Upset with my MIL after father passing away?

[Bubblegirly]

My father passed away very unexpectedly and quite traumatically this week. I have also become very unwell myself and am in antibiotics. My DH is back at work tomorrow and I will be fine with the kids age 9 and 6 but I’m feeling really bad that all this holiday so far has just been visiting family while we are sorting things and they haven’t done much. My MIL has been texting DH saying please let me know if there is anything I can do etc. He today asked if she could pick up the kids at any point tomorrow for a couple of hours to break up thier day. She has come back saying no as she is having someone over for lunch.

this is typical of her and she wouldn’t look after my oldest years ago when my mum was in ICU as she had dinner plans (he was 1 and I just wanted to visit for an hour). DH is fuming but I’m just kinda Meh now as I’m so tired. Are we BU to expect this bit of help or even for her to have come back to say we could take the kids Tues or weds etc instead?

It was lunch with a friend not a medical appointment, unless the friend is on deaths door themselves or lives so so far away visits are rare then I think she should have cancelled for you.

I'm sorry she's been unsupportive, is there anyone else that can help?

im sorry for your loss..

your MIL did ask if she could help, but it doesnt mean she has to drop everything to help you.

perhaps reply back asking when would be a suitable time for her to take the kids?

She doesn’t sound very nice

I think she should have prioritised you in this situation. I’m sorry for your dad x

I sympathise OP. She could have rearranged the lunch, or at least offered another time.

Never been offered help, but once I asked my dad to look after my 11 month old baby so I could go to an appointment in London. It would have been 3-4 hours of childcare (including travel time for me to get from home to London, do the appointment and then back home).

The answer was “no, WE (him and stepmother) don’t look after grandchildren”. Bullshit as her grandchildren are there a lot.

A week later, I’d tried a few different options and DH couldn’t change his work meetings that day, so I pleaded with my dad and he still said no.

In the end, I booked a nanny through an agency. I took my baby on the train into London, met the nanny at the station, we caught a taxi together to the clinic, then I asked this nice stranger to walk around for an hour pushing DD in her pram and meet me back at the clinic. Thankfully she was lovely and helped me again the week after when I had a follow appointment.

Never forgotten or forgiven my dad for that. Our relationship suffered greatly.

This.

She didn’t even need to reschedule her plans, it’s lunch, an hour or two surely, she could have taken DC in the morning or afternoon.

She wants to feel good that she offered but can’t really be arsed to actually do anything helpful. Something to remember if she asks for a favour anytime soon.

DH must be worried about you, his anger is perfectly reasonable. Is there a friend who’d have them for a bit? It’s always a surprise who steps up and who lets you down in times of strife. I hope you find better people to help if you ask. And I’m so very sorry your dad died 💐💐💐

Your MIL sounds like one of those people that gets all the good feels from offering, but never ever follows through.

Undoubtedly she will be telling her friend over lunch about how she’s poised and ready, just waiting at the end of the phone to help, and will bask in the friend telling her how wonderful she is.

In future a more open ended response will make it more difficult for her to to squirm out of it - something like “thanks MIL, it’d be great if you could take the kids for a couple of hours, when suits you?”.

I agree.

Noooo. Some people will just respond with something that really doesn’t help. If you have to do this, it’s ’thank you so much for the offer: taking the kids out for a few hours would be a huge help, when would that work? They’d have to be back by 5 for dinner.’

otherwise they volunteer to sit and get you to run around and make tea and they can talk about their troubles or they take the kids out late so the parents have to deal with the fallout….

Thank you. Yes I have a friend who I know would take them tomorrow but my youngest doesn’t want to go to the funeral so I don’t want to ask to much from her as she said she will have him whenever it might be. I’m just going to dose myself up and go and do something nice with them, just us, and try and have a good day amidst all the grief x

Please ask your friend and let her know you’re okay with her saying no and would rather prioritise the funeral. She might be happy to. I’d help you! Sending strength to all of you, hope your antibiotics work quickly and you’re feeling better physically soon. Eat and drink enough, sleep when you can. Will hold you in my thoughts.

I’m really sorry for your loss, OP.

Your DH should ask his mum when she can have the children this week, and what days suit her next week. As long as she has some notice she really should be able to sort out helping with the children.

There’s no shame in parking kids in front of a movie or two when you need a break. Be kind to yourself and don’t push yourself to do more than is necessary just now.

I'm so sorry for your loss
I think you should let your friend take the kids out tomorrow, if you were my friend I would want to help you as much as I could, and she has offereded to have the kids tomorrow and one on the day of the funeral, you're not taking advantage, you're letting her support you.

Even though you're not surprised by how unhelpful your MIL is, it's still very hurtful.

My god, any normal person would drop lunch with a friend to help out in this situation. I'm so sorry for your loss OP x