AIBU to dip out of the hen party if not the whole bridesmaid thing

[R2G]

Quite pathetic!
Chief bridesmaid is a size 8 and bought a dress on a whim on her credit card when out with SIL as it was the style SIL wanted and the chief bridesmaid said it fits her like a glove.
Then informed the rest of us we had to go and buy our own dress as they were too much for the bride to get and we all had to search all over the country for the same dress as local shop had sold out.
The other bridesmaids are also all size 8 but hate how the dress cuts their figure. I am a 16 with a baby belly it is tight satin AND it was £400...had to buy our own even though I had given her the name of the seamstress who made all my bridesmaid dresses for £250 (it is my mum and dad paying for the wedding by the way).
Then hen party is a £200 4 night in Tenerife!! Felt I had to go as again the chief was sulking that she needed some sun, mu SIL really wanted to go as she has never been on a girly holiday but came round crying that she knew me and the others couldnt afford it. I didnt want to stress her out so said we cant really but if what you want to do we will follow suit...next day it was booked (on the chief's credit card again!) and we had £200 quid to pay let alone all the spends.
Just had a dress fitting and the diamante 3 inch shoes are digging into my bunion- plus all the diamante is catching on the dress pulling it and you cant walk!! Got told to put selotape on my shoes (they got bought for me again without even trying them on- yes I had offered many many times to get everyone together to try shoes so we didnt have the same scenario as the dress) and stop moaning. I insisted I couldnt walk in them and said shall we exchange them tomorrow. Got told to take them all back (without receiot as she threw it away) as it was me 'causing a problem so I can fix it'.
Never met the girl before it was my house, she was an hour late for the fitting anyway and then she just walked out without even saying bye.
Look like a fat satin sausage with bunion feet and cant be arsed being bossed around in Tenerife for a week by this girl. Not to mention she has ordered everyone we are dressing up as cats and to wear a pair of black f'ing knickers and stockings. When I said I may wear a skirt again she said 'if you want to be akward'

Raaaah! I'm being unreasonable arent I and its not my wedding and I should keep my chubby stressed out gob shut and get on the plane and then into that dress. Also none of them have babies and there won't be any chilling our just getting pissed in our fucking knickers. Sorry shall I just be quiet or make my excuses for the hen do, and change out of the tight bridesmaid dress and spanx knickers after the wedding meal? Or is even that being unreasonable?

You're buying your own bridesmaid dress and spending hundreds of pounds on someone else's wedding. FFS. YANBU! The dress sounds minging, by the way. Can you not deal;directly with the bride over this, and not the chief bridesmaid bitch from hell?

Nightmare R2G nightmare.

Sounds like it has totally snowballed.

I would take SIL aside and explain that you realise this is HER day and the last thing you want to do is stress her out, but there is no way you are going to be bullied into wearing and outfit that does not suit you. Offer her options - son't make it sound like you're blackmailing her "It's bridezillamaid or me" type of stuff - just say you've thought about it long and hard and you'd prefer not to be involved with the bridesmaids thing if it means being so uncomfortable for the day - but how about you do a reading or something.

Then you can laugh at the bullying cow from the sidelines and feel VERY smug.

HTH - I'm getting married next month and I know how stressful all this is

and can I just add - my wedding dress is £450 and my bridesmaid's dress was £85 from BHS....

it DOESN'T have to cost a fortune!!

And I've just come back from Hen Weekend, which was a weekend in the Lakes, £40 each for 2 nights.

Ok it pissed it down all weekend but we had a great time

i simply say " i dont do hen parties"
and that is that

I bought my bridesmaids dresses, £100 each I had 2 adults. They arranged their own shoes, whatever they were comfortable with.

I had 4 nights in Tenerife for hen weekend, it cost just over £200 each, there were 10 of us in the end, everyone paid for themselves, but there were friends who couldn't afford to come or didn't want too, no problem, was an excuse to have a hen night in town too!

I would speak to SIL alone, tell her how you feel about the dress, sounds like this chief bridesmaid may be controlling her too!

Enjoy the weekend though, its great!!

My wedding dress was £325
I had a budget up up to about £1000, but that was the one I loved
I'm a cheap date

Thanks everyone it is so nice to know I am not being unreasonable!! As you can see from OP stayed up all night fretting (tend to do that right insomniac) and also e-mailed sis in law a timetable for the day. This was prompted by:
The photographer called last week to meet us but we havnt called him back yet what does he want do you think?

What time do you want us at your mums for make up (yes we have to pay for the make up too!!) Answer: Dunno what do yu think?

My mum was despairing as they have been moping around her house for months while they sit on the computer mooning around with favours and she minds my niece at the drop of a hat.

Anyway just to say my sister in law called me in the morning to thank me for the timetable and said it was so helpful and she just was rubbish at sorting everything out and was so glad i was a bridesmaid. She asked why was e-mail sent in middle of night and I started crying so she nipped round and I told her how uncomfortable I feel, how the spending is out of control etc...

We took the shoes back and got a normal black pairs for everyone, and she changed the rooms so I am in the room with her and assured me I would not be subjected to bein bossed around all holiday, and she called my mum and me to apologise for the chief. She knew that she was out of control and has said that is the end of it with this girl ruling the roost.

Yes, as you say it was definitely the chief's show to become the centre of attention and the dresses are all sexy and young figure hugging satin she couldnt stop staring at herself and ooohing and aahing in the mirror (get over yourself love!), she has a very petite figure and is a lot younger than me so I'm sure will look great in knickers and pussy cat ears too but I said to my SIL I was coming but just to let her know that I was definitely up for a laugh but not for being made to feel uncomfortable. She also said sorry about the dress and that there really is nothing can be done now but that I could change as soon as the wedding photos were done. She has offered to buy me a dress in the same colour as the others for the evening- I said not to bother.
The money is gone now, no family holiday for us but I think she is fully aware of the errors now so I'm just going to get on with it, and feel a lot better. But I will still look like a fat sausage!! Aaaah deep breaths, crippling shoes but it is my little bro saying his 'I dos' so I am going for the grin and bear it route....thanks everyone it has helped so much.

PS Husband came in to me trying to do 100 sit ups on a whim in my new swimsuit for Tenerife ...oh the shame Thanks everyone I just wasn't able to take the dress back and cancel the holiday it is what I felt like doing but I am happy with the compromise rather than cause a scene. What do you think?

It sounds like a reasonable compromise - as long as you are happy .

R2G, your future SIL sounds like a genuinely nice person, as do you. That was a nice thing of hers to go and change the shoes with you. I think getting you to pay to get your make up done is mean and I would say that either its paid for or I do it myself, but then I'm not good at compromise when it comes to spending my hard earned cash.

Trouble is both you and your future SIL sound like people pleasers i.e. she agreed to by the dress that the chief liked, then immediately changed her mind when you weren't happy. You sensibly don't want to go on a hen do to Tenerife wearing nowt but your knickers, but somehow have ended up spending your families summer holiday funds on it. Do you see what I mean ?

I think your future SIL needs to have proper words with this bridesmaid, maybe an email or something and try and nail down the itinery for the hen do. That way you can decide in advance what you are prepared to participate in and what you can bow out of , oh and also make sure not to get involved in ultra expensive nights out - which I'm sure she will have planned aplenty.

Anyway I'm sure you will look fab on holiday, curves are in this season don't you know, and try to chill out at Tenerife. The chief already knows that you are not at her beck and call, so play on this, have your nose stuck in a book all the time, bring an ipod so you can't hear her.

your sil sounds lovely and I think it was really nice of you to try so hard in the face of the Chief Bridesmaid from Hell!! Re the dress - obviously you are already considering the scary underwear possibility - would it help to make you feel more comfortable if you had a wrap or shawl as part of your outfit?

good compromise x

Well done for having a chat with yor SIL - she sounds lovely. Just try and ignore CBM in tenerife - she sounds like an attention seeker - so don't give her any attention.

Have a great holiday and a glass of champagne always eases the pain of a wedding.