Comparison is the thief of joy

[Penel0pepitst0p]

SIL and I have 2.5 year olds that were born a week apart. My DD is struggling to meet developmental milestones, particularly her speech, which we are paying for private SALT sessions to help with. She barely says 5 words and as a result can be very frustrated and hard work.

My DN is very bright and articulate, and I love her very much, however it absolutely breaks me when my SIL posts daily videos to the family chat of the newest song/word/things she’s learned. I already know that IABU as it’s not my SIL or DN’s fault that my DD is struggling, and her achievements shouldn’t be diminished just because of my DD, but wow comparison really is the thief of joy.

I’m finding family gatherings hard too as my SIL will get DN to show everyone the latest thing she has learned, and rightly so as she must be very proud of her, meanwhile I cry most evenings as I just want to hear my DD call me mummy. Any advice on how I can stop this jealousy and bitterness as I’m feeling like a shitty person and auntie.

All children reach these milestones when they are ready not when we think they should. Your DD will get there in her own time and you have all of them to look forward to. I know it’s easy to say but try not to compare them and just be happy for your DN. Could it also be a jealousy thing because you think your DN is getting more attention?

Would some baby signing be helpful with your daughter in the meantime? It might help her communicate and reduce her frustration. Babies have a cognitive understanding of words and can make signs before they can form th words. My DS was a prolific signer and “mummy” was the first thing he signed! I know she’s a little older but I suspect the principles are the same.

Ah, this must be tough OP. Could you mute the group chat for a while so it isn’t a daily reminder for you?

I don't believe comparison is the thief of joy.

How do we know Usain Bolt is fast? Because everyone else is slower. We make sense of the world and gauge standards by comparison.

Having said that your DD is only very little - there is enough time for her to catch up.

I'd imagine everyone else is bored on the family whatsapp by the daily videos of her dd. That's excessive. When my sister did that i used to leave it just long enough for he rto think I'd watched it and just say cute and delete it- I many others do too
😉

Having someone post their kid everyday on the family chat would drive me mad, and for that alone I would mute it and maybe take a look every couple of weeks.
If something actually important is happening someone will message you separately and say - did you see the thing on the grp chat about x,y,z??

They are so young and just because your little one isn’t speaking much at 2.5 doesn’t mean much. My two were late talkers and both left school with all top grades. By school age most have caught up. That said I can understand why it upsets you but all kids are different and development is so varied at this age.

‘don't believe comparison is the thief of joy.’

oh it absolutely is!

If you let it be...if you want what others have you'll be miserable. It's a matter for you.

Just mute her a bit. She is not being very sensitive is she?

This is painful, I've experienced it myself with my older son. I'd do what you need to cope, mute the chat even if just temporarily, protect yourself (I'm sure it's not coming from a place of trying to hurt you, maybe just overexcitement but it doesn't change how it makes you feel). Sending love, keep on keeping on with your daughter, you're doing brilliantly but you're only human ❤️

I understand you OP. Can you mute the group a bit?

Upward comparison is the thief of joy.
Downward comparison can bring perspective.

You sound lovely OP and I really feel for you.

I do think SiL is being a little thoughtless but we can only manage our own feelings and reactions, not others behaviour. Is there some way you could manage this to help yourself ?

I feel for you OP and I get it. While SIL isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’ per se, she is insensitive and lacking in self awareness if she knows you are concerned and struggling.

I’ve had similar with one of my DC who really struggled with reading and writing (turns out caused by significant dyslexia). NCT friends were constantly crowing about their kids incredible academic abilities from Reception and while of course they should be proud it really was a thief of joy.

Your DD is very young and there’s every chance she’ll catch up to DN in her own time hard as it is to imagine now, but I do get it. Maybe mute the group for a bit so it’s not popping up every day.

There is an app called Cluster that you can share photos and videos on (I'm sure there are plenty of others too). Tell her that your WhatsApp is getting full and can you swap to using cluster for photos and videos and keep the group chat for text messages. That way you can choose if and when to view the videos and still keep up with any family messages in the group chat. She can continue to post regularly but it won't be quite as in your face

If your child does have developmental delays, making comparisons like this will really drag you down. Try to focus on what your child DOES achieve - keep a journal for yourself maybe? Every child makes progress, albeit more slowly, so you should try to celebrate your child's achievements.

I'd hate to have daily updates on my niece regardless- can you step away from them? Just check in every so often? Add your own?

Firstly I think someone needs a quiet word with your SIL - at the very least she can post her updates to a separate group if she really needs to. It’s amazing how competitive some mums get with walking and talking progress when no one in later life can tell when kids started to do either. In our circle of babies the latest walker now does dance A level for instance and DH was a late talker and no one is guessing that now.

In the meantime I would second baby signing - it’s a long time ago now for us but we used a programme called ‘sing and sign’ and DD loved watching it and had a huge library of signs compared to the words she had. Really useful ones like home/ all gone/ please/ thankyou/ eat/ drink . As her speech came on the signs fell away but very sweetly she was still signing sorry as she said it fit a couple of years.

As others have said, mute the chat thing. You're not obliged to watch it. What the eye can't see the heart won't grieve over. That emotional energy you're wasting on sil and niece, is better spent on your own little family. Focus on your little one. She will catch up.

My H has a grandson & granddaughter, born within days of each other. The GS talked from a very early age, the GD didn’t. A decade on the GS rarely speaks, but the GD never shuts up. The GD walked from a very early age, the GS didn’t. Everyone expected GS to be tall, he’s quite short. No one expected the GD to be tall, yet she towers over most people.

I know that this won’t help you OP, but it’s just the way that it is. My S has spent a lifetime sending me pix & videos of her GK, the occasional one’s cute, but it bores me to death most of the time & I barely glance at them.

I agree with those posters assuring you that your DD will get there in her own time and acknowledging how tough this must be for you in the meantime.

I will also add, perhaps more controversially, that the way DN's parents are broadcasting her achievements sounds insufferable. Yes, lovely and natural to be happy and proud of your child's development and I know family often love these sorts of updates too, but this sounds like it's taken to a tedious extreme. I wonder whether it will be good for DN in the long-term as she seems to be used as a showing-off tool for her parents (daily updates?! Really?

Perhaps I'm too cynical but my eyes are rollling.

Thank you all for being so lovely 💐

I’m feel like I’m being a shitty mum to my DD for not just appreciating who and what she is, and then a shitty person for being jealous of a 2.5 year old who is doing brilliantly.

I don’t think SIL is being thoughtless as she probably doesn’t know the extent of my concerns about DD, and she just says that she’ll catch up.

Like people have said I need to just concentrate on my own actions and behaviour as that’s all I can control, but I really appreciate all your lovely messages.

Interesting you say this as my SIL is trying to be a ‘mum influencer’ on TikTok which is a whole other story 🤣

Your title is perfect OP, as the mum of kids in their 20's I have experienced this from both my 2 overbearing SiL's. My boys have always been compared unfairly by them. I'm now looking at 2 happy young men who are happy, kind and treat me and their dad with respect, they have achieved academically better than predicted my youngest also had SLT and at school was consistently on the 'bottom' table. All children achieve in their own time and follow their own interests despite us, as long as they are nurtured, given boundaries and loved. Laugh at your SiL and just concentrate on your amazing daughter.

Echoing what other people have said to just try and focus on your own child as they catch up in their own time.

My 1sr DD couldn't even say mummy at 2.5 years old whereas my 2nd DD could speak full sentences before 2years! I didn't do anything different in the way I brought them up and they've reached different milestones at different times.

I would have given anything to have a SIL with a child a similar age to spend time with and for my 1st child to grow up with so try and appreciate what you have x

Totally understand how you feel - both mine were late developers on the speech department (I too had speech delay). They were early crawlers and walkers (4m and 8m) so moving was clearly where their brain was at, not talking. We’re all on the spectrum which is a contributory factor for us, however, by the time my DS was 10 he has a spelling vocab/reading age of 15, he is currently on for 9x 7-9s at GCSE and is about to start 4 A Levels with a view to studying medicine. DD similar, but has 10GCSEs (7-9s) and hoping to go to uni to do a MArt in animation. Kids really do develop at different rates and, sometimes, benefit from a little help along the way from SALT/Physio therapy etc

I do, however, feel that we need to stop hyping up children’s pretty normative and very varied developmental achievements on SM etc - by the age of ten, they can all walk, read, go to the loo unaided, sleep through the night in their own beds/without pull-ups. And they’ve all been doing it - in their own time - since evolution began.

I remember parents bragging that their child was reading at 4 etc. They may have been, but all the research shows this has eff all correlation with intellect or later academic achievement. They were just ready to acquire this skill, to make this cognitive developmental step earlier than others. It speaks not at all to personality, resilience or emotional well-being which are equally (perhaps more) important - after all we don’t list the age we walked, talked and used the potty on our CVs, do we? It means bugger all.

Your child will get there too, and shine when she’s ready.

Well that explains it. This sort of thing is so artificial and creates a pressure on both parents and the kid to seem perfect all the time. My theory is that it actually creates distance in families rather than genuine closeness because it gives the impression of intimacy but on this false basis that can only emphasise positives and progress all the time.

I don't mean to be cynical about your DN herself who I'm sure is lovely.

And I'm sorry you're having to deal with this as comparison is inevitable when it's being sort of thrust in your face!