To ask how to improve social skills (when your parents didn't have them)?

[roamingcat]

Hi all,

Posting here for traffic as I'm really hoping the community can help me out. As in the title really im looking for your tips or advice to help with social skills.

Sadly my parents aren't great socially and I grew up in a house where there wasn't much conversation and they took little interest in me as a person (think no asking how are you, no asking questions, not really having back and forth conversations). They didn't really have many friends and we didn't go out and do much which means I've always felt a little on the back foot socially.

Whilst generally I think I do okay - I have friends, do well at work, have a lovely partner - I do sometimes worry I could be better socially. I tend to worry most about making conversation/hosting people as this wasn't a thing I was exposed to growing up.

I would love to hear about any little tips you have for social skills or making conversation- particularly if your own family wasn't great at it! Thanks 🙂

I grew up with two timid, withdrawn parents, neither of whom has ever had a single real friend, and who taught me some very weird scripts about friendships which meant I had very lonely schooldays, and spent my university years unlearning what I’d been taught. I’m a socially confident adult with good friends.

What is it exactly that you want to improve? Do you want more friends? Surely mak8ng conversation with existing friends isn’t an issue? What is it about hosting you feel you aren’t doing right?

Be genuinely interested in people.
I remember at secondary school I had a friend who used to remember every time someone went to the dentist, their granny visited, their dog was unwell etc and always asked after them in a way that felt concerned, not intrusive.

So remembering things that matter to others, and ask how things went. But not continuing asking so it feels intrusive.

It's also practice. My siblings struggled socially. So they chose not to do things where they might have to be sociable, so they didn't learn. It was a circle. They also tended to blame others (not to them, but when we were home) rather than feel they should make any effort.
I am not brilliant socially, but they would say (possibly through gritted teeth ) that I am very sociable and it's not fair . I would say I learnt a lot from them what not to do and how to react.

So giving it a go. Remembering what works and what doesn't work.

Then there's making the most of what you do know/have. We didn't watch TV much. My siblings would say how terrible this was because they couldn't talk with the others at school. I had a known niche as the person people could come and enthuse about the latest TV programme. My siblings would stop the conversation with "I didn't watch it." I'd listen and make comments/questions, which helped when making friends.

So don't stop conversation when it's happening. If it's not interesting to you, then listen. Don't give people the impression that you only want to talk when it's about you, or something you do.

And doing something together can be an easy way of making friends. A joint work. Often things that seem boring can really bring people together. I played tennis, and we wouldn't have been friends in the normal way, but playing on a team meant we spent time together and had a good laugh. Equally well my very shy dd finds working backstage on performances has brought her best friends. Doing something together, working towards a common goal really brings people together.

So do some activities that you see the same people, but with something that you are working towards together. Pick what you do, but don't go in, seeing the people as first and foremost potential friends, see them as people first.

Don't make snap judgements. I've got a couple of good friends that are not the "normal" people I would hang round with. The person who let you down the first week, may normally be very reliable. The person that told you they can't stand your favourite musical, may share other tastes with you.

So give people a chance. Don't write them off the second they do something you're not sure about, or because they don't look like your sort.

From one not-very sociable person to another. It's hard. I find it exhausting. But it's also rewarding. It takes time to build up a friendship too. Don't expect it to happen at once.

I'm so pleased to hear you were able to turn it around in a different way from your parents!

I would like to make more friends and be comfortable around people who are not in yet in that "close friends" category. When I'm seeing people I don't know very well I worry about what we're going to talk about. This also means I can sometimes avoid work events etc because I worry about making conversation (but I know this will probably only make it worse.....)

Thank you so much! There's loads of great advice here 😀

I would like to make more friends and be comfortable around people who are not in yet in that "close friends" category. When I'm seeing people I don't know very well I worry about what we're going to talk about.

Give open ended sentences/questions so people can reply.

Good things to say are:
Compliments: "I love your dress. Where did you get it?"
Questions: "Can anyone recommend an MOT centre? Our normal one has closed down."
Common ground: "Isn't the weather awful again?"
And similarly, things you've all experienced or can empathise with: "Did anyone else get woken up by the thunder last night?" "I waited half an hour on the phone to the dr's this morning, to be told there were no appointments left. What's it like at your surgery?"

Listen to their responses and continue the conversation showing that you have heard what they said. (eg for MOT) "That sounds great. Is it easy to get one booked."
And don't keep flogging the conversation and going back to it, if it's moved on. Go with the flow. Even if all you say is occasional words, it doesn't matter.

Keep positive, unless you're all having a moan. Having a moan is great for bonding, but make sure you're not topping everyone's story with something worse.
I tend to keep count. If I've topped someone once (either good or bad), I don't do it again in the same conversation. Equally well, if I've started talking at the same time as someone else, and they let me continue, the next time it happens I will make sure I back down.

Thank you - the open ended and not "topping" more than once are great 👍

Practice in low stakes situations with nice people. I think more than anything, it’s something you pick up the rhythm of and just a skill you can grow your confidence in just like anything else.

I think one of the main things is just to keep the conversation going in a relaxed way. It often doesn’t really matter what you say so much as just saying something – making an observation (‘phew it’s gone really warm hasn’t it’), paraphrasing what the other person said and empathising (‘oh god yeah it’s a nightmare isn’t it’), being genuinely interested in them and what they’re talking about. Being relaxed and easy is more important than constantly thinking of something incredibly interesting or funny to say. As the conversation goes on and you both feel relaxed, things will (tend to) then come up that you can genuinely connect over.

And of course the other main thing is to be respectful and considerate at all times!

I think really though the only way to genuinely gain confidence though is through practicing chatting with people irl! Trying different activities and hobbies can be useful for this as you encounter a wider range of different people than usual, and connecting with new people outside your usual circle can really boost your confidence. Chatting with people in shops, taxis, etc. can be an easy way to practice too!

Probably all completely obvious advice, so forgive me if I’m stating the obvious!

Thank you OP for starting this thread, lots of useful advice here💚

Thank you, this is all really helpful.

To put my parents social skills in perspective, I saw them yesterday and was making conversation about a hobby my mum has. My dad mentioned she's due to go on a course for it soon so I asked what the course was called/what it's about. Her response was "I don't want to talk about it" 😐

OP I hear you. My parents were on the quiet side, they had few friends, were cynical about a lot of social things, probably because they struggled to be themselves in these situations. I empathise with them now but I'm glad I can pass on some hard earned confidence and guidance to my kids.

My advice is to practice at bits and bobs & even banter with everyday people - at the shop, in a queue, in the park. I guess just become less inhibited. I have to admit my children enabled me to do that as they made me less neurotic, my brain is part focussed on them, not on my own neurosis!

I have the opposite thing now, I've gone from being very quiet to very chatty so I'm now learning to listen, which is a great way of flowing conversation rather than delivering a monologue, although it's very useful to be able to chat on demand to start up conversation or keep it going if it flounders.

On hosting, copy what your friends do if any do it really well, it's a lot about creating an inviting atmosphere. If it's an afternoon tea, have snacks, keep people topped up with cup of tea / coffee, make your room look nice / get out the best crockery! This makes people feel more at ease to relax.

I did this too.
Agree wth pp, some great advice there.
Also when your tool box is empty you can't change everything at once. So I used to work on one thing at a time.
I would see who I knew who was doing things well and notice what they did that I didn't and then work on that for a while... It would feel weird and alien at first, then become more auto pilot, then would feel natural. Once that came easily I would do the next one.

Now I feel like me, because the things I learnt to do were only alien to me because of my upbringing, isolated and abusive. I was uncovering my real self really, it's horrid when you lack a skill you really need. Social skills are so important.

I still sometimes feel like a have a neon flashing sign over my head saying "weirdo here - chase with pitchforks' but that's only if I've got problems and my old life is trying to claim me back into the pit. On the whole I think you can succeed, like a mature student going to uni. - late but never too late. 😁🤣

Hey op, it sounds like you are self aware and reflective, both traits which are key (in my opinion) to being a warm and likeable person.

My advice - think about the people who you have felt comfortable, relaxed and attracted to, and what they did that made you feel that way. It's usually their warmth, openness, generosity. People like to feel interesting, important and cared about, think about the qualities in others that make you feel that way, and emulate them :) tbh you sound all these things anyway.

Making friends as an adult is hard work and takes a lot of effort.. I would say I feel v confident in my social skills, I have good friends etc, but I still feel lonely a lot.

Also just to say, nobody is for everybody and that's ok. My sister jokes that I look at her, and people in general, too intensely when I'm talking to them. I'm not for everybody and that's ok.
I think sense of humour is also important, not taking yourself too seriously. I laugh with my sister about my intense stare

I too had very insular parents and this was a massive struggle for me. I've done a mix of learning the hard way and reading up on social skills and conversations in an almost theoretical way.

The other thing I've had to do is really let go of the vision of adult friendship I learned from TV because I didn't have real examples growing up. It's hard because the more realistic model just seems really rubbish in comparison.

I'm still a bit crap socially and don't make friends easily. For me I find some situations work well for me and I'm almost fine and then others just seem like a non-starter where everything is an epic fail.

Hi OP: I think the fact that you want to be more sociable is half the battle to be honest. People who are very socially awkward exude a kind of tenseness and discomfort which comes from the fact they don’t want to do it. If you want to learn you have all the tools already.

I think it’s easy, if you’re socially awkward, to think everyone else feels very confident but actually that is rarely the case. Very socially gifted people are not very common and a lot of people are faking it until they make it.

As others have said it’s good to practice in a low risk scenario with friendly people who you slightly know. I also think it’s important not to underestimate the value of just being a good listener. Very extroverted people who are good raconteurs often burn out socially because they are not interested in anyone else and it’s tiring being with someone who only talks about themselves. Being able to listen respectfully to people and show interest in their lives goes a long way.

Lots of good advice. I would also say as well as listening to what other say, look at their mannerisms and how others respond to those.

You can learn a lot about what NOT to do by observing!

I always remember the quote from the superb Robin Williams 1991 film The Fisher King
'a conversation has a life of it's own, just trust that and see where it goes' ..
Or words to that effect.
You are only one half of a conversation so don't try to over control or fret about it... It's more like you add your bit, and if the other person does their bit it will carry on and who knows where it will end up, just see what thoughts spring up from what is said.
Useful to know how to recognise winding up cues though... Body language and phrases that show someone is ready to leave, then you have a phrase ready, like "lovely to see you, hope the xyz works out'... 'thanks, see you soon' ... 'that'd be nice, bye'

Sometimes you can have a nice conversation but if it doesn't end smoothly it can feel like the whole thing was bad or that you've left a crap impression of yourself with someone. So a set of non awkward conversation endings can be useful.

@Thepeopleversuswork true! Tense people rarely come across well even if they don't say anything 'wrong' ... Not taking yourself too seriously and laughing at your own mistakes is quite disarming cos everyone has blundered no and again.
So if you do talk over someone a quick 'sorry, mouth in overdrive, after you' with a relaxed smile goes a long way, better than dying of embarrassment you talked over them and hoping no one noticed, as that just makes you tense.

What helped me with work events was realising that very few people want to be there and then having a look around and, rather than making a bee line for the popular group which I'd be on the periphery of, looking for someone who was by themselves and introducing myself to them.

'Be yourself' is the best and worst advice simultaneously. How can we be anything other than ourselves? What if our selves are socially inept?

But I've learned it means, just uncensor yourself a little bit in social situations. Make a comment that conveys a bit of attitude or opinion but without holding court. Don't be uniformly bland and nice.It's hard to read people who don't show a bit of vulnerability.

Show a bit of passion about something you love - art or sport or music. Ask and offer opinions or advice but keep it light in social situations.

Don't fire questions. Ask one or two.

If you are hosting, introduce people to each other with a tiny bit of common ground: This is Jay, he's just got a new puppy too, or, Bea was in the civil service for 10 years too etc.

Allow social interactions with people you don't know well to be very breezy. (Playdate handovers/ volunteering together etc.)

@UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing

I always remember the quote from the superb Robin Williams 1991 film The Fisher King
'a conversation has a life of it's own, just trust that and see where it goes' ..
Or words to that effect.
You are only one half of a conversation so don't try to over control or fret about it... It's more like you add your bit, and if the other person does their bit it will carry on and who knows where it will end up, just see what thoughts spring up from what is said.

This is very good advice. As someone who used to be quite socially awkward and is now quite comfortable socially I think the most important and underrated thing to learn to do is chill. Being quiet and not saying much is OK. Listening is actually a bit of a superpower.

There’s a tendency to think you have to always be talking, always have an opinion or a joke and be “always on.” This is what stresses people out. Actually if it’s not there and you try to force it it will come out sounding weird and tense. Far better to relax, listen and not out too much pressure on yourself.

If you observe a room full of people often the most socially comfortable person isn’t the loudest or funniest. It’s the lower key person who knows when to talk and when not to talk.

Yes, and I think one of the unfortunate side-effects of being socially-awkward is that you can come across as self-absorbed, bored or even arrogant, because you’re not really listening to what the other person is saying, you’re thinking ‘Oh, god, what do I say next? How am I coming across? Does X like me? Should I say I once went on holiday to Bèziers too? What was it that happened when I was there that I can tell her about?’ Which unfortunately often then means you’ve zoned out on what the other person said because you’re preparing your next gambit. So trust the conversation and listen properly is good advice.

I also think a pp made an important point — no one is for everyone. Not everyone will like you, and that’s fine. Your job isn’t to be the magnolia paint of people in that no one feels strongly positively about it, but it’s inoffensive.

One thing that helped me a lot was realising I'm allowed to NOT make conversation, sometimes. I can take my time, or just listen to people for a while. Or ask questions and listen to the answers.

To me, it removed the pressure and made social situations less stressful.

My biggest tip is ask questions about the other person - and be genuinely interested in the responses, and genuinely listen to the responses so you can ask follow up questions.

I'm naturally shy - but don't want to be. As a child and young adult social situations made me really anxious (borderline terrified). Now they don't and I don't think people who don't know me really well would think I'm shy, but it's because I've been faking it all this time. I don't feel anxious about social things with actual friends anymore, but I have to do a lot of networking for work and I LOATHE it. I'm not good at it, and I find it really uncomfortable (and it leaves me feeling pretty drained). And I hate small talk. So I'm putting the questions thing into practice in the hope that by asking lots of questions (because people love being asked about themselves) one question will lead to another and hopefully eventually we can discover some sort of common topic or find something out about the person that I'm actually genuinely really interested in and we can have a more genuine natural conversation if that makes sense (ie by learning about the person we can get away from the shallow chit chat small talk and discover something more sincere).

Practice makes perfect. Think how children of immigrants manage to integrate. Def not from the parents!