How to get friendly with these people?

[JulyMume]

I’ve moved into a small community around 1.5 years ago. It’s really lovely and around 35 houses here. It’s all new build for context so everyone moved in 5 years before we did. They are all so friendly with each other - I’ve just been at the sink doing washing and saw elderly neighbour couple walking the dog and stopping to chat to the kids playing out (not my kids, the neighbours 2 doors down kids) Then another neighbour couple walking with another one. I just don’t know how to integrate with them.

I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I remember helping my older sister move in years ago into their homes and people knocking on the door and introducing themselves. No one did this. Everytime I saw people out I would introduce myself and say I moved in house number x. They seem okay but I can sense no one really has room for a new person. I introduced myself in the Facebook group and WhatsApp group but apart from one or 2 likes the message was ignored.

I feel a little sad not to be welcomed in. I take my kids on the development to scooter etc. but no one really bothers stopping when I say hi etc. I have messaged a few mums with kids same age and asked when they are free for a walk or coming over for tea but it’s always they are busy etc. even I am busy but if a new neighbour moved in I would and have in my past house made time to welcome them. I’m not looking to be best mates etc. just friendly neighbours that I actually know the name of!

@ToniGreen I beg your pardon?! I live in a new build and have a beautiful, fertile garden with borders, plants, insects and trees like any other house! Just because my home is new, doesn't mean I can’t have a proper garden ffs!

Sounds tough op. May be look att work perhaps for chums. Nothing wrong with u do u work and they at home. If they have hD 5 Years together then they have well and truly bonded it seems

I second the front gardening idea - that's probably where I have most interactions with random people in the community, though I prefer the gardening!

I feel bad for you. But I also think surely there's a bigger reason you moved to the area other than to be friends with neighbours? Recentre priorities (of course you can come on here to say something on your mind though!) and make yourself so busy with house/kids/work that you actually do not have time to think about this situation. Become socially independent - you already volunteer - is there more volunteering options further afield? Food bank? Brownies? Can you enrol in a course that will further your career, online or in person?

Can you reconnect with old friends, engage with wider family, invite them over and set up routine social dinners?

I'm in a small village, but definitely do not feel that neighbours and local community is the reason I live here. I bought here to go long pretty country walks, have an affordable mortgage, and put up shelves without having to ask landlord.

If people are giving you the cold shoulder, absolutely do not entertain them. Simpering to any nastiness can be interpreted as weakness, and you are strong.

In addition, I think spending time outside of the area can be refreshing, or it becomes a fish bowl, and you're the fish. Get a tent/caravan and spend weekends camping with kids. Drive to beach on a weekday! It really helps not care!

Yep! Gardening, washing car, painting windows etc. I've gotten to know lots of people that way.

Hard isn't it op? We moved into our new house early last year, a relatively small estate of "new" builds (about 20 years old).

18 months on, I couldn't tell you most of our neighbours names - some I wouldn't even recognise if I saw them walking through the shopping centre! They're not cliquey as such, don't think they are actively snubbing us, just not really interested in saying hello or anything.

As far as I'm aware, we very much fit in, our children are the same age as most of the children in the road (too old to be going out to play though!), we've got a dog like about 75% of the estate. So I have no idea why it is the way it is

Whilst YANBU, it looks like the friendship groups have already been formed, which makes it harder. Groups can quickly become cliques. It takes time, and you have to let others set the pace.

Helping at the school is really good. Do the kids that you see in school with say hi to you when they see you around?
If the rest of the community are on such friendly terms then it implies that they have regular informal contact with each other like coffees and parties etc. There is no way you will become part of the community without either spending a long time slowly making connections with people until they let you in, or by making yourself vulnerable by offering something. Trust is only built by taking a risk.

@HauntedbyMagpies

That's a massive stereotype! I can assure you that people up north are farrrrrrrrrrrr friendlier than they are in London!

From one stereotype to another!

Fair enough there was a bit of stereotyping in my post but also a fair degree of truth. But I suppose what I am wondering is why you would bother putting yourself through trying to befriend people who don’t want to make friends? It seems a total waste of time and energy.

I made a couple of friends on my road when we moved in 3 years ago. If another new neighbour moved in, I would be polite and friendly, but wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to hang out - I don't have enough time for my established friends, so wouldn't be looking to make anymore just because someone happened to buy a house near mine.

Don't forget the people on your estate would have established their friendships pre-covid, which was a time when people were less insular. I think sadly the pandemic and lockdowns have changed the way people socialise. Also sometimes people have just reached their mental and emotional capacity for making new friends, and this may be the case here. The only way to know whether or not it was personal would be to see how another newcomer was treated. It could be something really random like the people you bought from may have been really popular, and no-one else can replace them in the neighbours minds.