How to get friendly with these people?

[JulyMume]

I’ve moved into a small community around 1.5 years ago. It’s really lovely and around 35 houses here. It’s all new build for context so everyone moved in 5 years before we did. They are all so friendly with each other - I’ve just been at the sink doing washing and saw elderly neighbour couple walking the dog and stopping to chat to the kids playing out (not my kids, the neighbours 2 doors down kids) Then another neighbour couple walking with another one. I just don’t know how to integrate with them.

I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I remember helping my older sister move in years ago into their homes and people knocking on the door and introducing themselves. No one did this. Everytime I saw people out I would introduce myself and say I moved in house number x. They seem okay but I can sense no one really has room for a new person. I introduced myself in the Facebook group and WhatsApp group but apart from one or 2 likes the message was ignored.

I feel a little sad not to be welcomed in. I take my kids on the development to scooter etc. but no one really bothers stopping when I say hi etc. I have messaged a few mums with kids same age and asked when they are free for a walk or coming over for tea but it’s always they are busy etc. even I am busy but if a new neighbour moved in I would and have in my past house made time to welcome them. I’m not looking to be best mates etc. just friendly neighbours that I actually know the name of!

That’s a difficult one as you can’t force friendships. But what exactly are you looking for? Just friendly neighbours (to say hi, or borrow tools….)? Or local friends (you said you have messaged a few mums), in this case are your children at school? I met my local friends in the playground, definitely the easiest way to make friends.

It's really lovely that you want to befriend them. Maybe take things a little more organically? Stop someone to give their dog a stroke, ask its name etc.

I know what you mean as at my old house, people proactively came round with wine etc when we moved in (which I was totally not used to!) At my new house it's the same as you describe, new builds but I'm 'resale' person. Dogs are my way in!

This is what stops me moving out of London tbh. People in small communities take ages to warm to newcomers and usually prefer to socialise only with people they have known since primary school.

You may find after a decade someone will give you the time of day at the shop and after 20 years you might get invited to a party. I can’t be fucked with this. Prefer the anonymity of a city where you are allowed a valid existence independent of where you went to school.

I guess if you hang on in there they will slowly come around but it will be a slow burn.

I’m happy with just being on friendly terms and developing into friendship if we get along but problem is I don’t even know these peoples names. They seem really arrogant and I find it hard to make small talk.

there’s one women only with kids in same school as me but she’s made it very clear she’s not interested. The other kids are in a different school to my children.

They are probably arrogant or just busy with their own life, it’s hard to tell. Are you « different » in any way? Arty vs classic middle class? Younger vs older?
About your children’s school, can you perhaps focus on knowing the parents there?

I had a note through my door a while ago which said they were new neighbours and were having wine and nibbles if anyone wanted to go. You could try that

@cupcaske123 I really like this idea

but when I first moved I posted on MN (under different usernane) and someone else suggested it but it was met with lots of people saying I would sound desperate. I have numbers of people now so I could just message them? Would I look desperate? What would I even talk to these people about -can I have ideas on topics pls

Absolutely not desperate at all. I thought it was a lovely idea and would have gone but had something else planned.

You could organise an afternoon BBQ if you have a garden. If not a load of wine and a few nibbles, just mooch around pouring wine, introduce yourself and make small talk eg how long have you been here, what do you do, children, things to do in the area, holidays, that kind of thing. Once the wine gets flowing you'll be fine.

I have numbers of people now so I could just message them?

How/why have you got their numbers?

Is there a local facebook page? You need to get into the circle of trust.

I had exactly the same when I moved in five years after everyone else on the estate. I didn't really notice at first as I worked full time and was pretty busy with kids. But when I was on maternity leave leave I realised they all knew each other and I didn't. I tried to make more effort but no luck. In lockdown they hosted a street party and forgot to invite us. But we went out anyway and said hello. We got to know them a bit better and the next street party we did get involved in. I know them all to say hello/ quick. CHat with but we are not friends. We have lived here 11 years now.

There’s a Facebook and WhatsApp group. WhatsApp is very active. They all are very chatty on there and I get involved too.

What can you offer to the rest of the community? Do you bake? Do you want to run a book group, do you have a craft that you could teach people like maybe wreath making at Christmas? Do you have a cool/useful thing you could offer to lend to people?

@Geneticsbunny thats good point actually but truthfully I just want to be on friendly terms with them and have our kids play together. I work full time so it’s very little time for hobbies. I just want to be civil and friendly.

mediated to include: I work 3 days but volunteer in a local
school 2 days. Some kids go to this school and thought might be a nice way to get to know the parents but they blank me when I see them at school

I find gardening in the front garden to be a great way to say hello to people.

It'll be a new build concrete jungle.

It was very similar in my area until someone set up a WI, aimed at younger women. This really broke the ice

What’s. WI?

Women's Institute

WI

We are due to get new neighbours very soon - l was thinking of hosting a bbq to welcome them to the area but am paranoid about being too full on and them thinking we will expect to be besties! Maybe l will just take them a bottle of wine round instead!

When i moved to my house in another part of the village i cleaned my car and ad people walked by i would stop and ask how they were, and make conversation , I now know my neighbours and we all look out for each other, hi just may not be enough.

That is the biggest generalisation of every small community I have ever read! And coming from 'That London' I'd assume you appreciate that not all Londoners are 'unfriendly' and 'look right through you' as lots of other mumsnetters seem to think too.
Utter codswallop! and I say that coming from a big city that moved into a small community myself.

Well I am obviously in the minority. I have heard of so many neighbours having huge fallings out, when they're getting too close for comfort. This can make living so close really awkward.

I have friends outside of the neighbours, and other than hi and a polite chat about the weather, I have no interest in anything further, certainly not a going to each others houses sort of scenario.
We are the youngest where we live though, so haven't probably got all that much in common. We just happen to live next to each other. Life is busy, maybe if you have a little extra time on your hands, or are are a bit lonely, it may be different.

On the gloomier side, it may simply be that your face doesn’t fit for whatever reason. I grew up in the country (not UK) so not unused to small communities, but had always lived in London and Oxford in England. I’m a socially confident person who makes friends easily, and I did all the things suggested on here (volunteered, ended up running the toddler group, joined things, had a child at a local pre-school, then primary, went to the pub, helped out at events, was generally friendly etc). Zilch, for eight years. I’m very ordinary, but I was unusual for there.

I made all my friends at work in the nearest city. Then we left the country.

That's a massive stereotype! I can assure you that people up north are farrrrrrrrrrrr friendlier than they are in London!