FIL Funeral

[Everpresentelectrician]

DH’s dad recently died. It was a little unexpected although he’s been physically declining for a while. DH is understandably devastated.

I’d never really got on with FIL. Nothing major, we just had nothing in common and literally nothing to say to one another. We saw each other at family get togethers and when him and MIL look after DD but I can’t remember ever having a direct one to one conversation with him about anything. He was a bit of a “gammon” (for want of a better word) in his views and I thought very rude socially when out of his comfort zone (not saying hello or thank you to people, not making conversation). I did tell DH my issues with him and he agreed he was like that but ultimately, it’s his dad, and by all accounts he had changed quite a bit from the dad he grew up with.

Anyway, the funeral is coming up and I mentioned us finding childcare for DD. DH asked why we need childcare, as he assumed I wouldn’t be coming. I said no, I will be coming, and he immediately answered back “you couldn’t stand him when he was alive, I’m not sure why you’d pretend now he’s dead”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I assume I am going but now feel really awkward, like I shouldn’t.

I should add this is very out of character for DH - we have a good marriage and very rarely have cross words.

AIBU to go?

Of course it is out of character. His dad just died unexpectedly. He is probably angry at the world and you just happened to be there to channel this anger. Do you want to go? Does the rest of the family welcome you to be there? If yes, then of course you should go.

My reason for going to my PIL funerals would be to support DH. My relationship with them is irrelevant when it comes to my role as a wife who supports her DH at a difficult time.

Just tell him calmly and kindly that you cared about your FIL, respected the role he's played in your DH's life and want to be there to both support DH and to honour his dad's passing. As others have said, he's just full of grief right now that's expressing itself as anger. Hug him hard.

I think you should have a conversation and see if your husband actually wants you to go. I understand that you wish to be there for him, of course you do, but grief does funny things to people.
I'm not sure I would have wanted someone at my parents funeral if they made it clear they didn't like them, family or not.

If your husband truly does not want you to go, then stay away. But you need to have a conversation about this.

Oh dear. I’ll be in this position when my in laws die. I’d expect to go as I’d want to support H. I guess he’s just sad.
Can you not be honest, with kindness and sympathy. And say you understand how he feels but wanted to be there to support him? Find out if he is lashing out or if he actually would rather go alone. Neither is wrong.
I dread the day I have to face it. I’m sure I’ll get ‘why are you here’ looks, my H would respect me not going, but I think he’d rather I faced it with him. Tricky situation.

DH's dad has just passed away, his emotions are all over the place and he's quite right in what he's said.. you didn't like the man when he was alive.

Maybe a gentle conversation with DH explaining that although you and FIL did not see eye to eye, you still want to be there to support him and give him comfort.

Perhaps you also need to be honest with yourself. why do you want to go? is it to support your DH or is it so you lose grace and favour with the rest of the family by being absent?

I'm sorry for you loss

Of course you go.
The fact that you and he didn't have a lot in common and didn't really click into friendship doesn't mean you hated each other or didn't respect each other. You would want to be there to honour him and pay your respects, and give thanks for his life because whatever else he was, he brought you your husband who wouldn't be the person he is today without his father. None of us choose our parents and when we choose our life-partner the parents that come with them are something you just have to accept for better or for worse, but they will always be important. And of course you would want to be there to support your DH as he goes through this devastating time.

It's not "pretending" when you go to the funeral of someone with whom you had a rocky relationship. Forgetting the negative and focusing on the positive is entirely appropriate.

Good luck finding childcare but probably best not to involve DH in the practicalities. He's going through a lot, and doesn't need anything extra to worry about. He probably lashed out at you because you talked to him about it while he was thinking about something more complex.

Exactly this. Of course you would expect to go, but of course he's hurting and saying things that are a bit out of character.

Don't make a big deal of it.

I don’t think you should go if your DH doesn’t want you there. The funeral isn’t about you and your wants.

Thank you all, good advice. I think we need to discuss it. I do want to go and not just because it’s what’s expected. He was DD’s grandfather (and very good at that) and I would like to support DH.

She’s 4, so no. There’s no issue with childcare, my parents will look after her.

Grief talking. You should go to support him. Take child with you? Theres always kids at funerals ive been to, lifts the mood somewhat

"Because I respected him, because I love you DH, and because that is a right thing to do."
Arrange childcare but don't involve your DH - 50/50 and all this, but at the time of crisis it can go 80/20 at times. He surely has plenty on his plate with funeral directors, supporting his DM, managing own grief and all of those can't be split into 50/50 either.

No, sorry, I don’t think a funeral is a place for a 4 year old. We’ve explained what’s happened and she understands. Just my opinion obviously, I completely respect that other people do things differently.

I would say to your DH that you want to go to support him.

Losing a parent is an emotional rollercoaster.

I understand you want to go. I would explain to dh you assumed you would go to support him. You dont hate fil and you appreciate he was a good dad and grandfather although you werent close personally.

However if he still doesnt want you to go then you do have to respect that. He may be being unreasonable but it is your job to support him however works for him.

Hopefully he was just angry and does want you to attend once he calms down.

Has he got siblings or family he is close to.

If yes, then I wouldn't go.

Don't force yourself on him at this time. He may just need to be around people who "liked" his Father.

Just because the OP’s DH is upset is no reason to assume he isn’t capable of deciding who he does and doesn’t want at a funeral with him. His feelings are valid and in this instance, the ones that matter. It’s wrong to ignore his views and needs, and assume he’s too upset to know better.

Op I 100% agree with you on this. My dad suddenly passed and I didn't even contemplate letting my then 5 year old go, I don't believe it's any place for a child. She's now 10, if something were to happen to the other grandparents then I would let her decide whether she wanted to go or not.

Although sorry I am digressing, I agree with what others have said, yes you weren't best friends but he was a fantastic grandad from what you said and you want to support your husband. He's just lashing out, calmly speak to him about this and explain it, you are being nothing but respectful.

My FIL didn’t like me ever and actually told me to my face he didn’t and hadn’t ever liked me. I wasn’t his biggest fan either but I made an effort because he was my FIL and a good grandad to my DC. It helped that we didn’t live near them so only had to spend time with him every couple of months and I made it more on my terms as much as I could.
When he passed away, I went to his funeral to support my DH and my DC but I didn’t shed any tears.

Like others have said, it is the grief talking. Grief makes people say and do weird things.

If you want to go, you should go. Its bigger than 'how much did you like him' - Its a coming together of family and friends in an important social and spiritual ritual that helps everyone in the grieving process regardless - that is why we do these things

lts purpose is

• to support your husband and others you love who are grieving
• to acknowledge the loss for all his family, who have lost a significant person in their world,
• to demonstrate to the family that he was loved and valued, and will be missed - the public recognition that he is remembered by many other people can be a real consolation.
• to honour his life and achievements as a human being
• to recognise you are sad he died, (even if you didn't like him) because people you care about loved him
• as a sign of respect, to recognise that while death is inevitable for us all, it is a significant event and the loss of a person should be marked.

and because of the all above, not going will be noticed and probably upset people.

People go to funerals of people they hardly knew, or didn't know at all, because a death is a big deal and a person is gone forever. You may not be as sad as your husband, but that is not the point. Its not the grief Olympics, where you have to have a qualifying amount of sadness. Its a big life event and you are a part of it too, albeit in a lesser role