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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dip out of the hen party if not the whole bridesmaid thing

38 replies

R2G · 14/04/2008 03:55

Quite pathetic!
Chief bridesmaid is a size 8 and bought a dress on a whim on her credit card when out with SIL as it was the style SIL wanted and the chief bridesmaid said it fits her like a glove.
Then informed the rest of us we had to go and buy our own dress as they were too much for the bride to get and we all had to search all over the country for the same dress as local shop had sold out.
The other bridesmaids are also all size 8 but hate how the dress cuts their figure. I am a 16 with a baby belly it is tight satin AND it was £400...had to buy our own even though I had given her the name of the seamstress who made all my bridesmaid dresses for £250 (it is my mum and dad paying for the wedding by the way).
Then hen party is a £200 4 night in Tenerife!! Felt I had to go as again the chief was sulking that she needed some sun, mu SIL really wanted to go as she has never been on a girly holiday but came round crying that she knew me and the others couldnt afford it. I didnt want to stress her out so said we cant really but if what you want to do we will follow suit...next day it was booked (on the chief's credit card again!) and we had £200 quid to pay let alone all the spends.
Just had a dress fitting and the diamante 3 inch shoes are digging into my bunion- plus all the diamante is catching on the dress pulling it and you cant walk!! Got told to put selotape on my shoes (they got bought for me again without even trying them on- yes I had offered many many times to get everyone together to try shoes so we didnt have the same scenario as the dress) and stop moaning. I insisted I couldnt walk in them and said shall we exchange them tomorrow. Got told to take them all back (without receiot as she threw it away) as it was me 'causing a problem so I can fix it'.
Never met the girl before it was my house, she was an hour late for the fitting anyway and then she just walked out without even saying bye.
Look like a fat satin sausage with bunion feet and cant be arsed being bossed around in Tenerife for a week by this girl. Not to mention she has ordered everyone we are dressing up as cats and to wear a pair of black f'ing knickers and stockings. When I said I may wear a skirt again she said 'if you want to be akward'

Raaaah! I'm being unreasonable arent I and its not my wedding and I should keep my chubby stressed out gob shut and get on the plane and then into that dress. Also none of them have babies and there won't be any chilling our just getting pissed in our fucking knickers. Sorry shall I just be quiet or make my excuses for the hen do, and change out of the tight bridesmaid dress and spanx knickers after the wedding meal? Or is even that being unreasonable?

OP posts:
UnderRated · 14/04/2008 04:21

Why are you being so awkward? Tsk. Why wouldn't anyone want to go out in their knickers?

I think I'd do the same as you btw

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 14/04/2008 06:10

Take the diamante shoes off, and run like the wind.

They sound like nut jobs.

posieflump · 14/04/2008 06:43

you poor poor thing!

eidsvold · 14/04/2008 06:45

i'm with bree - sounds like a total nightmare.

ON the other hand I would go to Tennerife and be as awkward as possible. BUT that is me too. You could opt out of activities - take your books along for hanging out at the pool - invent headache for the pussy cat night (sorry but fgs grown women and pussy cats seems absurd but that may just be me)

As to the reception - whatever makes you comfortable - all the pics taken of wedding party etc than no reason not to change out of dress and knicks after wedding meal.

posieflump · 14/04/2008 06:47

just say you can't afford it
take the dress back and cancel trip to Tenerife

Lowfat · 14/04/2008 07:01

OMG....YANBU

Your SIL acknowledges that it is too much for everyone but the chief, but has'nt riegned her in????

I agree, make your excuses, wish her a lovely time but explain it is too much money to go away when you have other 'life' priorities - such as your child!!

Also take dress back and apologise but say you would hate to ruin the day by falling over in the church - unless you want to end up on 'You've been framed' in 6 months! Offer to elp out on th day in some other way!

Chief sounds like a nightmare, poor you!

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2008 07:26

BRIDESMAIDZILLA

YANBU at all! That all sounds horrendous

BubbaAndBump · 14/04/2008 07:38

If you can afford it, go to Tenerife. Leave the outfit behind and use your pregnancy as an excuse to sit out on some of the 'activities' and ENJOY relaxing by th pool with time for yourself. Chief is being a pain - but I have a cunning longterm plan: chummy up to her to the extent that she wants you as her chief if anyone is crazy enough to marry her later on in life, then plan her hen-do to suit you! Revenge is sweeeeeeeeeeeet !

AbbeyA · 14/04/2008 07:49

YANBU -the chief bridesmaid sounds horrendous! I should go to Tenerife since you have paid for it and presumably would lose money if you cancelled.(I would cancel altogether if possible). However there is no need to do anything that you don't want to while you are there.
I would take the dress back and explain that it is nothing personal but having thought about it you would prefer not to be a bridesmaid. I have seen photos recently of a Wedding in satin type dresses where 2 of the bridesmaids look fantastic but the dress doesn't do anything at all for the third who has a much fuller figure. Could you use your baby as an excuse for not being a bridesmaid-or is a no children do?

amidaiwish · 14/04/2008 08:25

Bail out - fast.
Make an excuse re the hen weekend, say your dc is ill or something, and do not go. Alternatively, go, then say you think you "might be pregnant" not feeling well, don't want to drink much and then just chill out by the pool.

Def take the dress and shoes back. Say they don't fit and thanks for asking me to be bridesmaid but it really is too much for you at the moment.

If it is your SIL you've probably only been asked out of courtesy anyway.

Don't feel bad about any of it, just be selfish!

cestlavie · 14/04/2008 08:37

Who's getting married? SIL or the chief bridesmaid??!!

BouncingTurtle · 14/04/2008 08:42

CBM sounds a right prima donna. I would bail out of both being a BM and Hen holiday.
No-one should be expected to pay for their dresses unless they can choose them for themselves - you obviously haven't.
Go get yourself a fab outfit for the wedding to suit your figure and sod 'em.

sophiewd · 14/04/2008 08:43

Who is in control of the wedding?

amidaiwish · 14/04/2008 08:50

considering your parents are paying what do they think about all of this? and is SIL a complete wussy wet blanket? who is this CBM anyway?

wb · 14/04/2008 09:06

YANBU - and bridesmaids should not have to pay for their own dresses - unless they offer to do so, in which case they should be consulted about the style/price.

Run away, run away

chopchopbusybusy · 14/04/2008 09:14

£400 for a bridesmaid dressand more . If it were me I'd get out of both the wedding and the hen party - they both sound like events I'd rather miss.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/04/2008 09:14

There is NO obligation to be a bridesmaid. "Thank you very much, but I don't think that I can do that", along with some good wishes for the wedding, is a perfectly acceptable response.

The bride is a complete nutcase, and as the wedding approaches it will only get worse. Run away now!

MrsTittleMouse · 14/04/2008 09:16

And the bride pays for the bridesmaids' outfits.

WanderingTrolley · 14/04/2008 09:20

I was going to post exactly what SPB said.

I suspect Bridesmaidzilla of being a hideous control freak, who may be desperate to be married and is living through poor SIL.

You have spent £600 already - now add on shoes, spending money in Tenerife, cost of going to the wedding, present etc.

It's going to cost you at least a grand - is it worth it?

Get together with the normal other bridesmaids and take the bride out for a nice meal. Do not tell BMZ.

PatsyCline · 14/04/2008 09:37

Over £400 for a dress which you won't wear again and shoes which don't fit you?!! YANBU.

If the bride can't afford outfits for the bridesmaids then her answer should be not to have any/so many bridesmaids, rather than expect everyone to buy really expensive dresses on her command.

As for the holiday, the fashion for going away is fine for those that can afford it, but it's really bad manners for the Bride and Chief to bully everybody like this.

Regarding the dresses and the holiday, they are behaving like spoilt children and YANBU.

Patsy

waffletrees · 14/04/2008 10:08

My wedding dress only cost £400!!! (and it looked lovely)and I paid for my briedsmaid dresses. I think it is a cheek to ask you to pay for the dress - take it back. You will ENJOY the wedding more if you are not a bridesmaid.

Go to Tenerife and tell the spoilt brat - CBM - that you will wear what you want. No offence, but I think it sounds like she is going out of her way to make sure everyone looks crap and that she is the centre of attention. Only cancel Tenerife if you will get your money back.

krang · 14/04/2008 10:53

Personally I am fed up with the prevailing opinion that one should pander to the insane wishes of gibbering Bridezillas cos it's 'their day'.

Getting married does not give you a dispensation to be a silly bitch.

Tell them to get stuffed, you can't afford the holiday, you can't afford the dress, and as you are being so 'awkward' you are sure that everyone will have a much better time without you. Also as someone has mentioned, DCs being ill is great excuse...tell them all your kids are throwing up and have diarhoea and you'd just hate to pass it on to them on their hen night...

rookiemater · 14/04/2008 14:25

Can you back out of the hen do without losing money? If so do it now.

I have been away with someone like that, and believe me it will end up with paying monstrous amounts into never ending kitties so that she can drink expensive cocktails, and you will wander around looking like a complete tit in your hen outfit.

Wedding outfit sounds like a nightmare, but if you have paid for it already then do it with a forced smile. If there is the slightest chance you can get your money back on the dress, I think I'd be sending it back to and sod the bride. If she cares so little for your feelings or your budget to let her power mad chum walk all over her friends, then she doesn't deserve to have you at her wedding.

FromGirders · 14/04/2008 14:34

Was a BM myself last year (matron of honour actually as married for 12 years, but no, the others wanted to be bridesmaids, prob because it made them sound / feel younger).
A few months before the wedding was bad enough. The run up to the actual day was awful.
It will only get worse. Run away. Run for your life!

Rachmumoftwo · 14/04/2008 15:17

Take it all back, and get your seamstress to make you a dress in a simialr fabric that suits you better if you want to be bridesmaid. If you don't mind not being bridesmaid, run away as fast as your diamante shoes will carry you!

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