Friend's snide comments about number of children people have, is she being horrible or not?

[Ladyinpink11]

My friend constantly makes snide remarks about the number of children people have, as in, "oh gosh, they ONLY have one child", "Well noone said they had to have another one, why do they all need three", etc, (she has two kids herself). She makes these comments whilst she full well knows I would have loved to have more than one but couldn't due to secondary infertility (I'm very happy of course with what I have though and mega grateful!) AIBU to tell her that she's being incredibly bitchy or is this normal behaviour!? It would never occur to me to say these things or even think about the number of kids other people have!

So the only acceptable number of children in her mind is two? Ahe makes snide remarks about everybody who has 1 or 3+? She sounds insufferable.

Thats what I am thinking, she appears to think the only good number is 2. She's a very old friend of mine, we've been friends for decades, but her constant bitching is getting absolutely unbearable

Whatever feelings I may have about the number of children people have (or don't have), I would certainly hold my tongue around someone who I knew had fertility issues. Does she know about yours? Does she make other unkind remarks, for example about people's weight, appearance, class, etc?

She does know, I mentioned it a fair few times (I never elaborated on cause etc though), she seems to have absolutely no sensitivity sometimes. I think I need to have a serious conversation with her as she is being hurtful and stereotyping everybody!

So this friend KNOWS you have painful feelings about not being able to have a second, and she still thinks it's acceptable to make judgmental comments about how many kids others have, if it isn't the exact same number as her?

She isn't a friend, sorry. Ditch her.

I'm in your shoes, and I have friends with three, friends with none (who wanted kids), friends happily childfree, friends who have one and wanted two, friends who had two and wanted three... the whole range. And not once has anyone ever said something hurtful and judgmental, and tricky situations (like announcements to someone who is struggling to conceive) are handled with compassion, love and care.

I couldn't be friends with someone so small minded and bitchy. Surround yourself with nicer people!

She might just be an insensitive tw@t. I had someone say it was selfish just to have one when they knew I wasn't having any more. Whatever! It's just their opinion.

Thank you. Yes, I've got friends with all kinds of family setups as well, and everyone else is considerate with each others feelings. It seems only her who is being so narrow minded and insensitive.

@BriocheForBreakfast You're so right. I wish people would stop saying stuff like this! It's a ridiculous statement. I think I need to grow a thicker skin.

i think it depends on the context.

Pick her up on it. Maybe she's struggling with two and therefore wistful about the idea of having one, and baffled at the idea of having three on purpose. It might be her insecurity, basically.

Either way she needs to stop it because it's not fun to be around, especially with your infertility issues.

I don't think it's as simple as more children = harder, yes there are more meals to make etc but they also have lower expectations and entertain each other a bit.

Say for example we are talking about a mutual acquaintance and she says " well he's a typical only child, so spoilt, his mum round all the time etc" or if I say oh Alexandra is having a third child she'll be like " I wonder why she and all her sisters need three, and then not managing" stuff like that... basically invalidating everyone else's decision that might be different to hers. And especially hurtful as she knows about my struggles...

I would find it hard to be friends with someone who made those sorts of snide remarks about other people regardless of the subject matter.

The fact that she thinks 2 children is somehow the perfect number just makes her sound quite foolish and stupid.

Snide AND stupid? Not the friend for me!

Thank you so much. I totally agree with you, I wonder if she's insecure about something. Maybe she'd even like a third but can't? Or the options you were suggesting.... I'll definitely call her out on it next time she says anything like that. I need to stop pussyfooting around.

She sounds insensitive, but it could be that she doesn't feel bad about saying it in front of you because she knows you wanted to have two, so she thinks you might agree in theory? Bit of a stretch though and still not nice!

If she says anything like it again I would say something like 'well you know not everyone gets to choose how many children they have, you are very lucky you know'. Hopefully that will be enough to show that you don't agree and she is being insensitive, but if she carries on after that then I would definitely struggle to continue a friendship with someone being that inconsiderate!

You don't need a thicker skin, you need a kinder friend.

My sister used to be like that. Always wanted two children and then had two and was very sneery of those who had 1 or 3+.

Then she had an unplanned third baby and, magically, the “perfect number” has changed and she can’t understand why anyone would stop at two, or have a fourth.

People are weird.

I totally agree. If she wasn't such a long-standing friend I'd have ditched her over it, but we've literally been friends since we were 8 years old as been through life together, so I think I need to have a proper long conversation with her about her behaviour

Some people are either jealous or just like to criticise others
On the subject of how many children, my dad only wanted 2. He had come from a very large family in great poverty and wanted better for his children. There were 2 of us for 6 or 7 years, then another sister came along and then 7 years after that another one. It totally changed the dynamic. Overcrowded, my parents couldn't afford a bigger home and I was painfully aware that my friends who only had one sibling had a lot more materially. The biggest bummer of all imho was that once us older siblings were working,, we were the ones providing all the goodies for the younger ones that we never had.
I should probably have got over it 50 years on shouldn't I 🤣🤣

Oh my goodness!! 😂 That really made me chuckle. I am starting to think people do this to validate their choices!

Thanks for your kind reply. Well she mainly picks on only children (but also on more than two), so I am afraid she's just inconsiderate full stop 😔

You don’t need a thicker skin, you need better friends.

You’ve spent decades being friends with someone who is actively nasty and insensitive. Prolonging a friendship which is demeaning to you because it’s been there since you were eight isn’t a good reason. It’s a bad habit. But if you can have a proper discussion with her and be honest and address it then power to you - that’s a strong thing to do.

I think next time she does this, you should say quite quietly, "you do know we would have liked more children, but experienced secondary infertility?" and then just leave an awkward silence.

@Mostlycarbon I think this is exactly what I've got to do!! Thank you!

Alternatively with 3 or more you could try “you seem to get very exercised about the size of other people’s families, is there something about it that is painful for you? As your friend since third class - you sound jealous.”

It’s definitely more about her than you, or anyone else.