullshit and rudeness from her.
Bereavement would make NO difference to me on that score.

Listen to your gut, which has had enough of her.
Life is too short for spending time with rude, disrespectful, bossy people.

Exactly this! You can’t change this type of person because they’re used to getting their own way by putting others down.

I hear you, OP. I dropped a friend who never wanted to meet for lunch or coffee and chat but always wanted to walk. Walking isn't my favourite exercise as it is hard for me. It used up previous exercising time without getting me the results I needed. I also didn't get the enjoyment of a nice coffee and a sit down and face to face conversation. It's not what I want from a friendship. When faced with "my way or the highway" I took the highway

If you do want to continue with the friendship, the best time to agree the venue and what you'll do is during the arrangement-setting time ie when you text each other to agree what you'll do. Maybe you could suggest alternating the arrangement choice, so one time it's your choice and the next time it's her's etc. that way you both have a commitment to support the choice of the other. It will involve compromise and that's what a good friendship is about, not just having it one person's way the whole time.

if that doesn't work it doesn't sound like you have a problem that may not be possible to solve.

It's completely understandable that you'd feel hurt by your friend's behavior. You’d made plans for a relaxing day, and her insistence on changing those plans, along with the sarcastic remark, likely felt dismissive of your feelings. Especially when you've been supportive and understanding of her situation, it can feel frustrating when it seems that respect isn’t reciprocated.

When you do meet up again, it might help to establish clearer boundaries around your plans. You could try saying something like, "I’d love to spend time together, but I really need a relaxing day. If that doesn’t sound good to you, maybe we can plan for another time when we’re both on the same page." This sets a gentle boundary while also leaving room for her preferences on another occasion.

If the sarcasm comes up again, a calm response like, "I feel hurt when you say things like that," can make her aware without escalating tension. It’s also okay to share how much her companionship means to you but express that you need a balanced give-and-take in the friendship.

Over time, she may understand that your friendship works best with mutual respect and consideration. And while her personal struggles may affect her behavior, you also deserve understanding and kindness in return.