To think 50+ hours a week in childcare is a lot for a 2 year old?

[Bunnn]

A family member's 2-year-old is in childcare for over 50 hours a week. AIBU to think that is a lot and feel a bit sad about it? I'm not judging the parents. They both work although they do both tend to have days off during week days. They won't ever pick him up early or not send him when they are off work as they want to get what they've paid for. His Mum even said she will wait around the corner until 17:55 to pick him up at 18:00 exactly if she ever arrives early.

I met up with them last week during the week, along with some of our family for a day out that the child would have loved, and was surprised they had still sent him to childcare for his full 10 hour day rather than let him spend the day/afternoon with his family including his grandparents and cousins. I just kept thinking about it and felt so sad and guilty. I'm sure he has lots of fun at childcare, but it is still long days to be away from parents and not be at home.

I would never judge anyone who has to resort to this level of childcare in order to work. Even just for the cost alone. That's necessity rather than choice. However 50 hours is a LOT and if I could alleviate some of that with half a day of early pickup on days off, I absolutely would. That is a choice and they choose not to. I also understand people needing a couple of hours to themselves so I'm not suggesting that they should do this everytime they're off.....but never? Really? Also sending the child to daycare instead of letting them attend a child friendly, family event speaks volumes to me. This post isn't about judging those who use childcare, it's about making a choice to not be with the little one when you really could be.

I don't judge them for needing full time, 5 day a week childcare.
I do judge them for waiting in a parking lot at 17.55 so that they pick up at 18.00 so they get what they paid for rather than 5 extra minutes with their young child.
That is what's deplorable.

Looks like this has struck a cord with some.

YANBU

OP is claiming that she isn’t judging.

Maybe the child wouldn’t have enjoyed the day out. As you said, we don’t really know and it’s also possible that OP doesn’t fully know either.

I can't get upset about working parents and having to use childcare but I can't get my head around waiting until the last minute deliberately or sending them in every time I had a day off - every now and then maybe as clearly both working full time and need a break too but I wouldn't do a full day every single time.

It's a hard juggle but everyone is different I guess.

Hmmm, it does sound odd to me, if one parent works PT. I'd really wonder if I knew the full story.

What can you do though? The parents sound a bit strange. Not the worst though - child not in poverty, being adequately looked after by nursery and parents. Could be worse!

Do they actually like him?!

I totally get what you're saying and logically speaking of course, you're right.

But the use of full-time childcare is (imo) a bit more complex than that.

I'm not judging the parents

Except you absolutely are.

Why do you feel sad and guilty, have you maybe put them off bringing the child when you are there. what are you feeling guilty about.

I was (still am but youngest is 13 now) a working mother. I would never judge parents for making good quality child care arrangements while they work. But having the child in child care for 60 hours per week if it is not all necessary, sitting around the corner rather than picking him up early; yes I’d judge that. Not much you can do though OP. But I agree it’s shit.

She is judging the parents waiting 5 minutes around the corner or sending DC in deep tee a lovely family day, NOT working mothers or childcare per se.

Or you could just let them be parents as they have chose to be - popping round to check that they are ok?! What a daft suggestion. Why should she help parents who have chosen to have a child, chosen to work full-time, and chosen to put the kid in childcare?!

Some posters are beyond 🙄

We don't know it was a lovely day out, that is just OP's opinion

Awwwww but that spoils it for the frothers!

@BobnLen she feels that way for the child who has a mother like that 🙄 and having gone on the family day while that child had to miss out

It sounds as if they've underestimated what having a child is like and aren't enjoying being parents. There's a few parents in my eldest GC class who give off the same vibes. Things might get better as the child grows, some people just want the toddler years over with and they've got the income to do that.

Agree that it's hard for working parents to avoid long hours in childcare but putting your child into nursery instead of bringing them to a family event is very strange indeed.

The OP absolutely is judging them. That's what this thread is about. You can argue that the judgement is justified, but let's be clear about the basics.

Of course yanbu op - poor little boy.

@Bunnn You are absolutely judging these parents . Will you be sharing your sadness with your family members or quietly judging them?

One thing I wondered is if their 2 year old still have nap times ? I know my little one struggles with a full day out as he still needs a long nap . Perhaps their LO would of struggled with the day out x

@NotSureWhatUsernameToChoose Because instead of judging someone you should offer help / check if there was real concern (OP isn’t judging right and has real concern?) If they are fine all good, leave them too it, it’s there life choices. I wouldn’t use nursery this much but some else can.

It’s either OP has actual concern and therefore needs to take action / speak to them to understand the reasons why or they are judging and just wants to complain on MN but won’t actually have any action with the pretence they aren’t judging.

My daughter is in childcare 4 days a week. On days I'm in the office she is in 7.30 until 5.45. On WFH days she is in 8.30 until 6. My train gets in at 5.30 and I give myself 10 minutes to finish the chapter of my book in the car or do my Duolingo for the day.
We have days off and put her in nursery her usual hours. We have days off and she does a shorter day and days off and she stays at home. The days off with her usual hours is usually to allow us to get stuff done that is hard to do when she is around. My partner had a day off last week to service the cars. It's a job now that doesn't need doing at the weekend so we can spend that time together as a family. We have had days off to go to restaurants which is just not an option when my daughter is around.
My daughter is happy in nursery and she brings me great joy too. There are other things that bring me joy too like getting lost in a good book. I don't think my daughter suffers by being picked up 10 minutes later by a mum that feels whole again by having a few minutes to herself for something that brings her joy.
I think there can be a lot of shame attached to women that don't dedicate every waking minute to their children but I am a better mother and person when my life has balance and some carefully crafted afternoons to me be whilst she is being looked after definitely help with this.

A childminder isn’t a nursery though is it. It is still a single secure attachment.

Depends on the nursery. DC only went two days a week, and one of those days was my day off. Their nursery prioritised small classes (usually six), and one lead carer per room. DC felt very secure and safe with the staff, and they had much better facilities for outdoor play, messy play, mud kitchen, etc than we could provide in our little flat with no garden. Also DC is an only child and we have no friends or relatives close by with children a similar age, so although WE could have coped fine without nursery till they were school age, we felt it was actually important for them to go, learn social skills, get used to NOT being the most important person in the room, and get exposed to group games and sharing and making friends. Also we noticed they were much happier to try new things after watching other children do them.