Comparison is the thief of joy

30 replies

Penel0pepitst0p · 28/07/2024 08:51

SIL and I have 2.5 year olds that were born a week apart. My DD is struggling to meet developmental milestones, particularly her speech, which we are paying for private SALT sessions to help with. She barely says 5 words and as a result can be very frustrated and hard work.

My DN is very bright and articulate, and I love her very much, however it absolutely breaks me when my SIL posts daily videos to the family chat of the newest song/word/things she’s learned. I already know that IABU as it’s not my SIL or DN’s fault that my DD is struggling, and her achievements shouldn’t be diminished just because of my DD, but wow comparison really is the thief of joy.

I’m finding family gatherings hard too as my SIL will get DN to show everyone the latest thing she has learned, and rightly so as she must be very proud of her, meanwhile I cry most evenings as I just want to hear my DD call me mummy. Any advice on how I can stop this jealousy and bitterness as I’m feeling like a shitty person and auntie.

OP posts:

Dreamerinme · 28/07/2024 10:23

My DS was a bit late in speaking but by the time he was 2yrs 10months his speech just exploded, but I was so worried I referred him for speech therapy at 22 months. What I remember most is a couple of women who had DC the same age who relentlessly boasted about how far advanced their speech was. It was thoughtless given how they knew how worried I was, but their DC had other things that they worried about so I think it was their way of covering up these issues and drawing attention to their very good speech for their age.

Your SIL has the sensitivity of a brick, and tbh who really wants to get daily videos wittering on about how amazing her DD is? Her DD is the centre of her world but not anyone else's. Mute the videos or just don’t even play them. Focus on your DD, read and sing with her loads and she will catch up.

Remember the saying that by the time they start Reception the teacher won’t be able to tell who walked first, potty trained earliest, spoke early and well etc - they all pretty much even out by then and doing something early is no sign of some sort of advanced intelligence.

Original poster

Penel0pepitst0p · 28/07/2024 11:06

CautiousLurker · 28/07/2024 10:13

Totally understand how you feel - both mine were late developers on the speech department (I too had speech delay). They were early crawlers and walkers (4m and 8m) so moving was clearly where their brain was at, not talking. We’re all on the spectrum which is a contributory factor for us, however, by the time my DS was 10 he has a spelling vocab/reading age of 15, he is currently on for 9x 7-9s at GCSE and is about to start 4 A Levels with a view to studying medicine. DD similar, but has 10GCSEs (7-9s) and hoping to go to uni to do a MArt in animation. Kids really do develop at different rates and, sometimes, benefit from a little help along the way from SALT/Physio therapy etc

I do, however, feel that we need to stop hyping up children’s pretty normative and very varied developmental achievements on SM etc - by the age of ten, they can all walk, read, go to the loo unaided, sleep through the night in their own beds/without pull-ups. And they’ve all been doing it - in their own time - since evolution began.

I remember parents bragging that their child was reading at 4 etc. They may have been, but all the research shows this has eff all correlation with intellect or later academic achievement. They were just ready to acquire this skill, to make this cognitive developmental step earlier than others. It speaks not at all to personality, resilience or emotional well-being which are equally (perhaps more) important - after all we don’t list the age we walked, talked and used the potty on our CVs, do we? It means bugger all.

Your child will get there too, and shine when she’s ready.

I had a little cry reading this. Thank you 💕

OP posts:

CautiousLurker · 28/07/2024 11:54

@Penel0pepitst0p you’re welcome.

Have spent much of my time as a parent worrying and comparing - it’s often only in hindsight that you discover there was no need. Your SiL sounds like a nightmare by the way - I’d just avoid and have the ‘children develop at different rates and I have no concerns that my DD will flourish in her own time. It’s not a competition, is it?’ speech learned to recite and change the subject.

Shaketherombooga · 28/07/2024 11:59

Polarnight · 28/07/2024 09:13

If you let it be...if you want what others have you'll be miserable. It's a matter for you.

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You’re exactly proving the point of the quotation! DON’T compare and let it get to you. Dur.

Strugglebus86 · 28/07/2024 14:07

My daughter and nephew were born 3 days apart.
My daughter walked at 8m, her cousin was nearer 18m, she spoke in full sentences at 2 and was academic absolutely amazing (sounds braggy but I didn't nothing in particular), her cousin didn't really talk until 3+

They're 5 now and my daughter is WAY behind her cousin in gross motor skills - he can ride a bike no stabilisers, his climbing skills are amazing, he plays football like I've seen no other 5 year old! His speech is now fine and he's doing absolutely fine at school. I can't help but compare her to him and as sporty parents feel a twinge of jealousy.

....her times tables are better but I think I'd just rather she could run in a straight line, I do think it's natural to compare no matter how we try not to, cut yourself some slack but also I'd doubt your SIL is meaning to make you feel awful

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