To feel slightly annoyed by SIL request

[Lucia212]

OH's sister, that's another whole story in itself I can straight up say now that No I don't like her and will avoid if I can for all the trouble she causes, it's just for OH and the kids I'll go to gatherings, events etc.

Anyway, the sister makes no effort whatsoever to visit or see us or arrange play dates for the kids, we always have to go to them. She's very much only interested if she can get something out of it/ benefits her in some way. Always on her terms and mostly OH goes by her plans which is annoying but says it's so the kids can spend time with their cousins.
She also nearly always palms the kids off to anyone she can.

Anyway she's asked since June whether we can babysit her 2 kids while her and BF go to some 'music festival thing' as she put it as she has noone else and it's near to where we live. I never answered Y/N bearing in mind her youngest is 6months and still breastfed and won't take a bottle! OH already agreed. I don't mind baby sitting, my boys would love to have their cousins over but it's the fact that for the whole 6months we've lived here she's come to see us once. And now it's convenient for her we should just help her out.
She's recently told OH it's fine she'll take kids with her now. Fine.
But I got a sneaky feeling she'll change her mind last minute.
And it's some big music festival all the stars, very popular less than an hour away from us and she didn't even think to invite us!!

I've got a BBQ invite anyway this weekend now so I won't have to make up any excuses so we'll go to that instead I'm not sure if bringing 3 kids and a baby along would be easy.

Would you be annoyed?

I live pretty close to several family members and close friends. I never ever visit them unless there's a reason. e.g. DSis dogsits for a day maybe once a year.
I don't think that makes me awful. I do lots for them, far more than any one of them does for me, I just don't visit as logistically it's difficult. I'm a great host, regularly cook meals, hold BBQs or will bake a cake. I also have the space indoors and out for everyone to be comfortable.
The only one in this scenario I'd have a problem with is your DH. He can't offer up your services unilaterally. If DH did that I'd be busy doing... every time. I'd also be grateful someone you don't like isn't at my door every week.

It's on your DH
He said yes. He does the childminding. You go off and do whatever you have planned

What does 'NC' mean. Thanks.

I'd be more annoyed with the OH for agreeing to it before consulting you.

NC = No contact

LC = Low contact

I'd be annoyed that my DH agreed without discussion with me. Was he planning to do all the babysitting or rope you in for that ?

How is it going to work if the baby is BF and won't take a bottle? Surely that's a non-starter?

The other stuff, could get too worked up about especially has only been to see us once in past 6 months...she's got a tiny baby, travelling is not easy 🤷‍♀️...so cut her some slack on that.

She expects us to invite her along to any of our outings, days out, kids birthday ideas, holidays, asks all the details, gets funny if she's not invited

Why does she have these expectations? That's CF territory. Your DH needs to come down hard on that in my opinion. You're allowed to do stuff as a nuclear family without being manipulated and made to feel guilty.

If it was normal in your DHs family to always invite along cousins /adult siblings to family days out /events, that “family day out” didn’t mean just nuclear family but wider, then yes she would expect to be invited and dh would expect to tell her. That said, if that’s the family norm, it needs to work both ways so yes I’d be pissed off when she’s found something fun to do she only tells you about it to ask for childcare.

your problem does seem to be with dh though, you need to discuss with him that a) you don’t want him sharing your plans with his sister because you don’t always want to have to invite her to join and b) he can’t offer your free labour as childcare without checking with you first you are prepared to do it. (And call bullshit on the idea he would have happily been the one to do it all, it would take 2 of you to look after that many kids including a 6 month old, he might have got stuck in, you’d be doing it too).

and also be clear if she comes back to say she’s taking the baby but can you have the others, the answer is no, you now have plans.

So, you don't like her.
She asked you to babysit.
You didn't want to (but didn't say so)
She decided to take the baby with her to the festival instead.
You don't like her but you're annoyed that she didn't invite you to the festival. Even though you don't like her.
Yeah, YABU.

It wouldn't annoy me, especially as nothing has actually happened other than some conversation. You sound petty and are deliberately not adding context - I don't believe she expects to be invited when you and DH go to see a band together.

What relationship do you want with her? The kind where you see each other more, help each other out etc. or no relationship at all?

If you are doing the travelling to her, it's an obvious conclusion that she is doing the actual inviting. Not the vague "be great to see you..." type of non inviting, but the actual suggestions - is that the case?

If you want a relationship, you need to start being nicer and more proactive. If you don't want a relationship, that's fine, but keep these petty lists of offences away from DH - he is allowed a relationship with his sister.

@skippy67

Well that's not what the OP wrote but you crack on with your narrative 🤦‍♀️

I think a lot of this has to do with the context of what's been happening for a long time. It's tricky for anyone on the outside to understand why any one instance is super annoying for you. But I think most of us have people like you are describing in their life, so can get it.

All that being said, it's a shame to let the kids miss out on each other. It's not your kids or their kids fault that their parents are inconsiderate and self-centred. But that still doesn't clear up your resentment obviously. A very tricky one – I would probably just start laying down more stringent expectations of when you spend time together. Ask them over to your place – frequently – if they decline and ask instead for you to come to them, just decline also and ask another date for them to come to you. Stand firm, they are always in the wrong if they continue to always decline your invitations and you can't say you haven't tried.

You're complaining that she doesn't come to see you but you haven't invited her. You don't like her and that's fine but it's clear you don't want to spend time with her and wouldn't make her welcome.

It's a summary, but you're right. I forgot to mention the OP said she avoids spending time with the SiL "because of all the trouble she causes". Thanks for the heads up.😊

She insists on doing everything you're doing, but never comes to yours? Seems a bit of a contradiction. But MN is full of people complaining that they don't see enough of family members they can't stand.

SIL asked the DH to babysit.
DH agreed to said babysitting.

i.e. OP left out of the above equation.

Big difference that you've conveniently ignored.

But is he really expecting to babysit or in his mind is her expecting the OP to do it?

I think you need to read the OP again. Nowhere does it say the SiL asked the DH. It just says she asked.

Nah, I think you're just looking for reasons to be annoyed because you don't like her

I think people read a post and make up all kinds of narratives. I just tried to keep it brief-ish without having to explain myself in great detail. I get could have worded it a little better.
We are civil to eachother and I'm happy for the kids to hang out. It's just whenever she needs or more often wants something she pops up.
She asked if 'we' can have the kids, as in drop them to 'our' house then head on to the festival.
We've invited them lots of times, when we first moved in they came up even with very young baby. She didn't bother with our sons 4th birthday even though she kept bringing it up to her and my son that they'll come for the party and I made all the plans expecting them, she let us down because she didn't want to drive basically but made up some excuse.
I don't let things cloud my judgement just because I don't like her. I'm pretty mature about it. I just think she takes the piss and in order for OH and the kids to see more of his side of the family it's so 1-sided we have to make all of the effort or we probably wouldn't see them at all.
It's more the way she's gone about tmit.
She would never want the kids to play or have a sleep over at ours say, especially now that we have the space (her place is too small).because she'd have to drive them and she can't be bothered to do that.
I'd happily have maybe the older children for sleep over or babysit but we can't do all the leg work all of the time.
I've taken my DS1 up to them heavily pregnant so the boys can play, on my own and drove. She was even late for that and she lived closer.

You don't 'have' to travel to them all the time, presumably you could say 'why don't you come to us this weekend as we came to yours last time?' and if they say no then just say another time then! You don't always have to do what she wants. Your DH sounds a bit of a pushover to be honest.

OP you sound territorial and like you need interactions to be strictly on your terms. She sounds like someone who is probably like this with everyone, it is who she is. You can't change that, you can only change your response to it. Lighten up. Say no when you need to, move on and think about something else. It is taking up too much of your head space and causing a conflict between you and your partner who you would obviously prefer to defer to you on decisions, but they don't. I would say honestly 50% of this problem is you.

It's annoying when it seems a relationship is one-sided and one party does all the running.
But it sounds as though your DH is keen to facilitate a relationship between the cousins and has agreed to babysit for that weekend. So you would be unreasonable to refuse or make plans that would make that impossible. If he's agreed expecting you to do all the babysitting then that's an issue with him rather than an issue with your SIL.

If you don't want to hear that YTA then don't post in AIBU.
You came here hoping everyone would agree with you. Personally I wouldn't ask someone to sit my breastfed baby, but apart from that (which is a her thing not a you thing) I don't see the issue. Her brother wants to encourage the relationship, perhaps support your husband or discuss it with him?

You don’t like her. She probably knows that. Why would she invite you! She asked her brother to babysit, he agreed. If you’re mad it should be at him!