Relationships can’t have been solid if his head was turned

[Hummingbirdie]

Saw another poster write this on a thread and it made me think, do people think if someone has an affair that the state of the marriage must have been to blame? How much is the cheating partners fault or is it a shared responsibility that it happened?

YABU it’s shared responsibility
YANBU a cheating spouse is to blame

Whenever an MN thread arises asking if anyone has ever cheated in the past, the answers of those who have are invariably “yes, but…” followed by various reasons behind why they did it / felt they were driven to it - so yes, I think it’s true to say that in the vast majority of cases where cheating occurs, the relationship isn’t anywhere near as perfect as the person cheated on is telling themselves it is, and they’ve probably been putting their head in the sand about it and their own shortcomings.

Equally I’ve never known a friend or acquaintance to cheat and it to be an utter surprise to anyone: the problems in the relationship were obvious to anyone in the outside, let alone the inside, and even if they may not have handled it in the right way, breaking up was always the best thing that could have happened.

I had 1,000 rugs pulled out from under me when stbxh left for OW. I thought we were solid, he's never expressed or shown any unhappiness and definitely "wasn't the type". I was a good wife and partner and he was the centre of my world - I take no responsibility for his cowardly actions.

All of the women I know who’ve cheated have been unhappy. Every last one. Often with lack of domestic support/ blokes prioritising golf weekends over a family holiday etc. Getting the ick after cleaning the toilet over and over again and slowly becoming open to the advances of the nice guy at work who doesn’t view her as a maid.

Male cheaters in my experience are sometimes genuinely unhappy, yes, but it’s just as likely to be opportunity and the lure of a new person, a novelty.

There are so many reasons why people cheat. Sometimes it's because of something missing in the marriage, sometimes it's simply opportunity - because they can and sometimes it's pure entitlement. I've known men who have a mistress because they feel they deserve one. Some just cannot keep it in their pants.

Many Reasons. Opportunistic mistake, exit affairs, greed fuckers typically ok marriage and just hope they don’t get caught. Head turned who knows it’s all selfish 💩

I've only ever cheated on relationships I didn't consider permanent and I wasn't in love with the person. So yeah, I'd say if you cheat when you've got a wonderful relationship you must be pretty damned foolish?! Or just incapable of fidelity.

Whilst in many cases the relationship can be rocky, it’s still a cowardly thing to do and the person who cheats is 100% at fault. If you’re not happy then leave - don’t cheat. You don’t accidentally cheat, it’s a deliberate choice you
make. So you can make the deliberate choice to end the relationship without cheating.

Thing is, what is "solid" and what is an ok state of affairs given the stage of life you are at? My ex left for OW when we had toddlers. We'd only been married a couple of years, though together for much longer. To my mind we were in the trenches, working, childcare, small kids.. it was a bit of a slog but each held up our end of things and were getting through it with some light ahead in the form of school years and less £££ in childcare. I actually encouraged him to rediscover a hobby as I tended to have a bit more of a social life than him, at which he met OW and that was it. I don't think we were unhappy, but at a challenging stage and he didn't have the grit to see it out. The fact that he moved away and went EOW, dwindling to less than that now suggests to me that it was the family stuff that he couldn't handle, not that we as a couple were fatally flawed. If he'd stayed around, done 50/50 then I'd accept that it was us that was broken, but he basically broke up with family life and proper parenting.

I don't think it's about "responsibility" as that implies blame or fault. The person who was cheated on could have been giving the relationship 110% and done everything "right" but that doesn't mean they weren't aware that the relationship was had issues.

It's not that the victim is to blame for their partner cheating. Cheating is still the wrong thing to do in any circumstance. But I've never known anyone who has been cheated on who didn't eventually admit that there were problems they were in denial about at the time.

I think people men are attracted to the shiny and new. And generally have a higher sense of entitlement than women.
Plus there's an element of confusing the slog of family life/chores/responsibility, with thinking there's something wrong with the relationship - there isn't, it's just that it isn't as exciting as it was when neither party had any responsibilities and it was all date nights.

People are just fucking cowards and would rather lie than tell the truth to their other halves THAT’s why they cheat. If they had the balls (or otherwise) they’d be honest and put an end to their relationship before they started another.

cheating bastards. Cowards, every single last one of them.

No one ever got dragged out of a relationship they are happy in. If you’re happy, you are just not interested in anyone else.

Not necessarily true. A friend of mine was in a happy relationship with someone who had a sex worker habit from before they met.

I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to say it’s a shared responsibility, as in I don’t think the person who was cheated on holds any responsibility for the cheating, but I do think that people who are genuinely happy in their relationship don’t cheat. That’s not the fault of the other person, they could still have been doing everything “right”, it’s just that the relationship maybe wasn’t everything the other person was looking for or it was missing something they wanted. My husband and I are totally happy, still as in love as the day we met, we’re also best friends, I have everything I could want in a relationship and partner in him so I would never even dream or looking elsewhere. I think it’s only really when people are unhappy in their relationship or feel the relationship is missing something that they cheat because they are actively seeking whatever it is they are missing.

And if they continued to use sex workers after they met, it's because something was missing from the 'happy' relationship.

Unless the relationship was an open one where the partner approved the use of sex workers.

I agree

It had nothing to do with the relationship, it had everything to do with a long term secret sex addiction. It would have continued in every relationship (and did).

a relationship can't have been solid for the one who cheats.. i agree! is it the other persons fault? that depends i guess.

a relationship is all about communication, and if both parties don't communicate then its likely to go wrong for 1 of them.

but communication is a grown up, adult action and sadly lots of people in relationships are anything but grown up!

God, how scummy. Worse, you sound proud of it.

Every example I've known of cheating, bar one, were men who decided that the responsibilities and hard work of family life were "making them unhappy".

Entitled shirkers, basically.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. We have two small children and it’s family life and the slog that hes not a a fan of.

other woman is a fantasy escape from me at 6am feeding two small children soggy weetabix in my dressing gown

Strongly agree

There is just no one size fits all with this kind of thing. No affairs are created equal and happen for different reasons.
So yes, sometimes it’s both people to blame for neglecting their relationship, taking each other for granted, lack of communication etc. but sometimes it is fully the cheating spouse (usual the serial cheaters, one night stander types), and dare I say it as this is very controversial on MN, but sometimes the “betrayed” is actually the one to blame. There are abusive, nasty, controlling and generally narcissistic “betrayed” spouses out there too and affairs act as the catalyst the “wayward” spouse needs to get themselves out of a terrible situation.

i certainly wasn't
we lived a great life
turned my world so upside down i had a emotional breakdown that im still recovering fro

together 22 years, 2 tried for kids(fertility treatment so it wasn't a accident that was kept)
meet at 17(him) 18 (me)
each others only(romantically and secually)
i was even his first kiss

were were very happy, trying for baby 3(fertility treatment) and looking to move to a bigger house

together 24/7 as we were home eductors and carers as boys are disabled

we had a small row, he went out for McDonalds as a sorry and never came home

found out next day he's moved in with our ex friend

she rang him to talk as she broke up with her fiancée
he went there and never came home

she declared her feelings for him and he decided there and then to give up 22 years,2 kids(possibility of another one) and his whole life for her

now she already had 9 kids by 9 different men(not 1 involved)majority with in 9 months of the last

fiancée wasn't a dad to any, she only knew him 6 months

that morning he took our joint claim and transferred it to hers(we are carers on UC as both boys are disabled and all the other benefits that come with a disabled child ,kids are too disabled for us to work)
got engaged and started trying for a baby

i found out late morning via a phone call and just went in to shock as i thought he was at his mothers when he didn't come home

this was winter 2020
with in 4 weeks they tried to get married(how they thought it would happen in lockdown i never know)

3 and half years later they are married,
1 baby who's 2 and she's 6 months pregnant again so technically my ex is a legal father of 13 as when he married he put his name on her kids birth certificates as no dad was ever involved(illegal i know)

my kids haven't seen him since as they refused to see him

my oldest even changed his surname as soon as he turned 16
i tried with my youngest but cant yet as he's too young

i get/got zero money of him as benefits are not taken in to consideration

but their household is on roughly 6000-6500 a month(could be more)

9 kids are on high dla,2 adult on full PIP and 2 carers allowances and UC.
all disability elements per child to go along with all of the above

but boy have they had their karma
they have had nothing but illnesses,
both adults are now severely disabled(not fat shaming but she's gone up to 29 st) and need 24/7 care each(even though she's pregnant)

both adults are not capable of looking after disabled kids (all under 15)let alone the other adult and especially not babies
she also home educates, that's how we met her

with in a few months they had extreme stress as 2 oldest went haywire with the new set up

social services referrals 6 times(no it wasn't me)
i know as his mother keeps me informed

there was no affair, she saw a chance declared her feelings and he took it

i will never ever forgive either of them
and especially him for giving up everything
he should have said no, came home and we would have had nothing more to do with her

Cheating is a form of abuse. It destroys peoples lives and mental health. Really shitty to suggest they're somehow responsible for it.