FIL Funeral

[Everpresentelectrician]

DH’s dad recently died. It was a little unexpected although he’s been physically declining for a while. DH is understandably devastated.

I’d never really got on with FIL. Nothing major, we just had nothing in common and literally nothing to say to one another. We saw each other at family get togethers and when him and MIL look after DD but I can’t remember ever having a direct one to one conversation with him about anything. He was a bit of a “gammon” (for want of a better word) in his views and I thought very rude socially when out of his comfort zone (not saying hello or thank you to people, not making conversation). I did tell DH my issues with him and he agreed he was like that but ultimately, it’s his dad, and by all accounts he had changed quite a bit from the dad he grew up with.

Anyway, the funeral is coming up and I mentioned us finding childcare for DD. DH asked why we need childcare, as he assumed I wouldn’t be coming. I said no, I will be coming, and he immediately answered back “you couldn’t stand him when he was alive, I’m not sure why you’d pretend now he’s dead”. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I assume I am going but now feel really awkward, like I shouldn’t.

I should add this is very out of character for DH - we have a good marriage and very rarely have cross words.

AIBU to go?

now I understand why in some cultures, when relatives argue, they like to say "when I die, please don't come to my funeral'; or they would just casually let other relatives know, 'A kept saying B should never attend his funera'l.

dd is 4- he was a good grand dad.

at this funeral, those who loved him dearly, just want to celebrate his life and all the goodness they saw in him.

personally, if I was a relative and knew an in-law couldn't stand the deceased, I would be uncomfortable seeing them at my saddest. so, please don't go. it was nice of you to offer to go- and you should have said he was good grand dad and want to support you dh at the time you mentioned it, rather than it being thrown in with childcare which you acknowledge is not even an issue. that already showed something. why didn't you have a proper discussion?

team dh. team fil family- all of them inc your dd.

I've been to two funerals for people that I never met. I was there to support their spouse/parent, and they very much appreciated it.

But to explain to your DH, you're there because you want to support him, and because you recognise and are grateful for his father's love and attentiveness as a grandfather.

we have all been too many funerals of pp we never met or knew.

'being unable to stand someone when alive"?!

OP presumably doesn't live under a rock and is aware that other people choose to take children to funerals. That doesn't mean she needs to, and she wasn't seeking opinions or approval on her choices for her child.

I'd speak to your DH and say you'll go if he wants you there and you won't if he won't. Don't make a massive deal out of it though this isn't about you.

That isn't the question here

I'm sorry to say but he does have a point. He is being truthful as he is very upset.

Try not to take it personally as he's obviously completely out of sorts right now. Having said that, I also wouldn't let it fester and I'd gently try to resolve it. I'd just probably acknowledge that yes, we were very different people and we weren't close but that you valued him as someone who was important to DH and DD. That you'd like to attend the funeral as a mark of respect to DD's grandad and to support DH. That it's not true you "couldn't stand him" and you (presumably) wouldn't have been happy for him to look after DD if that had been the case. But I'd leave it in his court whether you attend or not and just do whatever he needs you to do to support him.

I agree. But it doesn't sound like OP's DH particularly wants this support right now.

I'd arrange childcare so that I was available to go if he changed his mind on the day

I think you’re in a difficult situation OP given your DH’s comment. He seems to have lashed out at you in his grief. I think you may be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I couldn't stand FIL - he was a nasty piece of work. Still went to his funeral. Partly to support DH (who couldn't stand him either, but still it was his dad) and MIL.

FIL was pretty horrible generally, but everyone has some good points, and it's those that we remember and celebrate at a funeral. He was an important figure in DH's childhood and contributed to his life. It's entirely reasonable to "pay your respects" to somebody like that at their funeral. In spite of our terrible relationship with FIL, there was never any question that DH and I would attend the funeral; it would have been bizarre (and very hurtful to MIL) if we'd even considered not going. People would literally have been asking why not.

1. it's a big step not to go to your FILs funeral - a major snub. People will notice and talk and you won't be able to tell them it's what DH wanted

2. in the future will DH throw it back in your face "you didn't even go to my father's funeral"?

I'm from a culture though where it would be unthinkable not to go to a family member's funeral. For any reason other than never wanting to be part of the family again

We’ve had a chat and he apologised if he was sharp, and said I caught him at a bad moment, which I completely understand. He does want me to come and so that’s what I’ll be doing. Thank you to everyone for your advice, even if you disagreed with me. I think we just needed to talk it through when feelings were a bit calmer.

I'd arrange the childcare and see how he feels right at the time. He could be pushing you away and he could also have made a clear decision. It's very complicated when you have a difficult relationship with someone who died. Your feelings can be totally unexpected. I couldn't stand my Dad who'd been out and out abusive but actually had more complex feelings than with anyone that died including being pretty angry. I'm a bit confused how bad FIL was. Was he nasty/ racist etc or just you two didn't get on?

My relationship with my FIL was similar. However my relationship with my husband, and with my MIL, both good enough that they deserve my support at a very hard time in their lives.

If his outburst was out of character, blame it on grief and ask him kindly, would he prefer your support on the day or how would he prefer to handle questions from anyone wondering why you aren't there?

He may well realise that your support on the day will be beneficial and can be based on love for those alive more than those deceased.

YANBU. Of course you should attend. DH is probably swatting at you because he knows you didn't really like his father and feels more hurt about it than usual. Tell him you had your differences but that you would like to pay your respects and support the family nonetheless.

This. I truly hope some members of my family aren’t hypocritical enough to attend my funeral, it would be a complete travesty.

As someone who has lost both parents. It sounds like you didnt like him, so maybe the 'support' you think you would be providing to your husband wouldn't be necessary what he needs. He might need the 'space' to mourn and grieve without someone around who clearly didnt like his Dad.

Let him grieve how he needs to grieve. It isnt about you.

This where the culture divide completely baffles me. Irish culture you bring children to funerals for closure to grieve and all research has highlighted how beneficial it is.

It would have broken my late mothers heart to not have her grandchildren at her send off.

I would discuss with your husband what he wants in a few days.