To wish people would say yes and just show up?

[Rainbowsponge]

If they’re available obviously. Throwing a get together this afternoon and organising it with my family has been painful. It’s always the same.

Me: Hi, do you fancy a bbq at mine, Friday 26th at 2ish?
Family: Yes sounds great! We will be there!

On the day-

Relative 1: ‘Hi hun, so sorry but not feeling well, have a great time though, can we organise another time to meet right now?’ (Being ill isn’t a problem but they do this EVERY time)

Relative 2: ‘Hi hun, running late because of insert really flimsy excuse, I will be there at 3’. This then increases to 4, then 5, and they finally show up at 5.30.

Relative 3: ‘Oh was the bbq today???? Was it????? Did you say it was today???? Sorry totally missed your message’ (even though they replied saying yes at the time)

Sorry to vent but it’s driving me mental. It’s never just a ‘Yep see you there’ and then they arrive roughly on time.

Anyone else’s family like this?

You shouldnt have to chase anyone. Flakes lol. Then I get nobody arranges coffee. You do it so. I went abroad for 50th as knew people would let me down. Its crap really.

Hi OP.
I'm 45, married, child free.
I never invite and very rarely accept an invitation (think twice a year).
I prefer the comfort of my home and my own company, also seeing people "virtually '.
Husband doesn't mind (he is significantly older).
I'm happy like this and definitely was before the so called pandemic.
Due to various excuses, I haven't visited my country (and relatives) for five years and again, couldn't be happier.
I think more people are this way inclined, only are reluctant to admit it, or embarrassed for being "loners" etc.
I don't care what anyone thinks, my motto has always been "I'd like other people to want from me exactly as much as I want from them".
😊

No, I have never experienced that. I wouldn't be inviting them around again.

My family aren’t like this but my dad does treat the time you say as an opening point for negotiations! In that he always wants to come earlier.

“Oh so if we could just arrive 30 mins/ 1 hour before the time you’ve said…”

No, that’s the worst possible time to arrive - that’s the rush time and the time when you don’t want people turning up and putting their bags and coats everywhere!

In general I feel like I've had to really lower my expectations of others when it comes to things like this. It's either that or sack people off completely which is tempting but I do want my DC to experience life with us being around other people rather than an isolated family unit.

Bad manners are always socially unacceptable.

YANBU
My older kids (20s) are ok. I think it's because they actually like to get together? When i sound the klaxon for a roast they all come running!

However - DH and his siblings are a different kettle of fish. They are all 40s early 50s with kids of various ages.

MIL tries to do get togethers at hers - only twice a year - and I feel for her because it's a bloody nightmare getting all of them to agree on a date (i know from eavesdropping on their whatsap) and getting them to actually turn up at roughly the same sort of time is impossible.

We live 2 hours away and like to get there by late morning because we're usually first to leave and like to be there for long enough to make it worthwhile. The rest of them live well within an hour away and turn up in in dribs and drabs, sometimes over half way through the afternoon. MIL juggling keeping food hot and texting them asking where they are. She keeps updating us about who's where and laughing and stressing and i just think - why the hell can't these fully functioning adults juts be somewhere on time ??

Not normal at all.
Very rude behaviour.
Wouldn't happen twice.

People are leading busier lives now, do you send reminders?
Set up a separate group chat for that particular event?
As a group we send reminders a couple of weeks out if something is arranged weeks/months in advance; but for less formal things like BBQs etc we would usually arrange a week in advance - less chance of life getting in the way.

I agree and see it across different groups of friends (and myself)

I think there are lots of contributing factors:

Mobile phones mean plans are more flexible/ last minute - often the finer details of meeting aren't firmed up until the day before and the motivation is lost

Covid - so many things were cancelled last minute, there is no longer a sense of certainity when making plans

The amount of information sent/ received each day is huge, I feel overwhelmed keeping up

Life seems very busy - work, kids. I struggle to find the energy by the time the social event comes round.

I have a 7&9 yo and the difference in birthday party etiquette had changed with covid in the 2 years they were in reception. The 7yo class, very difficult getting replies off people, lots of people accepting invites then not turning up (to paid by child parties).

I also think cost of living and covid and people aren't hosting as much as they used to. We've done 2 bbqs with friends in 2 years. We would have socialised loads more in the past, invited people round for drinks/ nibbles etc. I wonder if it's the impression your house should be Instagram worth too is contributing?

We’ve just had a family christening my 2 dc’s and my sisters ds we invited 150 people expecting 100 might turn up ( tbh most of the invites came from sister) 70 turned up with our phones blowing up all day with apologies and excuses. All you can do is spend more time with the people that do turn up because they’ve shown they actually care and are there for you.

I have one group of friends who are great - give a straight yes or no, always turn up, if they ever do need to pull out it’s because there’s a very genuine good reason.

Everyone else is shocking.

I’m organising a special birthday party atm, ( not my choice, complicated, bottom line is I am😀)
I am dreading a half empty room and an uneaten buffet and am expecting people to cancel/just not turn up.
It seems to be the way it is these days 🙁
Dreading it tbh

The trick is to book a much smaller place and cater for the minimum. Better the place is packed than half empty.

Unfortunately my friend had a half empty hall for her daughters 21st last year. It was an absolutely filthy Friday night and people simply couldn't be arsed to turn up. Huge waste of money and stressful/disappointing.

It's out of order. All started with mobile phones all those years ago. I distinctly remember a friend doing that and I rapidly lost interest.
Concentrateon reliable people

I think it's also ease of cancellation nowadays. Someone can send a message and sort of detach it from any feeling/emotion and just not think about the impact at the other end. Whereas you used to have to call to cancel and actually speak to the person you were letting down.

Some of the best events I’ve been to have been stuff that I said yes to but couldn’t be bothered on the day, but attended anyway.

Sunday a couple of weeks ago. Big meet up of parents and kids in the local park. I genuinely could not be arsed on the day, not in the mood at all. Went as I said I would and it was actually a really nice afternoon and a good laugh.

Definitely. I'm a big fan of making myself go to things even if I don't feel like it on the day. You never know where life will take you.

People def flaky since covid. Then you put big efforts in to plan a date. Think Im better meet one to one now less drama with it! People cancel and dont re arrange it

Agree.
My children are very good on that score, like me they are not flaky.
But I definitely have encouraged them to be that way and also to be wary of flakes.....not worth investing in.

People are definitely worse now - it does make me stress a bit when arranging anything. I’ve stopped getting so upset though as I now expect it, which is pretty sad. I would never do that to someone unless I was genuinely unwell/major family crisis etc. Only two couples dropped out of my big birthday meal recently (a few days before), which felt like a result! Over twenty people still came…Like a previous poster, I have found that I generally enjoy events I wish I could get out of. (Some) People don’t put themselves out for others anymore.

Honestly, I’ve phased out the people who do this sort of thing. There was one group in particular where everyone pulled out at the last minute nearly every time. I just refuse their invites.

Virtually no one is so fun or interesting that they can flake more than a few times and have people still be up for arranging stuff with them.

Feeling very happy, no one flakes on me. We have a party every year and the buggers always turn up. I bet they would even if we cancelled it.

gonna have a 50th soon. I have a feeling no one will flake then. But to be honest I ensure the core group of fun people come (like 2 people) and everyone else can fuck themselves. The three of us are a party. So doesn’t matter either way and then everyone comes