Relationships can’t have been solid if his head was turned

[Hummingbirdie]

Saw another poster write this on a thread and it made me think, do people think if someone has an affair that the state of the marriage must have been to blame? How much is the cheating partners fault or is it a shared responsibility that it happened?

YABU it’s shared responsibility
YANBU a cheating spouse is to blame

The women I've seen who have cheated have been unhappy with lazy man child husbands. The men I've known who have cheated do it because they had an opportunity/they got a bit of attention.

Completely agree with this

Agree 100%. It's hard enough being left for someone else without trying to figure out if you did anything wrong.

I don't know if this helps, but I came close to cheating once in a work colleague and it was because I was madly stressed at work and basically being put in fight or flight response constantly by a toxic work culture.

In all honesty, flirting with a work colleague who completely understood the pressure and helped me felt like a release.

My DH has always been perfect but he wasn't there, in it, with me.

Anyway, I didn't cheat - but it's strange because if I had, I don't believe it would've been anything to do with my DH, but just a reaction to stress.

Lots of people cheat after a bereavement too. I don't think it's always as simple as it being about your relationship, rather than general unhappiness and looking for something to numb it

Secret sexual basement by Minwalla is worth a read.

There is nothing wrong with shagging about but don’t get married and/or pretend you are monogamous. If you want to shag about with no commitments own it and don’t mess your spouse about. Let them move on and find someone new who is faithful and committed (and not putting them at risk if STDs).

I can only describe it in terms of why I don’t cheat on my husband.
I’ve said this a fair few times. Nothing my husband does could make me cheat on him. I choose not to cheat for me. He is very annoying at times. But I want to like the woman I see in the mirror each morning. I will spend the rest of my life with me! I value my integrity and honesty. I willingly said marriage vows in front of my family and friends and I want my word to mean something to me and to those I love. My words matter to me. My integrity matters to me. I have had plenty of opportunity to cheat. Tinder is at my fingertips. But I choose to remain faithful. I am faithful for me. It’s a choice and nothing my husband does could make me remain faithful or cheat. He isn’t that powerful. I believe that no man on earth is worth giving up my values for. They are important to me. My husband is collateral damage to my choices.

If you want out leave the marriage. Cheating never fixes anything. I would not wish betrayal trauma on anyone. It’s so sad to watch a friend as she develops mental health issues due to betrayal - heartbreaking.

No marriage is solid every day of every year for a lifetime. If you are unhappy 1) then say you are unhappy, maybe go to counselling (or read Gottmans work). 2) divorce 3) put up shut up. Three valid choices. Sex in a car park with Dave from Tinder or your boss or best mates hubby - doesn’t seem like a great 4th option to me.

Interesting that so many posters say women only cheat when unhappy and men for the novelty.

If you are going to argue certain needs are not being net for an affair to happen, surely that applies to both sexes.

Always, always, always - something is missing/wrong in the relationship. Always.

It doesn’t mean the other spouse holds any blame, but something is not right for a cheating spouse to cheat. Why would someone cheat if they are 100% happy? They just don’t and wouldn’t. I’ve spoken to enough cheaters to know this without a doubt.

Generally speaking I think women cheat because they're unhappy.
Men may cheat because of sheer novelty/opportunity and most don't think any less of their wives but the stupid cunts are too dumb to be discreet thus ensuring their wives find out and that, of course, may be intolerable.

No.

Some men cheat for novelty alone.

Foolmeonce - do you not think some people are just selfish and would cheat regardless of the relationship they were in? Some men don’t use prostitutes because they aren’t having sex but because they enjoy the illicit/danger/risk/the fact she slept with 10 other men that week turns him in and they get off on that fact - they cannot get that with ANY long term partner.

I think cheats say something was missing because if not they would have to say I’m a selfish person who wanted ego kibbles and felt entitled to sex etc.

Turns him on!

God, I find this hard to answer.

For me, there was nothing wrong at home. It was a weird weird case that I turned up at work one day and suddenly everything was different. I have no idea why, and if you'd told me this a week previously I'd have laughed in your face.

I never had a physical affair but I couldn't control how I felt. It was actually the worst thing that ever happened to me.

This is v familiar.

DH is pretty great, I can't in any way blame him.

The sort of man who leaves his marriage for another woman is a fucking loser, though.

Type of berk who probably has little experience with women and has his head turned cause another's touched his pee pee.
Indecisive wankers. Imagine being such a loser as a man that you'll go through with a wedding just for the sake of it and not mean a damned word you say to look after your wife.

But if a man is sure of himself, deeply cares for his wife and children, a good provider etc then yeah perhaps a little infidelity is tolerable provided of course if what goes on on tour stays on tour.

It's the stupidity that gets me.

Even if a relationship is bad, that's no excuse for cheating. Fix it or leave

My cheater ex fell apart when I kicked him out. Oh he was sorry, he loved me, he wanted to be with me. The nearest I got to an explanation was 'excitement', so yes, it was the whole shiny new thing reason on the whole, rather than any disatisfaction. And the fact that she would presumably shag him when he was absolutely pissed, which I wouldn't.

i don’t think there is any excuse at all for cheating, if you are not willing to try to save the marriage/relationship and feel the need to cheat you should just leave.

I've been very unhappy in previous relationships that ultimately ended, but still didn't consider cheating, as I'm not an arsehole with no morals.

I don’t think it’s right or fair to assume that affairs happens because of a ‘bad’ marriage, personally.

Attention from someone else can be intoxicating and can slowly tempt a person in an otherwise okay marriage away. The marriage starts to pale in comparison to the new, exciting prospect. They have to justify their behaviour by finding fault in the marriage. It’s a scale that slowly tips.

To assume ‘well, the marriage must have had problems’ is too simplistic and also feels very victim-blamey but people don't want yo think that it could happen to them.

Only the cheater decides to cheat instead if work on their marriage or do the decent thing and leave first.

I had a (female) friend many years ago who was hooked on the adrenaline of new relationships and cheating. She got pregnant very young, married the father. He was a good husband and father but she couldn’t help herself. He was “boring”. Eventually that marriage broke down.

she married again a few years later but continued in her quest for excitement and that marriage has broken down.

None of it was the fault of the husbands. It was all on her.

Absolutely not! No relationship is perfect. It’s something you work on together. My stb ex husband slept with a prostitute. This isn’t acceptable behaviour. If you’re that upset about the state of your relationship that you think you might cheat you should leave not cheat. It’s horrible. It’s made me question myself so much. I’ve actually tolerated a huge amount of terrible behaviour from this man in the name of love. He put me through hell. Some people are going to cheat because they want to. For various reasons. Many people in perfectly happy relationships cheat because of themselves. Because they need something else that being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t give them. That’s through no fault of the partner in most instances. For example some people just get bored of the same person, or they have a crisis over getting old and need to feel youthful again. No one is responsible for being unfaithful but the one cheating

I don't think you can ever say it is the other person's "fault", but sometimes people cheat because their relationship isn't meeting their needs, yes. But that can be for loads of reasons - it doesn't mean the other person is "wrong" - maybe they just aren't compatible, or have grown apart....

My friend always says her endless cheating is her husband's "fault" because he makes no effort (doesn't arrange holidays, doesn't do much housework etc). But I always say to her I think that's bollocks (I say it more politely) - that these may be reasons she is unhappy, but they don't make her cheat - she could always leave him if she wanted to.

Lots of people cheat and are still very in love with their partner. My daughter's dad was still in love with me when he cheated, and begged me not to leave him, (but I did and he is now with the OW he cheated with.)

While a cheating person may be genuinely unhappy/feel unfulfilled in their relationship, it doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with that relationship or that their partner is lacking in some way.

Some people just have overblown senses of entitlement so no relationship will ever be enough. The situation upthread where someone was secretly using sex workers throughout their relationship seems like a good illustration. Yes, that person may have felt a deep "need" to have so much sex that they chose to use sex workers at the same time as sleeping with his wife, but it doesn't mean his wife was in any way at fault or letting the relationship down.

This applies to emotional/attentional needs as much as physical needs - for some people, no amount of love/care/understanding/attention will ever fill the hole of need inside them.

And while there may be some relationships where cheating takes place that are genuinely flawed, the flaws don't excuse the cheating. Cheating is always a path chosen by people who are unwilling to address the reality of one relationship before embarking on their next.

I think it can be both, in a way.

The cheating spouse is always to blame.

AND

The relationship can’t have been solid

BUT

The other person in the relationship believed it to be solid because the cheating partner was a lying bastard who was very good at lying - possibly to themselves as well. The cheating partner is essentially incapable of a solid relationship, but manages to hide this.

I have had periods of unhappiness in my marriage but never felt the need to cheat. If I had got to that point I would have ended the marriage first. Sorry meant to say I agree with this poster mostly.