AIBU to continually feel let down by DP

[PeoniesGinandBags]

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years and do love him. However, I am constantly feeling let down by him and unimportant.

He has lots of problems with his family (crappy divorce and struggles with his teenage children) along with some legal problems I recently helped him sort out. I'm very much a "go to" person for him as he's all over the show. When we're together things are good but when we're not, it's like I cease to exist.

We don't live together and live about 2 hours from each other's houses. This means we typically just spend weekends together.

Today he's gone home at 6 after "feeling drained" and needing to get home to sort out his things for work tomorrow. I called 4 hours later to check he'd got back okay to be told "oh, I've just come out for a quick drink with friend. I'll ring you when I'm home".

So, tired, needing to get ready for work, but in the pub at 10 and still no call, so presumably still there.

He's got a friend staying with him at the moment who is having some problems in his marriage and I'm not convinced isn't cheating on his wife.

AIBU to be really pissed off about this?

You're good for the bad times but not good enough for the fun times? Doesn't sound great for you.

You say you love him but that's the bare minimum to consider a relationship. Does he help you, support you, make you feel great, bring out the best in you, make you happy?

No to all of the above really. I mean, I'm happy when I'm with him, we generally have a good time together, but when I'm not with him I have overwhelmingly crippling anxiety.

He doesn't help except for doing the odd job in my home to help. Like putting pictures up. He's not someone I feel I can rely on.

He doesn't make me feel great. I'm always telling him how great he is and building him up but he doesn't do this in return.

I cry at least every month because of his behaviour.

I wish I didn't even like him really.

Can I gently suggest that you both get rid of this man who is clearly not good for you - and get some counselling to work on your self esteem? You don’t need shitty men making you feel worse than you would do and using you as they please. I hope you seriously consider both of these things as life can be better but sometimes you need a hand from an outside professional person to look at things and change things for the better.

You aren't in a proper relationship with him. He's left to go out for a drink. You are his emotional support and useful for a shag. Do you go on holiday together, go on dates? It's the lying that's the issue. Is it really working for you?

You really can do better - move towards peace

It sounds like he's a horrible "partner to you, so rather than being pissed off with him because of this particular occasion, you should be thinking of it as yet another time where he's let you down. I know you say you feel anxious when you're not with him, but that is probably due to the insecurity you feel in the relationship.

It sounds as if you'd be much happier if you got rid of him, you don't deserve to be treated so poorly (no one does). From what you've told us, he really doesn't sound like a decent person, let alone partner. I'm sorry.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. When I put it down in black and white on the screen, I can see how ridiculous it is. And yes, my self esteem is just chronically low. I'm on anti depressants for anxiety and depression and have been with the CMHT for help with these.

I don't know why I cling on, pathetically grateful for any crumbs that come my way.

Your low self esteem is causing you to cling on. This relationship won't be doing that or your MH any good. You really need to finish it.

Someone who makes you cry at least once a month, isn't the one for you. For your own mental health, please let this man go.

Op, until you take the blinders off and finally admit to yourself that he doesn't give a shit, you will continue to bend over backwards for this idiot and cry every month. I genuinely don't know what else you need to know to admit that this man uses you.

And yes, my self esteem is just chronically low.

Yes, because you choose to stay with him. Nothing will change as long as you do.

Has anyone got any recommendations for reading/activities around self esteem? I know it's the root cause of this acceptance of generally shite behaviour. Any books? Programmes? Not a therapist as I'm already seeing the mental health nurse for my OCD and panic attacks....

I'm going to play devils advocate. He is with you all weekend, works all week. Maybe he just wants some time to see a friend now and then? Especially if the friend is wanting someone to talk to.

I'm currently reading this

I'd highly recommend reading up on co-dependency as your desire to help him and sort things out could well be that. I have had a tendency to stay in, at best, unhappy (and at worst, abusive) relationships because I always want to see the best in someone. I was with someone who made me feel like you've described (crying at least once a month if not more) for over 18 months. He finally called it off in October and it's been rough but I feel so free now.

He's an user, not a partner.

Dump him now, 3 years isn't very long. Cut your losses

hes definitely taking drugs and acts like having coke at the weekend isn’t a big deal… ah… this isn’t good is it?

God just dump his sorry ass

He sounds like an utter brain drain

He is not your partner, 'dear' or otherwise. He is using you - both for practical stuff and as a booty call.

You are worth more than that.

Reading? These classics would be a good start:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Thank you.

god I feel stupid. And a bit broken.

If you're stupid, I am too. I had one of these. Only reason I know!

Now stop saying things like that about yourself.

You're not stupid, you've recognised there's a problem and you're asking for support- read the books, look for the therapy and dump him

What @Shoxfordian said! You can do this 💐

Dump this loser and FAST. Run and don't look back. No more boosting his esteem to the detriment of your own. No more financial help to him. You'll be so much happier alone for a while.