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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel slightly annoyed by SIL request

55 replies

Lucia212 · 29/07/2024 10:04

OH's sister, that's another whole story in itself I can straight up say now that No I don't like her and will avoid if I can for all the trouble she causes, it's just for OH and the kids I'll go to gatherings, events etc.

Anyway, the sister makes no effort whatsoever to visit or see us or arrange play dates for the kids, we always have to go to them. She's very much only interested if she can get something out of it/ benefits her in some way. Always on her terms and mostly OH goes by her plans which is annoying but says it's so the kids can spend time with their cousins.
She also nearly always palms the kids off to anyone she can.

Anyway she's asked since June whether we can babysit her 2 kids while her and BF go to some 'music festival thing' as she put it as she has noone else and it's near to where we live. I never answered Y/N bearing in mind her youngest is 6months and still breastfed and won't take a bottle! OH already agreed. I don't mind baby sitting, my boys would love to have their cousins over but it's the fact that for the whole 6months we've lived here she's come to see us once. And now it's convenient for her we should just help her out.
She's recently told OH it's fine she'll take kids with her now. Fine.
But I got a sneaky feeling she'll change her mind last minute.
And it's some big music festival all the stars, very popular less than an hour away from us and she didn't even think to invite us!!

I've got a BBQ invite anyway this weekend now so I won't have to make up any excuses so we'll go to that instead I'm not sure if bringing 3 kids and a baby along would be easy.

Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:

Wishimaywishimight · 29/07/2024 10:10

I can't say it would bother me to be honest. She asked so you could have said no, the fact your OH said 'yes' without consulting you is more of a problem.

So what if she changes her mind at the last minute? All you / OH have to say is "ah, we have plans already."

Also, why would she invite you if she had initially wanted you to mind her kids while she went? If the festival is near you, and you wanted to go, surely you would just have planned to go anyway?

I get that she doesn't visit you but I couldn't get annoyed about that, I'm not much of a visitor so I don't mind if people don't visit me!

redskydarknight · 29/07/2024 10:12

on the face of it, it's not clear why you're annoyed.

She asked if you would babysit; you had the option to say "No" but in fact DH said "yes", although she's now said she doesn't need you to babysit after all.

You openly say you don't like her, so I'm not sure why you feel she should go out of her way to organise visits to see you? It's not obligatory for cousins to meet up - reduce your visits to whatever suits you or don't bother at all. Coming to your house once in 6 months is perfectly fine (especially if she doesn't get on with you).

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/07/2024 10:12

No, I wouldn’t be annoyed.

Hoardasurass · 29/07/2024 10:13

Just refuse to have them you have other plans already, if your dh agrees to have them then he will have to miss the bbq to look after them.
Tbh a breastfed 6 month old is unlikely to settle for you or your dh with a bottle as it doesn't sound as though you or your dh have a good bond with the baby

TemuSpecialBuy · 29/07/2024 10:15

I’d be annoyed with her and your DH

I am a bit of a dick so….

I’d take myself (and maybe one child? if I was feeling nice) off for the weekend and leave my DH to cash the cheque he decided to unilaterally write…

mindutopia · 29/07/2024 10:16

No, I wouldn’t even think about this much. She asked if you might have the kids. It sounds like you didn’t really give a hearty yes. She’s now said it’s fine, she’ll bring the kids. So you are off the hook.

You don’t really get along and she hasn’t visited (great!) and hasn’t invited you to the festival (also great! because you don’t like each other). I assume you could get tickets if you wanted to go, unless tickets are hard to get (and then no wonder she didn’t invite you, never mind you were the potential childcare).

All sounds fine really. Enjoy your BBQ.

Maddy70 · 29/07/2024 10:23

Shes done nothing wrong. I see my other twice a year and we live 10 mins from each other we both lead busy lives. ..no pressure

You dont sound very nice tbh. Why would they invite you ? I wouldn't invite my brother. It wouldnt occur to me?

Kitkatcatflap · 29/07/2024 10:23

Sounds a little 'minimal effort but maximum take' person. Seriously, step back, you've tried. You have admitted you don't like her. Stop making the effort when it's not acknowledged nor reciprocated.

Going forward, let your DH arrange play dates and haul the kids over there. If your DH offers to babysit when you have said 'No', then he goes over and babysits, you have a night out/in.

If you suspect she will ask you to look after the kids at the last minute, again insist your DH goes over there to do it. There are always plenty of hands to help with the BBQ you are having at home.

BikesIHaveLost · 29/07/2024 10:25

You don’t like her, so why are you annoyed she doesn’t visit you more, or didn’t invite you to the music festival? If you wanted to go to the music festival and it’s nearby, why were you not going anyway? You didn’t need an invitation! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a request for babysitting, though your DH should have consulted you before agreeing.

maryberryslayers · 29/07/2024 10:32

Well if she does change her mind then OH can look after his nieces/nephews including the baby whilst you do your own thing.

MermaidMummy06 · 29/07/2024 10:32

I'd only be annoyed my OH accepted without asking. Just ensure your OH remembers the bbq, so if she comes back last minute he doesn't accept, forgetting about the bbq (my DH does this).

As for the lack of visits then asking for babysitting, some people will always look for others to babysit. It's not personal, just selfish. A friend used to do it at every opportunity & her poor MIL would constantly be asked for huge childcare favours & then friend would dodge her, even lying to avoid spending time with her. I had to make it clear I was not available for babysitting unless in dire straits (her DH included as he'd 'disappear').

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/07/2024 10:39

Your DH has offered to have her kids. That's nice of him.

I hope you have a nice break away from your DH while he is looking after them.

andfinallyhereweare · 29/07/2024 10:40

What’s there to be annoyed at? Nothings happened. Kindly, I think your dislike of her is clouding your judgement on this one. And she’s got a 6 month old you’ve only been there 6 months…may have been hard for her to travel to see you?

Hoppinggreen · 29/07/2024 10:42

Your DH agreed withut asking you so IF SIL changes her mind he can look after the kids (with a bit of help from you if you don't mind).
The other bits about visiting etc I wouldn't mind though

Runsyd · 29/07/2024 10:44

TemuSpecialBuy · 29/07/2024 10:15

I’d be annoyed with her and your DH

I am a bit of a dick so….

I’d take myself (and maybe one child? if I was feeling nice) off for the weekend and leave my DH to cash the cheque he decided to unilaterally write…

Edited

This. If he didn't bother to consult me first, my DH would find he was dealing with all the kids alone.

Original poster

Lucia212 · 29/07/2024 10:46

Yeah I think it's more selfish than anything.
She expects us to invite her along to any of our outings, days out, kids birthday ideas, holidays, asks all the details, gets funny if she's not invited ,yet when she goes to something she doesn't mention it until after she's been and only mentioned this one so we can babysit.
I didn't realise this festival was going on or we would have booked.
Just a bit cheeky I thought.
And I'm not going to bring a small baby to someone else's BBQ and expect others to look after.My family and friends don't know the kids. OH can babysit them if she changes her mind. 😂

OP posts:

Shan5474 · 29/07/2024 10:46

How are you going to feed the baby if they won’t take a bottle? That’s the bit I’d be concerned about. If your DH wants to look after the children then he can do it, I’d be annoyed at him for saying yes rather than SIL for asking

Original poster

Lucia212 · 29/07/2024 10:50

Maddy70 · 29/07/2024 10:23

Shes done nothing wrong. I see my other twice a year and we live 10 mins from each other we both lead busy lives. ..no pressure

You dont sound very nice tbh. Why would they invite you ? I wouldn't invite my brother. It wouldnt occur to me?

We see them often we just have to travel to them all of the time, before the baby , always, anytime. Too much effort for her to come to us I guess but on this occasion so she can get a babysitter.
Why would that make me sound not very nice that I dared have a problem with people who take all of the time. Oh dear.

OP posts:

justkeepswimmng · 29/07/2024 10:55

OP i think you sound harder work, so let me get this right she asked you to babysit with what seems like loads of notice and you wouldn't give her a straight yes or no answer.
Then your DH said yes but you've booked a BBQ.

And now your assuming she may last minute as you to watch them with no basis whatsoever for that assumption?

FuzzyStripes · 29/07/2024 10:56

It wouldn’t annoy me but I’m guessing there is more to it than just your post.

Some pregnant women and parents of young babies or children don’t like travelling so that might be behind the last two years (longer if she has a small age gap) or perhaps she finds it easier for people to come to her rather than worrying about her children causing damage or coming to harm elsewhere; she might also find it easier for naps and feeding if she is at home.

I think that if you don’t want to do something in future that you say no at the time.

SallyWD · 29/07/2024 11:09

I wouldn't be annoyed and I wouldn't expect my SIL to invite me along to such an event.
I'd be a little uncomfortable about looking after a breastfed baby. I'm not a baby person and struggled with my own!

SallyWD · 29/07/2024 11:10

Lucia212 · 29/07/2024 10:50

Show quote history

Well she might feel she's being nice by always hosting. Some people like to host, others like to visit people.

Kitkatcatflap · 29/07/2024 11:15

I replied upthread saying step back and let your DH take the lead. I think your update is relevant and perhaps should have been mentioned in the original post. That she wants to be invited everywhere and included in everything you arrange - of course that is annoying.

Again, stop telling her things. Why would you spend that much time with someone you don't like. If it's your DH spilling the beans on you plans then you need to have talk. Tell him how you feel. You don't need to fall out with her or go 'NC' but you can do things as family without them tagging along. Your DH can traipse over there with the kids for playdates etc. You may have to do kids/cousins birthdays. But if she is annoying you step back.

Shoes232 · 29/07/2024 11:15

You don’t like her so why do you want to do friend things with her? Your making a big deal of nothing.

Edingril · 29/07/2024 11:19

You have plans he can look after them if wants so no I would not be annoyed I would just say I am busy

It doesn't need to be a thing

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