To ask how to improve social skills (when your parents didn't have them)?

[roamingcat]

Hi all,

Posting here for traffic as I'm really hoping the community can help me out. As in the title really im looking for your tips or advice to help with social skills.

Sadly my parents aren't great socially and I grew up in a house where there wasn't much conversation and they took little interest in me as a person (think no asking how are you, no asking questions, not really having back and forth conversations). They didn't really have many friends and we didn't go out and do much which means I've always felt a little on the back foot socially.

Whilst generally I think I do okay - I have friends, do well at work, have a lovely partner - I do sometimes worry I could be better socially. I tend to worry most about making conversation/hosting people as this wasn't a thing I was exposed to growing up.

I would love to hear about any little tips you have for social skills or making conversation- particularly if your own family wasn't great at it! Thanks 🙂

Following for advice.

Just a small thing, but I moved to a new area when pregnant and didn't know anyone. After having conversations with people I would go home and make brief notes about them and the conversation ('Jane, long braids, son Jake, partner from Germany, going back there for holiday this year, likes sci-fi') which meant I wasn't scrabbling round jn my mind when i saw them again - 'hi Jane, how was Hamburg? Good time with the in-laws?'

Look for the cues to move conversations forward and bring people in. For example last week at after work drinks we were talking about holidays and I was telling people about my recent holiday in France.

A guy who is quite new to our workplace mentioned he had lived in Corsica for a year. That was a cue for me to stop talking about my holiday and say "oh, that is interesting, what did you do in Corsica? I have heard it is a really interesting place"

If that works for you then by all means do it but I would caution against looking like you have “researched” people.

Being interested and remembering people is great but sounding as if you have an FBI fact file on them risks tipping into sounding a bit creepy.

I think the whole point about social confidence is that it should be relaxed and spontaneous. It’s about not being afraid to say “I’m so sorry but I have forgotten your name,” or “I know you have told me but where do you live?” Not about being able to parrot off a list of facts you have noted about someone. It would actually freak me out a bit if I had met someone a couple of times and they remembered where I had gone to school. To me that is quite at odds with being socially relaxed. It makes everything seem planned and controlled.

@EmoCourt

I also think a pp made an important point — no one is for everyone. Not everyone will like you, and that’s fine. Your job isn’t to be the magnolia paint of people in that no one feels strongly positively about it, but it’s inoffensive

Absolutely this. Far better to be genuinely loved by a small handful of people and disliked by the rest than for everyone to be able to tolerate you and deep down find you dull and no one to really “get” you.

It depends what the goal of the socialising is too. Socialising for professional purposes is quite different from making friends.

If you are networking professionally it’s important to be reasonably tolerable to as many people as possible, so you probably do want to be a bit more vanilla. If you want to make proper friends (as opposed to acquaintances) you need to be authentic or people will never get to know the real you.

I was the same.

Did a lot of reading in my younger years, emotional intelligence, transactional analysis, that sort of stuff.

I started reading AIBU to understand how other people view things. What sorts of questions other people feel are intrusive and so on.

Lucky enough to have a technical consultant role - if people need to talk to you for your expertise, conversation flows out of that and into general chat, if you let it. Carried it on outside work by helping to organise things - voluntary groups, hobby groups. All voluntary organisations are struggling for committee members at the moment, and there are plenty of committees running in a very supportive way, making sure all their members feel valued.

Try to think about others, not your own awkwardness. Say something pleasant to someone who seems to be being left out - they'll be grateful, and you may find there's a really nice person under that shy exterior. Train yourself to think about what you think of other people, before wondering what they think about you (After all, what does it matter if someone whose morals you don't share doesn't like you?)

People who know me don't believe my problems, and I can genuinely say that now I don't worry socially. But it is a long job, so never despair. It will improve, and you can continue learning all your life.

It's something you can learn, OP! Definitely.

I agree with the pp who said 'take an interest in other people, remember things about them and ask about these things when next you see them'. Eg remember where they said they were going on holiday, what hobbies they do, events they've been to. Also, anything about their children. If you remember that most people's favourite topic of conversation if themselves, you'll become very popular!! 😆

When hosting others, just make sure everyone knows where the loo is, hang up their coats, introduce them to other guests briefly (This is Sue - she works at the school with me) and get them a drink. Keep an eye on guests to make sure they don't need anything. Yes, it does mean being on duty rather than totally relaxing, but hopefully you'll get your turn at being a guest in due course! Everything else just flows from that.

Listening to others is the key and remembering things about them and their personal preferences. Don't get into anything controversial - it just makes things more difficult. With people I've just met I do NOT want to know their political or religious views, thank you. If they start on that sort of topic I just smile, nod and make non-committal, generic noises and change the subject. You can get into this kind of thing when you know people better!

And don't gossip - I'm sure you wouldn't! But this makes people feel insecure. If you say mean things about someone else, it's likely you'll say mean things about them when they're not around.

@CoffeeCantata

Don't get into anything controversial - it just makes things more difficult. With people I've just met I do NOT want to know their political or religious views, thank you. If they start on that sort of topic I just smile, nod and make non-committal, generic noises and change the subject. You can get into this kind of thing when you know people better!

See I’m not sure I would fully agree with this. I certainly would avoid talking to new acquaintances about highly controversial political stuff. It’s just not worth the risk if you don’t know where someone is coming from. That’s socialising 101.

But as I get to know people I don’t want to have very bland and uncontroversial discussions about the weather and TV etc on a rinse and repeat basis. It would actually put me off someone if I felt that they were all surface and no substance.

To become actual friends on a human level you have to at some point get below all that surface stuff. You need to choose your moment of course but to me bland and professional “niceness” is not a quality I particularly value in friendships. It often comes across as fake and self serving and leaves you frustrated.

Both my parents are autistic in their 70s and they sound very similar to yours.
In addition, everyone was hypercritical growing up; my mother about everyone’s appearance and everyone else thought that ‘honesty’ was the most important thing. They also both love to monologue about boring topics, despite the other person being clearly bored, and sometimes eventually just walking off.

My dad called his nephews “little bastards” to their mother because their parents weren’t married, and then seemed genuinely surprised that she never spoke to him again.
They are both exceptionally uncomfortable in restaurants, even the local pub, and are unable to politely return food or advocate for themselves. We rarely went out, and if we did it was an anxiety provoking affair.
And thats not even covering how as the youngest I was bulled by everyone.

They didn’t have any friends, and when I was 11 I asked my dad how I could make more friends and he just said ‘friends are funny things’.

So took me until my early twenties, having been away from to unlearn their awful ways. It’s lots of trial and error. Listening. Being interested in others. Finding your tribe.

Theres lots of good advice in this thread. I wish you all the best x

Feel open about talking to anyone who crosses your path, even briefly e.g. people collecting for charity, teenagers, person walking a dog. Not a conversation of course, something quick like, "what is up with this traffic today!" where response is clearly optional. It's very freeing and some people are very happy to chat which is nice.

Perhaps another things, which Mn is particular bad about, is remember that most people are fundamentally nice.
They don't intend to hurt you, or say something tactless or let you down. I'm sure we can all remember times when we've done that unintentionally.

So when someone says something assume (the first time at any rate) it wasn't about you, or intended to be nasty. You don't need to challenge them every time, and make them know how upset you are.

If people feel that you can take offense easily they'll be more awkward found you and then it's harder to make friends.

My dd2 was born without a hand. When I was pregnant with dc#3 someone asked how the scan went and I said "all healthy" and they said without a flicker of acknowledgement this might not be the best thing to say, "well, I always said for mine as long as they have all their fingers and toes".
I am confident that they were just using it as an expression and the inappropriateness didn't occur to them. I'm not sure they ever lined up that expression and dd2.
I am still friends with them. I never said anything to them. I'm sure I could have challenged them and they would have apologised. Probably several times.

Challenging them I don't think it would have helped anyone. It wouldn't have made me feel better and it would have made them feel really bad.
If they'd said it, or similar again, I probably would have said something.

On the flip side, especially when I'm getting to know people I try to make sure that I don't put them out. So I make sure I'm early to meetups, offer pay for drinks first, etc. I said to my dc it's about banking goodwill. It means that eg when you're late people assume you have a good reason.
And I tend to find when you're reliable, people are reliable with you*

*Yes, we all have that friend who's a bit doolally who is as likely as not to turn up a day late, but work with that rather than taking offense. Giving them a ring the day before and check they're still okay. You can do it in a casual way "would you like to meet at Costa or the centre tomorrow at 12:30?" or direct "just checking 12:30 at Costa is fine still?"
I have a friend who's always late so we have a running joke. I say to them "12:30 to meet?" she says "fine" and I'll say "see you at 13:00 then." It works. I normally get there for 12:45 and just beat them. We then have a joke that they're not as late as normal!

@MargaretThursday

Perhaps another things, which Mn is particular bad about, is remember that most people are fundamentally nice.
They don't intend to hurt you, or say something tactless or let you down. I'm sure we can all remember times when we've done that unintentionally.

Agree. Mumsnet has really opened my eyes to how suspicious and misanthropic people are about others. An surprising number of people work on the basis that everyone other than their own immediate family is out to get them.

If you want to be able to make friends you have to be open to at least the potential for them being good people.

MN is both useful and not useful. If 90% of people on a thread think something is rude, then it probably is. But sometimes people are keen to see offence at anything. If someone has been your best friend for 20 years and says something a bit abrupt, the chances are that they are having an off day or didn't mean it the way you took it, than that they are aiming to hurt you.

The biggest thing that has helped me is trying not to overthink. For a very long time I assumed that people didn't like me, so I tried too hard, which put people off which of course reinforced my view that people didn't like me. Now I try to smile and nod and listen more than I talk, and don't reveal too much about myself until I know a person well.

The hardest thing I find is knowing the difference between "being interested and asking questions" which friendly people seem to do and "engaging in a full on interrrogation" which is how my parents barrage of questions at anyone appears.

But as I get to know people I don’t want to have very bland and uncontroversial discussions about the weather and TV etc on a rinse and repeat basis. It would actually put me off someone if I felt that they were all surface and no substance.

I agree, ThePeople. I was meaning - on first or second meeting, when you're just trying to establish common ground with people. Of course for a relationship to develop. you'd need to delve deeper and become closer by discussing these things. Personally I think so much is dangerously divisive nowadays, and I actively look for common ground. We're all sort of encouraged to boldly declare opinions and take sides...it's all very reductive and un-nuanced, and intolerant.

But at first meeting, it an be off-putting to be met with a political or religious declaration...it would put me off ,and that would be it! I was very put off by a woman with a massive slogan on her t-shirt once. I didn't feel guilty because she obviously didn't feel guilty about putting her views out there!

@CoffeeCantata

Yeah I completely agree you don’t want people ramming religion or politics at you when you barely know them.

@Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright Wrong thread I suspect
🤣

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I really struggle in social situations. Never know what to say.

What I am curious about though... how did you manage to get a partner if you don't have socials skills? I've never been able to manage the small talk needed for dating. How did you do it??

I read a guardian tip for making eye contact. Always look someone in the eye long enough to note their eye colour. It’s just long enough to appear friendly without seeming creepy.

Its my favourite piece of advice because invariably people smile and it makes shop tills much better. You get a virtue circle of feeling more sociable due to small interactions so grow your confidence :)

I think this is a great idea as I don't have the best memory - I'll make sure not to do it in a creepy way like later posters suggest but I think it's a good way of having things to hand to talk about.

This is good advice about not being afraid to say what you've forgotten- it shows you're still interested!

This sounds exactly like my parents so it was comforting to read. I really resonate with the criticalness- they comment on and complain about everything and everyone, it's no wonder I worry about other people liking me/judging me!

I met someone through work and we had a lot in common!

There are too many messages to reply to individually on here but I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone's advice. It's really comforting to know I'm not alone. ❤️

I'll definitely be focusing on asking questions in a relaxed but interested way (I know its not rocket science but you can spend 3 days with my parents without them asking how you are!) And 2. Broaden your social circle by volunteering/hobbies etc (I don't really have anything like this atm so this feels important)

A tip I read was 'when meeting new people - including retail assistants etc, not just socially - be the person you would like them to be'.

So approach in a friendly way, smile (but not scarily!), make eye-contact and be courteous and interested/interesting. My sister once remarked that people in shops seemed to like me better than her, and I hadn't noticed this myself but I do treat people as human beings!! I hate people who regard those who work in shops/cafes/banks etc as little more than machines for their convenience.