To wish people would say yes and just show up?

[Rainbowsponge]

If they’re available obviously. Throwing a get together this afternoon and organising it with my family has been painful. It’s always the same.

Me: Hi, do you fancy a bbq at mine, Friday 26th at 2ish?
Family: Yes sounds great! We will be there!

On the day-

Relative 1: ‘Hi hun, so sorry but not feeling well, have a great time though, can we organise another time to meet right now?’ (Being ill isn’t a problem but they do this EVERY time)

Relative 2: ‘Hi hun, running late because of insert really flimsy excuse, I will be there at 3’. This then increases to 4, then 5, and they finally show up at 5.30.

Relative 3: ‘Oh was the bbq today???? Was it????? Did you say it was today???? Sorry totally missed your message’ (even though they replied saying yes at the time)

Sorry to vent but it’s driving me mental. It’s never just a ‘Yep see you there’ and then they arrive roughly on time.

Anyone else’s family like this?

No. Mine aren't and if they were I wouldn't ask them to anything.

They didn’t used to be this bad, it’s got much worse over the last few years. I won’t bother in future tbh.

Dont arrange going forw op. Finding people super flaky these days. One friend last week sorry meant to reply) I dont plan now its too hard work

My family aren’t thankfully but I do find people (friends) are generally flakier now. I think it’s no longer socially unacceptable to cancel last minute even if you’ve committed to something. Which is fine if it’s one person, but if you’re meeting 5 friends and 4 send a message on the day with a “sorry hun, something’s come up…” it is annoying, and negates the point of making any plans in the first place.

My immediate family are ok, but I’ve given up on attempting any wider family get togethers, they always seem to fall apart the day before.

Really rude and unacceptable imo. I do send a reminder a day or so beforehand though just because of dickheads like this.

My lovely friends and family would never dream of treating me like this. Those who do are knobheads imo.

But why keep inviting? You set the day up for failure.

Because until now I thought it was just bad luck but now I realise it’s a pattern and unlikely to change. We all have moments of realisation don’t we.

I'd feel inclined to organise something then go out
No, I wouldn't really, but it's tempting. I would just stop inviting them,

Oh yes! And they are rude treating you like this and tbh we (most of ys) go too far to try hold it together.

Worse is when you say at 2pm and they reply that they will be there at 3:30 .

That’s another thing, the constant bloody reminders, happy to send 1 a week before but they all bombard you with ‘when is it & where again?????’. One relative is very bad for this (you can probably tell which one from the texting style!) and honestly asked about 5+ times when the event was and where. Eventually I just said ‘check my previous messages in the group’ and she replied ‘don’t be snippy, I’m not scrolling back all that way, just tell me’ 😱😱

Lots of mine and DH family were like this, it all came to a head a few years ago when my parents and his dad strolled in on Christmas Day, his dad was 1hr 15 mins late, my parents 1hr 45 mins late.

We’ve stopped bothering with any hosting now. We were the only ones that ever did it and now all we hear is “oh the family never gets together any more like we all used to” to which I reply they are welcome to organise something, tell me the day, time and venue and we’ll be there.

Fortunately my family are not as bad this, I do find with friends now that the plan is not actually confirmed however much it is discussed until the day before though. Anything prior to that is a suggestion.

I have known people like this, extended family, 'friends,' acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours, ex colleagues and ex neighbours etc, and after a few times of flakiness and people not being arsed to turn up - or coming 2 hours into a 3 hour party/do, I stopped. Not hosted anyone in 15 years.

Had a bit of a do for my 40th birthday (15-ish years ago.) I invited 35 people, and 11 turned up. Lots of wasted food, and tons of booze that ended up lasting about a year! Never again. I have found very few people in my life that I can depend on sadly. Just DH, and my 2 adult children (and their partners) really. (Both sets of parents passed away some years ago, and I haven't bothered with extended family for about a decade.)

I have 3 or 4 friends, but none that I can depend on in a crisis. I think I have just kept people at arms length after being let down so many times in the past. Works for me now though. Whilst I have very few to rely on, I don't have to be bothered by people hassling me, moaning at me, using me, and wanting favours. Swings and roundabouts. Very few people in my life to depend on, but also don't have to be burdened by peoples problems, and them using me and letting me down!

YANBU. There has DEFINITELY been an increase in flakiness! I think it started with mobile phones meaning you could let someone know you'd be late, and then Covid made it worse. It's so frustrating. Just say no if you don't want to go! Saying yes doesn't seem to be viewed as a commitment anymore, it's more like a "maybe, if I feel like it on the day."

I find it hard when people these days constantly want reassurance that something is still actually going ahead. If I make a plan, you have my word and I will be there. I hate the whole "Still on for tomorrow? / I'll text you when I'm leaving / I'm on my way just checking its still on" etc etc endless texts. I have a friend who the night before any plans with me will send me endless checking texts and sometimes my phone is in the other room and you can sense the panic increasing in her messages until I reply with "yes its still on...why wouldn't it be? Its in my diary etc". I just wish people would honour the plan and not need huge hand holds in the lead up!

I find it hard when people these days constantly want reassurance that something is still actually going ahead.

Yes! DH and I are friends with a couple that do this to the point that they’re even messaging us 10 minutes beforehand to say “leaving in a few minutes, just checking you’re still ok”. We’re never late, we never flake out at the last minute, it’s bizzare.

Jeez! That's so rude! I'm not scrolling back to see what you said?! It would take less than 1 minute. So they contract out all the effort, down to the smallest degree and you have to do everything for them.

I have a brother like that. It's like pulling teeth to get him to attend anything. He needn't worry, there won't be anything else for him to attend. Miserable bugger.

That’s because of the flakiness described by OP! I agree, a plan should be a plan, but the amount of times I’ve made plans and the person has forgotten now means I text the day before to check we’re actually still meeting. Which of course opens the door for ‘actually no I’m not feeling well can we reschedule’ but the alternative is travelling somewhere and they don’t turn up. Another one is ‘let’s see’, ‘let’s confirm tomorrow’ etc. It’s so hard to get people to solidly commit to something.

I've completely stopped planning things because of this. I was mulling whether to do anything for my 50th birthday and concluded that I wouldn't bother because no-one would turn up. I don't know why people are so flaky, but most of them really are.

May not be the case here, but I think that this turning-up flakiness is to some extent down to Whatsapp.

Before easy comms through social media, it took effort to arrange things, and because of that, everyone involved had it fixed in their heads, and so in their diaries. Someone sent invitations out, or notes were dropped in letterboxes and stuck on the fridge, or several conversations were had and some kind of confirmation was given, if only verbally.

With Whatsapp, you just stick out a text - 'BBQ at ours on 6th?' and everyone who receives it replies, "Yep! Deffo!" It's one of twenty messages they've replied to that day, the date isn't lodged in the memory at all, and everyone kind of imagines that something will happen to remind them nearer the time.

You'd think that technology would make these things easier to organise and diarise, but that doesn't seem to be so.

I've done this myself - "Oh, God. Sorry! Is that tonight? I'm already at a gig!" - and I felt absolutely awful.

I shall try hard never to do it again.

Do you send a chaser text the day before ‘still on for bbq- see you at 2pm?’. Gives you notice to adjust timings, or the opportunity to cancel.

Ugh yes. Or just having a flimsy excuse fur anything.
I've moved away from my mates but go to the area every other month. Try and arrange a coffee meet up. Only one person in the group works. Kids are grown. Today I got the 'oh DH has hurt his shoulder so I'm on dog walking duty'. Like, all day?? I just asked for an hour. 'Not feeling it' is also so pathetic. Fair enough if they can't be bothered and say no in the first place but every time I do get them to meet up it's all 'this was so nice we should do it every week/month' 'oh I miss you so much l love this'!
You make a commitment and unless someone has died or you have broken your leg YOU GO.

That’s shit. Why can’t she walk the dog to a cafe FFS.

I have a friend who likes to suggest meeting up on x date. I say yes, sounds great. She’ll say ‘ok well let‘s see’. Then when it comes to it she either cancels or I hear nothing more about it. Don’t fucking ask me to meet up if you have no intention of meeting up. It drives me mad and I no longer take any of her suggestions for meeting seriously.