Bf being selfish whilst I’m grieving

[Jellyfishy20]

My great grandmother died yesterday and I am estranged from my family and found out due to social media, I’ve felt betrayed and heartbroken since finding out the news and felt ignored by my boyfriend. I had plans to go out today with a friend and my boyfriend would go to his mums but I just feel drained and not up for it, so I told him I’m not going today and he has kicked off with me saying “I’m not babysitting you” and saying “you’re selfish” so I’ve got angry with him and told him I want to break up. He’s now on the phone slagging me off to his mum in the other room. I feel so lonely and disappointed, with not having family or barely any friends I expected him to be more caring. Am I being unreasonable for expecting more care?

I'm so sorry OP. Partners can show their true colours in these times. Your bloke has shown you what the rest of your lives will look like if you need some TLC. Send him to his mothers and bundle yourself under a blanket, get some snacks and put some easy watching on. A bereavement is a shock physically. Be kind to yourself.

Of course you're not. He's an arse who just showed you his true colours.

If he hasn't had a loss in his own life, he may not understand what you're feeling. But from your point of view, he's not a fully-functional human. YANBU. I'm sorry for your double loss - your GGM and the bf you thought you had.

I’m sorry you had to hear about your Great Grandmother this way OP, that must feel very hurtful.

Sometimes people don’t know how to handle grief in others and genuinely have no idea what to say or do to be supportive, especially if they have never had a bereavement in similar circumstances. Were you expecting your bf to cancel visiting his mum because you decided you didn’t want to go out?

I’m sorry for your loss. I once had a call about a parent having a serious accident (thankfully recovered but wasn’t clear they would at the start) and my boyfriend of the time managed to work himself up into tears thinking about when he’d lost a grandparent 18 years earlier!! No words of support or comfort for me just straight into thinking about himself. That was one of the moments I decided to break up with him and I suggest you do the same with your selfish man.

Please, OP, let us know you are breaking up with this man.

You need to mature before dating this is not healthy

selfishly yes I did want him to cancel visiting his mum as I just feel so low and alone, the thought of being in my flat all day long makes me feel helpless. He visits his mum every week and I know I shouldn’t make him cancel on her because of me but all I want is a bit of support. He will leave the room if I cry so he’s terrible with helping me with emotions and when a family friend died last year I was making such an effort. I don’t ask for much I just want to feel loved.

We have been dating for 3 years now (I’m 21 and he’s 23) I was in the care system and had just moved into my own flat and he was the first proper relationship I’ve had, I know I wasn’t mature enough for it but I love him and I don’t want to waste 3 years. He has support and a family who he can ask for advice and I don’t which makes things harder.

We have been together for 3 years, I don’t feel mentally strong enough to be all alone.

You may not want to waste 3 years but are you prepared to waste 4 or 5 or 6? He's shown you who he is so act accordingly. It's completely reasonable that he would stay at home with you while you're grieving. That's what a loving, caring boyfriend should do. I'm sorry for your loss.

far better to waste 3 years than the rest of your life. You are worth way more than this. Ditch this arse and find someone bettter

Thank you, deep down I know you’re right. Once I feel a bit mentally stronger I’m going to reevaluate our relationship.

But he’s just shown you that he’s NOT a good partner. You ARE alone.

this is him showing you what he really is, and it’s not good enough

you’re not wasting 3 years, don’t con yourself with that sunken cost fallacy, you’ve given him enough of your time already to develop his side of the relationship and at the first major hurdle he’s shown you that you don’t matter.

bin him. Seriously, get him gone this weekend.

were all here for you,

I meant to add - I'm really sorry for the loss of your great grandmother. Take good care of yourself, and don't take to heart anything your arse of a boyfriend says about you. A decent partner would be volunteering to stay home with you, not whining to his mum about you.

Sorry for your loss op.

Were you moved out of care into your own flat and then he joined you there? Is he on the tenancy? As pp's have said try not to think about time lost in the past. You need to save your future.

If you struggle with emotions normally aside from having learnt about your grandmother then see your GP and ask if there is any help you can access. Although you may have reason to be emotional at other times we can be more likely to struggle with them if we are not mentally and physically in good health and have no one to turn to for support.

Sweetheart, you're too young to be stuck in a relationship like this. Look how far you've come already, you're a strong woman.

People who have had your history will quite often put up with people in their lives who don’t treat them the way they deserve and don’t deserve a place in their lives because they don’t have the skills to see that being alone is better than being with an arsehole.

I know it feels that it’s better to have someone, anyone than noone or that telling yourself that well that person isn’t perfect but they aren’t as bad as… <insert person who hurt you before>

but as someone who is more than 20 years on from where you are now let me tell you don’t put up with crap just so you have someone. You have already had so many years taken from you by other people don’t let others take more.

get some therapy and build a life that only has positive people who treat you well in it.

to add my best friend has not long gone through similar to you. Finding out her sibling had died from cancer through external sources because she can’t be in touch with her family. It’s a unique kind of pain and I’m sorry you have to feel it.

I don’t think it’s selfish of you to want to feel loved and cared for when you’re upset, that is completely normal. But it does sound like you need a lot of emotional support and that can be too expect from one person, especially a fairly immature 23 year old bloke. Unlike everyone else, I don’t think he is automatically a terrible person. He probably didn’t like the idea of being sad and helpless in the flat all day either. It probably would have been good for you to get some support from your friend and to have allowed him to have some time with his family so that he could be kind and supportive when he got home, but it’s done now. You need to think about what might help you feel mentally stronger and do that.

Sorry for your loss OP. When you’re over the initial shock and grief, you do need to work on building yourself up as a single person before you get into another relationship. Nurture your friendships and self esteem first.

Make him an ex. What a bastard. So sorry for your loss.
Do you have any friends/kind colleagues you can lean on? My family were hopeless when my gran died but I found great confort in my friends and church.

Most people don't end up with the people they date at 18. End it anyway, however you feel, and stay single until you DO feel mentally strong enough - because you will become so, if you actually do it. Only then will you be ready for a healthy relationship where you're with someone because you want to be and not because you have to be. You won't have wasted three years at all if they teach you that vital lesson.

A lot of kids who've been in care settle for crappy relationships because they feel lonely and unsupported and all the rest - and often because they haven't been taught to think they deserve any better. Don't fall into that trap.

You can and will do better.

Let him go to Mum's as usual, make sure he packs before he leaves as he doesn't need to come back - ever.

Go to the doctor tomorrow, and talk. get referrals for your mental health.

In the meantime there are support people online and by phone that you can have today - to talk over your grief and the history of your family estrangement.

You're so young;you have years to settle down with someone;you're staying with an arsehole devoid of any emotional intelligence through fear of loneliness but you're already lonely in a relationship and that's a major red flag.

Don't rely on others for your happiness;have you had any counselling?;I can imagine with being raised in the care system you have rejection sensitivity and this is stopping you ending this relationship.

He's not going to change;do you want to end up married to a man like this?;can you imagine what a shitty father he'd make?

He doesn't give two hoots about you or your wellbeing. Staying in the relationship won't give you the opportunity to become mentally stronger because he will expect you to prioritise his wishes over your needs.

You deserve to be in a relastionship in which you receive the same level of care and support that you offer. You need to end this relationship and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who will love you, not use you.

Please start planning today how you are going to kick this loser out of your flat.