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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset with my MIL after father passing away?

40 replies

Bubblegirly · 28/07/2024 17:22

My father passed away very unexpectedly and quite traumatically this week. I have also become very unwell myself and am in antibiotics. My DH is back at work tomorrow and I will be fine with the kids age 9 and 6 but I’m feeling really bad that all this holiday so far has just been visiting family while we are sorting things and they haven’t done much. My MIL has been texting DH saying please let me know if there is anything I can do etc. He today asked if she could pick up the kids at any point tomorrow for a couple of hours to break up thier day. She has come back saying no as she is having someone over for lunch.

this is typical of her and she wouldn’t look after my oldest years ago when my mum was in ICU as she had dinner plans (he was 1 and I just wanted to visit for an hour). DH is fuming but I’m just kinda Meh now as I’m so tired. Are we BU to expect this bit of help or even for her to have come back to say we could take the kids Tues or weds etc instead?

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 28/07/2024 17:23

People say they want to be told what they can do to help but really they don't want to be inconvenienced in any way. I'd just chalk it up as part of the usual low expectations to be had of some family members tbh.

Happygogoat · 28/07/2024 17:24

YANBU - she is just paying lip service and doesn’t seem to be proactively trying to help. I wouldn’t necessarily expect her to alter plans but you’re right to hope she might suggest an alternative day/time/week! There is no point pushing it though… If she can’t see it then it’s not help worth having. So sorry for your loss. X

AngharadM · 28/07/2024 17:26

Did he ask if she could do another day when she doesn't have a preexisting commitment?

Say the day after or any other day in the week?

ChristmasPostman · 28/07/2024 17:26

I mean, she actually offered help so I’d message back saying yes, having the kids for a couple of hours would be so helpful thank you, when can you manage it? Make her squirm if nothing else!

Middlepart · 28/07/2024 17:29

So sorry to hear about your father's sudden passing.

I would also be annoyed with MIL, but I wouldn't have expected any actual help after what happened when your mum was ill. Some people just like to say nice things like 'oh I'd love to help' without any real intention of following through. They think saying the words is enough.

Sunshineafterthehail · 28/07/2024 17:30

She offered to help. Remind her of that. Or it would be a grudge I held on to. When my dgm was in icu ils did naff all. When my dm was in having cancer surgery and dh was at work they never even offered me a lift there or back. Instead I took 2 dc under 3 by 2 buses..

MonsteraMama · 28/07/2024 17:32

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You really do find out who people actually are during times of difficulty and loss, don't you?

"Tell me if there's anything I can do to help. No not like that that's far too inconvenient".

Timeforabiscuit · 28/07/2024 17:33

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, and yes, you'd hope that family step up.

I would take this as a ringing reminder for your dh to provide support to you and his household, and remember this the next time his mum asks for help or care, his wife and children's wellbeing at a difficult time is currently lower than a lunch date.

You quite rightly have the read of her, but it's your dh who needs to understand what her actions reflect more broadly, and communicate that with her.

FrenchandSaunders · 28/07/2024 17:34

That’s so shit OP. I hate these empty “let me know what I can do” offers.

TinyYellow · 28/07/2024 17:35

Your DH is fuming because she didn’t want to cancel plans for lunch with a friend the day before it was due to happen just to ‘break up their day’?

That sounds like quite an extreme reaction.

An offer of help doesn’t mean ‘I will automatically be willing to let my friends down at the drop of a hat for no real reason’.

Would she be willing to have the children another day?

Livelovebehappy · 28/07/2024 18:00

Did you not go back to her checking if free Tues or Wed? Does it have to be tomorrow? I could understand if you had specific plans tomorrow and needed them, but to ask just to break up their day, I think it’s okay for it to be another day surely?

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 28/07/2024 18:02

She offered to help but surely no one would expect her to cancel plans for you to have a break?

I totally get needing a break. But couldn’t you just ask when she is free to have them for a bit?

PermanentTemporary · 28/07/2024 18:06

Yes I think this is rubbish. A traumatic bereavement like this is an enormous deal. I'm not surprised you can't summon the energy to feel angry at the moment.

I hope you find that there are people, sometimes quite unexpected ones, who will be real friends to you. Don't let your MIL's entirely-in-character uselessness put you off asking other people who had offered to help.

Justcallmebebes · 28/07/2024 18:09

I loathe, with a passion, people who say, "oh please, let me know if I can do anything to help". So you let them know of something they can do to really help and then they come up with a flaky reason as to why they can't help

Fuckers, all of them

Everydayimhuffling · 28/07/2024 18:11

I don't think YABU, but I do think that you need to ask for a day when she's free if you want that help. Yes, it would be better if she had offered another day, but you can't assume she'll never help if you haven't asked. One of you needs to reply to her and ask which day this week she would be free for a couple of hours. If she still says no, THEN I would be upset.

Maray1967 · 28/07/2024 18:15

MIL should have immediately offered to have them another day!! She was the one who offered help in the first place!

Ponderingwindow · 28/07/2024 18:18

Expecting her to be available at one specific time is unreasonable.

in the moment she should have thought to offer a different day, but it’s possible she wasn’t thinking quickly enough. Your DH should ask her again, but be less specific. Ask if she could take the kids to do something fun one day this week.

Crystalselfcare · 28/07/2024 18:18

TinyYellow · 28/07/2024 17:35

Your DH is fuming because she didn’t want to cancel plans for lunch with a friend the day before it was due to happen just to ‘break up their day’?

That sounds like quite an extreme reaction.

An offer of help doesn’t mean ‘I will automatically be willing to let my friends down at the drop of a hat for no real reason’.

Would she be willing to have the children another day?

I do agree with this. They are also your children, if it were me I’d reply back saying is there any way you could have them another day in the week? MIL might come back and say yes I can do x date and x date. Problem solved

Sorry for the loss of your dad xx

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 28/07/2024 18:20

Maray1967 · 28/07/2024 18:15

MIL should have immediately offered to have them another day!! She was the one who offered help in the first place!

Or maybe Ops husband should have asked about another day.Or instead of assuming she would be free tomorrow, he could have asked ‘is there any day this week you can take the kids for a few hours?’.

Rather than get annoyed that she won’t cancel plans with Friend at a days notice.

Original poster
Bubblegirly · 28/07/2024 19:18

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 28/07/2024 18:02

She offered to help but surely no one would expect her to cancel plans for you to have a break?

I totally get needing a break. But couldn’t you just ask when she is free to have them for a bit?

I don’t need a “break”. I am grieving and constantly breaking down. I have a chest infection and am feeling really poorly and breathless on top of bursting into tears and trying to console my mother and organise death certificates, plan a funeral and cancel pensions etc. I can’t see the wood through the trees and am no fun to be around. A couple of hours to let the kids have something fun was what I asked. Having someone over for lunch meant she could have taken them either morning or late afternoon to the park. First thing we have asked of her through this he’ll of a week!

OP posts:
FlamingoFloss · 28/07/2024 19:20

ChristmasPostman · 28/07/2024 17:26

I mean, she actually offered help so I’d message back saying yes, having the kids for a couple of hours would be so helpful thank you, when can you manage it? Make her squirm if nothing else!

This

Bearpawk · 28/07/2024 19:23

Well she did have plans tbf, I think 'fuming' is an overreaction.
I'd be saying thanks so much for the offer, that would be so helpful at this difficult time. When works for you?

Haitchfromsteps · 28/07/2024 19:32

Bearpawk · 28/07/2024 19:23

Well she did have plans tbf, I think 'fuming' is an overreaction.
I'd be saying thanks so much for the offer, that would be so helpful at this difficult time. When works for you?

Telling anyone during the week that their dad died that how they are feeling is an overreaction demosntartes an outstanding lack of empathy. Much like the MIL had demonstrated.

OP yes you’re right any decent person would have rearranged the plans and/or found a way to work around them or at the very least offered an alternate time.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you get help from somewhere x x x

IncessantNameChanger · 28/07/2024 19:32

Whatatodo79 · 28/07/2024 17:23

People say they want to be told what they can do to help but really they don't want to be inconvenienced in any way. I'd just chalk it up as part of the usual low expectations to be had of some family members tbh.

This is my experience too. The people who gush and offer the most are sometimes the least willing to do jack shit. I had a neighbour telling me she could pick up dd any time I needed to sort out the estate / funeral and she flat refused the only time I asked her. They are in same class, its a five minute drive.

I'd never ask her again. When i was ever late I'd just ask the office or get my older kids to walk down.

Likewise FIL is,always offering help with stuff but when I reflect he has never ever once done any of these,big gestures.

For these kind of people you just need to say "thanks but I know your busy". I think they enjoy getting your profuse thanks for something they have no intention of doing. A brief "we will cope" throws them

cadburyegg · 28/07/2024 19:39

That's crap op I am sorry.

My ex in laws were the same a few years ago when I had a miscarriage. Full of sadness and empty offers of help but they refused to babysit an asleep ds1 for 3 hours when I had to be rushed to hospital, and was told not to drive myself. I've never forgotten or forgiven it.

Sorry for your loss too Flowers

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