AIBU to be honest with my kids about danger

[Flossyts]

what a horrific horrible event in Southport today. My heart goes out to those poor kids and their families.
It terrifies me as a mother and also makes me wonder whether my kids would know what to do in such a scary situation. Would they know to leave the building for example despite at the beginning of the session having been being expressly told not to. My autistic son would perhaps not.
My kids were telling me that they were talking to a neighbour in the woods (they weren’t in the woods, our garden backs onto the woods). They thought it’s ok because he’s not a stranger. (Despite having been told that not all dangerous ppl are strangers) I told them about the Soham murders (2 young girls murdered by their school caretaker). They don’t seem ‘distressed’ by this, but still I wonder if I’ve take it too far. I don’t want to make therm terrified of everything but at the same time I’m petrified that I don’t give them enough info to stay safe. My son wants to walk home from school from next year (aged 10) and although it’s only 5 mins village walk it scares the life of me.
AIBU for being honest and scaring the kids a little? Has anyone had this backfire?

Hmmm im not sure your examples stack up if Im honest. In the first one , I don't think you should be telling them to leave the building, you don't want children randomly wandering, but to follow the staff instructions. And i don't see the harm in talking to neighbours they know over the fence. I don't personally think that scaring them is a good idea, these awful stories are thankfully rare , although are so publicised now with social media etc. As long as you teach them the basics eg don't get into cars, houses etc without parents knowing - we used a safe word, private touching and secrets are not ok , then we have to equip them to go out into the world with confidence. And that can be hard, I know . A 10 year old walking 5 minutes to school seems fine to me, mine did, but I built up to it with road crossing practice etc. At secondary school they may be catching buses etc so best to build up confidence gradually.
There was a thread earlier about giving children confidence, independence is a big part of this. I know its scary but sometimes you have to take a deep breath and let them go.

i think this is your anxiety. We had “safety rules” which included what to do if lost but I actually work quite hard to get the balance right between knowing risks exist but not being terrified to live and be independent.

Google “safety rules for children” for some ideas. The key is to empower not terrify.

You need to talk about circles of safety or something.
Eg There is Mum and Dad.
There are wider family
Mummy 's friends who come to the house and we all go out with, and you have been to their house.
There are other school parents we chat to but don't socialise with.
There are neighbours and hairdressers etc.

Who to accept sweets from, who to accept a left from when it is pouring down with rain, who to share news with etc.

The Soham murders were 22yrs ago. These tragedies make headlines because they’re rare. There’s no point purposefully terrifying them - just teach them so streetwise skills.

It's very natural to take refuge in the belief that you can protect your kids from being victims of a murderer, child abductor, etc by arming them with warnings or information.

It's more for your benefit than for the children all the same.

If you're truly terrified, and it's affecting your appraisal of everyday situations like your child walking home from school or talking to a neighbour (woods or no woods) I'd gently advise you to make an appointment with your GP to discuss anxiety and ways to deal with it

I agree with @mathanxiety. This is your anxiety. You need to let your kids have some independence otherwise they'll be at real risk when they go out by themselves at some point. Walking 5 minutes home in a village by themselves sounds like an ideal place to start.

My mum scared the absolute crap out of me as a child about all aspects of safety. Strangers, murderers, house fires, stabbings, kidnappings. As an adult I have severe PTSD and a highly medicated anxiety disorder. I totally blame her for making me paranoid and terrified.

teach them Run Hide Tell, and to turn off their phones in situations where they are hiding.

The fact is though, children don't have the judgement, and that is why you need to supervise them

I can't count the number of times I told my children NEVER get into a car unless I have agreed it - even if they know the driver. They still did, when a nursery worker offered them a life home once - I was furious with her.

Yup🖕do this

Your children need to know that there are adults who will help them as well as adults who are dangerous as well.

Yesterday, I saw a video of a young child, who knew how to get help for his collapsed mother. If they are scared of everyone... how will they do this?

I don’t get your example of what has happened in Southport today. The “leaving the building” scenario I mean. Those children were stabbed, they weren’t stuck in a building that was on fire. There was nothing these victims could do to “keep safe”.

As for telling your children about Ian Huntley in relation to them talking to your neighbour, words fail me.

They are very independent. And extremely confident - they will gladly talk to anyone- I think that’s what worries me the most though.
I am an over thinker.

So what would you do about them speaking to people they shouldn’t be speaking to?
(After repeatedly saying they shouldn’t be). This isn’t someone we know - just someone they recognise. This wasn’t out in the open - he was in the public woods staring into our garden.
they are allowed out the front on their bikes - out of sight from the house. I need them ti know what danger looks like. Cars are easy ti explain- dodgy men less so.

I’ve explained it to them that if they need help they can approach an adult. However it is rare that an adult would approach them for help if there’s other adults around. And that a stranger shouldn’t be approaching them for anything beyond a hello or good morning in passing.

Is there a reason you think your neighbour is dodgy? Or just you don't know him...

Yes this is my point. I think both of mine would get in the car. Hence I’m wondering how honest to get with the 10 year old. As a kid I don’t think I had a second thought about things like that either.

The issue is NOT talking to NDNs or, for that matter, almost anyone in the public. It's about understanding what is appropriate/inappropriate discussion, not going anywhere without telling you, not going into people's houses if they don't know them well etc

So talk to the NDN is fine. But DC need to learn that talking about general chit chat is fine, but personal information is not. Going into the neighbour's house without express persmission from you, probably not fine (we ahve excellent neighbours who have known my Dc for years so that wouldn't apply here, but would if we had a new neighbour).

Unless you have a specific concern about this specific neighbour in which case, sure, tell them they're not allowed to talk to him.

These stories are awful and heart wrenching but they are so awful becuase they are so unexpected and so random.

I don’t know him, and he was staring into our garden from the woods. My dad even took a picture because it was strange. For all I know he could he could have dementia and not really registering what he was doing, but it was odd. He quickly shut up when my dad joined the children.

Yes I’m probably over the top about house fires as well.

We had a drowning incident with the youngest (he’s fine), but I think it’s put my brain into overdrive. I just feel that safety precautions go in one ear and out the other at the moment.

Thankyou for your really helpful point of view

It wasn’t in response to the neighbours actions (who is probably a perfectly nice man). It was in response to him saying ‘he’s not a stranger’.

My Mum constantly told us about the Moors murderers but neglected to say they’d gone to prison 7 years before I was born. I was constantly on the lookout for Myra Hindley. Meanwhile I went to my friend’s house for breakfast every morning and we walked to school together - her Dad, who was there every morning, was jailed for life 10 years ago for abusing young girls. Talking to the neighbour is normal for your children - they just need to know not to go to strangers’ houses or get into their cars.

I think you need to stop putting it under one umbrella. "Tricky People" is one lesson. "What to do in an emergancy" is another. I don't think you can assume that what happened today could have been prevented if the kids had been told to behave differently- I think that's quite offensive.

Excellent point. Thank you for sharing your point of view.