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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep the baby

49 replies

WhatToDo888 · 27/07/2024 15:26

I've name changed for this.
I have 3DC - 10, 8, 6. Live in a 4 bed house. Husband earns a decent salary, I work PT and we have a nice life. Just found out I'm pregnant. We are both 42 will be 43 when baby is due. We are shocked. DH would rather terminate the pregnancy but will support me if I decide to keep the baby.

I always wanted 4DC but over the last few years have started to feel content with 3. DC1 has ASD, not severe and is thriving in mainstream school but does need some additional support, especially emotionally.

My head tells me that we have a nice life now and that we're out of the baby years and enjoying life. My heart tells me that another baby would be a lovely addition.

I'm worried about setting us back, the extra financial burden, our ages, the impact on the other DC. On the other hand I love being a Mum and 2 of the DC are always asking for another baby!

This was a total surprise as I'm on the pill! I have a telephone appointment for a termination next week. I feel sick every time I think about it, but also feel sick thinking about having a 4th baby at 43.

Just wanted other people's experience if they've been in this situation and decided to keep the baby or not, or if you were a child with older parents, or if you're a midwife, health professional and have experience of working with older parents.

I feel completely torn and still in shock - please be kind!

I don't have many people I can talk to about this in real life as my three closest friends are having/have had problems with fertility and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my predicament when they would do anything to be pregnant/ have a baby.

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 27/07/2024 15:32

I had a ds at 43 2 with a 6 year gap. Planned and no regrets at all. Ds is adored. And I have more than 4.. Going from 3 to 4 was much easier than 2 to 3...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/07/2024 15:32

I think if you’re feeling sick just thinking about it. Then that’s your mind and body letting you know that you will regret it if you go through with the termination. It’s not something you can take back. Reading between the lines you seem personally seem quite happy about the pregnancy.

AmyandPhilipfan · 27/07/2024 15:37

If it was a hypothetical baby id say probably stick with what you've got. But this pregnancy already exists and you've got a decent life to bring it into so in your shoes I would probably go ahead with it.

I know someone who terminated their fourth baby when their three children were similar ages. She says she doesn't regret it but she talks about it quite a lot and I think she does wonder 'what if' fairly regularly.

Undertherainbow00 · 27/07/2024 15:39

Listen to your heart - strangers on the internet will all have differing opinions. You know deep down what you want to do… I was at the other end of the age scale when I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly whilst on the pill. I found out quite late and was about to be wheeled in to the operating theatre when I jumped off. Deep down I knew I was going to keep my pregnancy but I needed to go through the motions.

Mexicola · 27/07/2024 15:39

AmyandPhilipfan · 27/07/2024 15:37

If it was a hypothetical baby id say probably stick with what you've got. But this pregnancy already exists and you've got a decent life to bring it into so in your shoes I would probably go ahead with it.

I know someone who terminated their fourth baby when their three children were similar ages. She says she doesn't regret it but she talks about it quite a lot and I think she does wonder 'what if' fairly regularly.

This

AWholeNewName · 27/07/2024 15:40

Keep the baby, in your circumstances I personally would never consider them enough to consider a termination. My MIL kept the baby she had later in life, he's now a thriving, hilarious teenager and he has an amazing bond with my DH due to their age gap. She always says she's so glad she had him.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 27/07/2024 15:40

Yanbu at all. You can and should definitely keep the baby if you want to.

Realistically though, given your age and family history of it, it's quite likely that your 4th child will have a much more complex presentation of ASD than your older child does, as you clearly have the genes for it in the family and there is some correlation with age of mother. So it's worth thinking about how you will cope with that eventuality (which isn't a certainty of course) and also how your older children will cope.

If you feel the joy will outweigh the challenges, or that the pain and grief of a termination would outweigh the impact of not doing so, then it's absolutely right to keep going with the pregnancy and to welcome your 4th child whatever happens.

Zanatdy · 27/07/2024 15:40

Sounds like you need to think about it for a bit longer. I would probably terminate but obviously if I was pregnant I might feel differently. My brother had a 3rd child when he late 40’s (his DD’s were in their 20’s) and his wife was 43 (1st DC). He’s 2 now and they are permanently exhausted.

WetBandits · 27/07/2024 15:41

I’d probably keep the telephone appointment so you can chat through it with someone impartial, then you can decide Flowers

Original poster
WhatToDo888 · 27/07/2024 15:43

Thank you everyone for your comments. I feel silly for making a thred on this. Just feel I've got nobody to talk to in real life.
The ASD risk is one of the biggest factors for me in possibly not continuing with the pregnancy.
Thanks for being kind. It's good to hear different experiences.

OP posts:
Ilovecakey · 27/07/2024 15:46

It sounds like you would regret a termination and you want and would love the baby, I have 5 children my last pregnancy was not planned and then turned out to be twins and one of my kids is also suspected ASD it's hard but I love them all and wouldn't change anything

PerkyMintDeer · 27/07/2024 15:46

43 isn't incredibly old or anything that's all that unusual these days. It is most likely your last chance for a 4th, so if you terminate there is that to take into account. You're already pregnant, you wanted a 4th, your heart is swayed, the kids want a sibling...it seems to me like a termination would be really upsetting.

I was a late surprise...my parents terminated a previous surprise pregnancy and never got over it, they weren't thrilled that I was on the way but it worked out really well in the end and they wouldn't have had it any other way and if anything wish that they'd went ahead with both pregnancies and had two late additions. They feel I kept them young and we have ended up being very close.

Sunnydiary · 27/07/2024 15:47

Oh gosh!

Ok, when I feel like this, I try to meditate and get into a very calm state where I imagine I have absolutely made the decision. First one way, then the other.

I focus on my feelings alone, rather than anything factual. I always find I feel a huge sense of relief with one of the options, and go with that.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

VJBR · 27/07/2024 15:50

I had a third after seven years. The other two adored her and she was my easiest baby as there was always somebody around to amuse and hold her. Downside is that when they left for university she was very much on her own and I feel my body suffered a bit in having a later pregnancy. I wouldn't have had it any different though. Can't imagine life without her. I would advise having the Harmony test if you continue with the pregnancy. More accurate screening and you can have it from 11 weeks.

Didimum · 27/07/2024 16:18

Book yourself some urgent counselling, OP.

Nemosimpatico · 27/07/2024 16:43

I had a surprise pregnancy at 39 when my first two were 10 and 8, and opted for a termination. I regretted it bitterly practically at once and wasn't happy until I got pregnant again at 40. Pregnancy was healthy and so was baby, older 2 kids delighted, all good. Then had another surprise pregnancy at 42 and this time went through with it. Again, healthy baby, happy siblings. Today the four of them are very close and needless to say I can't imagine life without them. I feel I'm luckier and happier than I deserve as I still feel guilty about the first termination - I feel I was hard-hearted. This is just my reaction, not a judgement on anyone else. We were never rich but we managed. Best of luck to you OP whatever you decide x

anonhop · 27/07/2024 16:57

I'd keep the baby. Sounds like you are great parents and will love it as much as you love your others + I can't see a situation where you'll regret having a child you love but can certainly see you regretting an abortion. Big hugs- kids are the best & it's one more bundle of joy, one more cute baby smiles, one more string of funny toddler moments etc! Not negating the hard parts one iota, just my 2 cents x

Despair1 · 27/07/2024 17:16

Nemosimpatico · 27/07/2024 16:43

I had a surprise pregnancy at 39 when my first two were 10 and 8, and opted for a termination. I regretted it bitterly practically at once and wasn't happy until I got pregnant again at 40. Pregnancy was healthy and so was baby, older 2 kids delighted, all good. Then had another surprise pregnancy at 42 and this time went through with it. Again, healthy baby, happy siblings. Today the four of them are very close and needless to say I can't imagine life without them. I feel I'm luckier and happier than I deserve as I still feel guilty about the first termination - I feel I was hard-hearted. This is just my reaction, not a judgement on anyone else. We were never rich but we managed. Best of luck to you OP whatever you decide x

Thank you for sharing this and please be kind to yourself re your previous decision to terminate

Despair1 · 27/07/2024 17:18

WhatToDo888 · 27/07/2024 15:43

Thank you everyone for your comments. I feel silly for making a thred on this. Just feel I've got nobody to talk to in real life.
The ASD risk is one of the biggest factors for me in possibly not continuing with the pregnancy.
Thanks for being kind. It's good to hear different experiences.

Take care OP. No reason to feel silly at all. You are dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions. This is your decision to make

PippaSews · 27/07/2024 17:32

I had older parents.
I am late/adult diagnosed Autistic+ADHD.
My younger 'surprise' sibling is medium support needs Autistic and was diagnosed as a child.

Mum said she often felt out of place with the young mums when it came to school events, she didn't have the same energy as many of those younger parents, and was 'old fashioned' in some of her views and attitudes.

All my grandparents passed away before I was in full time school, so I have almost no memories of them.

My cousins were all teens or older when I was born - I fell in the gap between the generations (cousins / cousins kids) on both sides. Also on both sides the groups are quite close and do things like holiday together - I am not invited. (If it matters, many of my cousins are also neurodiverse.)

Both my parents health deteriorated early: I had to take on caring for my sibling (working f/t and living in their own flat but can't deal with general life admin like finances, laundry, house cleaning, medical appts), caring for my mum until she died (before she reached pension age, just like her parents and 3 of her siblings) when I was barely 20 which almost broke me, and within 5 yrs also dealing with the paperwork side of my "father's" care needs (he is an abusive alcoholic and I will not interact with him, much to his council's annoyance).

I do not hate my sibling, I actually enjoy spending time with them, but I cannot deny that my mum's decision to keep my 'surprise' younger sibling has had much more of a significant impact on my life than on hers, has limited my options in life, and while I love and miss her, I will never stop resenting her for delaying having children knowing the average life span of her family, or for prioritising an unexpected/unwanted pregnancy over the wellbeing of her pre-existing family.

While it's uncomfortable to think about, I wish more people planned for less than ideal outcomes.
How would it impact you and your family if you had a child with high support needs or other disabilities? What if you and/or your partner's health deteriorated and/or you passed away? (e.g.would siblings be split up because relatives could only take in a couple of children)

I'm not suggesting that you terminate, I don't know all the details of your situation and no-one else can make that decision for you, but I did want to give you a not-so-glowing view from the other side.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2024 17:38

My eldest has ASD but has very low support needs, my third born 8yrs after my eldest has severe disabilities and level 3 ASD, life is very very different now and it has had an impact on our two older children.

You have to think about and plan for the worst, I wouldn't take this risk if I had my time again.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2024 17:47

It’s always really hard to advice on these threads as it’s such a personal decision, and I never think anyone can truly put themselves in your shoes for something like this, however much info they have.

I would probably lean towards keeping the baby in your shoes, as it feels like you want a fourth and can afford it. However, no one can really make the decision for you.

Original poster
WhatToDo888 · 27/07/2024 17:48

@PippaSews @TomatoSandwiches thank you for being so honest. It's good to hear experiences from both sides, the good and the bad.
I'm going to take some time to think before my appointment next week. I've taken on board all the comments and experiences people have shared. I have opted to have a counselling session as part of the appointment.
I'm going to step away from mumsnet for a few days while i gather my thoughts, but will come back and update. Thanks again everyone who has taken the time to share.

OP posts:
JaneAustenshandbag · 27/07/2024 17:52

This happened to me - same age. Unfortunately our daughter had Down’s syndrome discovered by NIPT and I didn’t proceed with the pregnancy as it added an extra layer of complication that I wasn’t sure we could handle. I still think about her but I think it was ultimately the right choice. If you decide to proceed it is worth considering if you’ll go for any private testing as the risks are higher at this age.

Choochoo21 · 27/07/2024 17:52

This biggest thing that would put me off would be that by the time the child started school at age 4, all of the other kids would be in secondary school and more independent.

I don’t think I could do the whole primary school thing over again.

I don’t think you’re ’too old’ to be a parent but I wouldn’t want to have to deal with a teenager when I’m in my late 50s.

I will admit I’m quite biased though as I was a young mum and now I’m enjoying finally having some independence back.
I wouldn’t want to do it all again.