To keep the baby

[WhatToDo888]

I've name changed for this.
I have 3DC - 10, 8, 6. Live in a 4 bed house. Husband earns a decent salary, I work PT and we have a nice life. Just found out I'm pregnant. We are both 42 will be 43 when baby is due. We are shocked. DH would rather terminate the pregnancy but will support me if I decide to keep the baby.

I always wanted 4DC but over the last few years have started to feel content with 3. DC1 has ASD, not severe and is thriving in mainstream school but does need some additional support, especially emotionally.

My head tells me that we have a nice life now and that we're out of the baby years and enjoying life. My heart tells me that another baby would be a lovely addition.

I'm worried about setting us back, the extra financial burden, our ages, the impact on the other DC. On the other hand I love being a Mum and 2 of the DC are always asking for another baby!

This was a total surprise as I'm on the pill! I have a telephone appointment for a termination next week. I feel sick every time I think about it, but also feel sick thinking about having a 4th baby at 43.

Just wanted other people's experience if they've been in this situation and decided to keep the baby or not, or if you were a child with older parents, or if you're a midwife, health professional and have experience of working with older parents.

I feel completely torn and still in shock - please be kind!

I don't have many people I can talk to about this in real life as my three closest friends are having/have had problems with fertility and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my predicament when they would do anything to be pregnant/ have a baby.

You should do what you want to do.

Personally I would take a long hard think about whether you want to go through the baby years again and also consider if you & your DH have enough bandwidth for an extra DC.
Only you 2 can answer that.
I know I couldn't do that.

I just think of my SIL and BIL.
SIL wanted another DC, BIL didn't.
SIL got pregnant, whilst using contraception. They had another DC, who is wonderful, HOWEVER, BIL just looks permanently stressed all the time, genuinely, he is never relaxed. I do think it has affected his mental health.

I would think less about the baby, as most babies are lovely. Think more about the impact on your current family dynamic - will another baby / child make it better or worse?

I wouldn't base anything on what your kids are saying they want. They might like the idea of a baby but I don't think they appreciate the reality of for example sharing rooms, having to do their share of toddler friendly activities, having to be quiet in the evenings as its their siblings bed time, having to stop family activities that you're just at the stage where you can enjoy. My two are the same 9 and 6 say they'd love a sibling. But they love family ice skating, badminton, cycles, cinema trips, meals out etc and they have no appreciation that these things would stop, or look very different, or would have to be done with one parent instead of the both of us. It depends what your lifestyle is though - if you're more a family that does stuff that any age can enjoy (eg you live near the coast and spend loads of time on the beach) then that might be different.

Take your time to think about it - the impact of both options on you, and the rest of the family and how it will affect the daily routine

I think this is something only you can answer. I can say I was in the exact same situation as you except I was 38. Husband didn’t speak for a month he was in such deep shock. I was also in complete shock but still wanted the baby. We had her and she is the absolute joy of our lives and of our other 3 kids. We all adore her

In situations like this I guess you have to weigh up how you’ll cope mentally with either situation ( termination or continuing with the pregnancy )
would terminating cause you severe regret leading to possible depression? Would continuing with the pregnancy cause so much extra pressure it would make life miserable for you? Of course you’ll never know how things will turn out, but you need to think about worse case scenario.
Then of course there’s your existing children to consider. How will another child impact their lives?

hope everything works out well whatever you decide.

I think the challenges you face are that DC1 is thriving but is still at primary school. The wheels may come off to some extent at secondary. Your younger two may yet show signs of ASD. Given your age, it is more likely that DC4 will have ASD and that it might be more complex.
For the next few days, whatever you do, try and anticipate what it might be like to do it not with a highly portable baby but with a toddler in tow or a 5yo with ASD.

Toss a coin

Hear me out

Heads for yes
Tails for no

In that split second before you look, you'll likely have a 'please be heads' or 'please be tails' moment

It might (hopefully) help

I had DC4 at 41, so a bit younger than you but not much.

DC4 was a contraception failure - two concurrent contraceptives actually. We discussed abortion but I couldn't do it.

I won't lie, four kids with a large age range is difficult sometimes and hard work always. But we all adore DC4 and I can't imagine life without him. Who knows how I'll feel as I am delaying retirement to fund university, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I don't feel too old to have a preschooler, and our family is all the better for his arrival

I would think very carefully because of the risk. I work in autism diagnosis and frequently see families with multiple children with ASD and often the youngest has the highest support needs. It’s a very hard road for a family with a child with high support needs. I really wanted a 4th, my youngest has ASD & ADHD with medium support needs. We didn’t go forward and are now glad with what I know about the genetic risk.

Thanks for sharing, take care

If you want the baby come what may then go for it. If having another DC with ASD will tip you over the edge then think carefully, would you be ok for money and time, would you be able to give your older DC what they need

Just wanted to update the thread. I have miscarried. I was 75% sure I wanted a termination and was planning to give myself until Monday to think about options. I miscarried on Wednesday. I feel OK and quite calm and accepting of this outcome. Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their experiences on this thread. A lot of the responses were very helpful. Thank you all and sorry to hear of those of you who have experienced your own painful outcomes x

Look after yourself

I hope you're OK @WhatToDo888 . A sad end to your problem.

Hope you are ok OP. Miscarriages are never pleasant.
I don't see this as a 'sad end' more of a 'it is what it is' or maybe even a relief given you swaying towards a termination.
Rest up x

So sorry for your loss.
It is ok to grieve, even though you were considering a termination this is still a loss.

Sending good wishes OP 💐

I can’t tell you what to do- nor can anyone else. They can tell you what they think thry would do in your circumstances.

Can you speak with someone independent? Locally we have a birth choices counselling service and there is also counselling available via the clinic. Perhaps having someone who can really talk to about it will help clarify it for you?

perhaps also sit down and work out the financial aspects (e.g. nursery costs) and impact on your family- will the extra costs make the difference between coping financially and struggling? If so, are you being realistic about that and what it will mean for your children? If financially it will be manageable, do you think you and your DH have the emotional resources? These are things you need to consider, IMHO.

Sorry OP. I missed your post. Hope you are ok.

🌻 take care,

Sorry to read your update…I hope you are well.

💐

Have seen your update, I'm so sorry 😞 sending you a gentle hug 🫂

For goodness sake could people at least read OPs updates?!

I'm thinking of you Whattodo, a miscarriage is never easy to go through. I hope you are as ok as you can be in the circumstances. Wishing you all the best as you recover.