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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has he cheated?

33 replies

Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 02:41

My partner and I have a newborn baby so I am unsure if I aibu and my hormones are all over the place and making me paranoid?
I went on my partners instagram to look at my profile and make sure it is definitely on private as we don’t follow eachother and I have pictures of my children on there and wanted to make sure it was definitely private. I went on explore to type in my name and it was full of naked women, this made me really upset as I’ve not long had a baby and also at the beginning of our relationship he made it clear to me that neither of us was to watch porn or look at any explicit things online. I have respected this and never looked at anything online. I confronted him in the morning and he denied it all, I was very upset and told him to leave. I expected him to go and stay with a family member and try to sort things out with me. Instead he went to the pub and got very drunk, he lied to me and told me he was at his dad’s. We share our locations with eachother so I could see he was at the pub. I phoned him later on and he answered the call outside and when he went back into the pub he put me on silent for a couple of minutes which I found very suspicious. He did not come home for a couple of nights but when he did come home he was very drunk because he had been drinking the whole time and enjoying himself. The day after he was back we had sex and he was doing new things that he had never done before. I can’t stop thinking that he has cheated and that’s where all these new things have come from. Am I just hormonal and thinking too much? I have caught him out many times lying but never cheating etc. he says he would never cheat on me but now I am unsure. Also I was crying on the phone and very upset, he did not care and was clearly enjoying how upset he was making me.

OP posts:
Chucklit · 26/07/2024 02:44

I'd advise you not to have sex with him again until you've got to the bottom of this. Why do that in the first place when you have suspicions?!

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 26/07/2024 02:48

Oh bless you, here's a very unMumsnetty hug 🤗
He's treated you abominably. You've just birthed a little human, his child & he goes and behaves like a right tool.

Hopefully he hasn't cheated & is just being a cruel twat, but still you do not deserve this behaviour from him.
Tbh he sounds like an immature little baby.
He needs to stop behaving like an idiot & grovel & make it up to you pronto!

Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 02:48

When I asked him why he put me on mute he said he didn’t but it was a wattsapp call and it told me he had, he said it must have been an accident so I decided to believe him. It wasn’t until we had sex and he was doing these new things I have really been thinking he might have. When I try and talk to him about anything he gets angry and tells me he will just leave again if I start so I don’t know what to do.

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Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 02:51

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 26/07/2024 02:48

Oh bless you, here's a very unMumsnetty hug 🤗
He's treated you abominably. You've just birthed a little human, his child & he goes and behaves like a right tool.

Hopefully he hasn't cheated & is just being a cruel twat, but still you do not deserve this behaviour from him.
Tbh he sounds like an immature little baby.
He needs to stop behaving like an idiot & grovel & make it up to you pronto!

Thank you for your message. Yeah I am just very upset as I never thought he would ever treat me this way, especially after having our baby. I really do hope he hasn’t cheated and it’s just me overthinking everything. It would completely destroy me if he ever hurt me like that.

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yhk · 26/07/2024 02:58

No one can know for sure if he has cheated, based on the information that you provided. Unless you have some evidence I don't think you should accuse him of cheating. If you take umbrage with him looking at Instagram models, take that up with him and get him to explain his twattish behaviour, leaving you with a newborn.

What lies have you caught him out on in the past?

Yourdemonsyourproblem · 26/07/2024 03:53

You don't know if he cheated so why worry yourself over it.

Catza · 26/07/2024 06:44

No, I wouldn't assume he cheated.
He follows Instagram "models" which can be upsetting if you let it be. But, he categorically doesn't cheat with any of these women. That's not how they make their money, frankly...
As far as doing "new things" while having sex it's just silly to believe that this is the proof of cheating. We all have things we want to try or tried before with previous partners but not yet with the current one.
Drinking and temper is something I would focus on as this is not OK. Stop calling him and crying as well - you asked him to leave so why are you tracking his location and calling to check up on him?

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 26/07/2024 06:45

I'm sorry OP but I think your partner is not to be trusted at all.
For a start him " telling " you what you can and can't look at on line? I'm very anti porn myself but I accept that nobody can " tell" their partner that they can't look at it. And by your discovery it seems that his intention was to make one rule for you and another for him.

You were quite justified in being upset and challenging him about your discovery.

I think his behaviour after he left is frankly awful for the father of a young baby. Going off and getting drunk for days.
And yes I would say that he has probably cheated on you.

He has definitely shown himself to be an untrustworthy partner. And not the person you thought he was.

Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 12:58

yhk · 26/07/2024 02:58

No one can know for sure if he has cheated, based on the information that you provided. Unless you have some evidence I don't think you should accuse him of cheating. If you take umbrage with him looking at Instagram models, take that up with him and get him to explain his twattish behaviour, leaving you with a newborn.

What lies have you caught him out on in the past?

Watching porn almost everyday, I wouldnt mind so much but I was annoyed as he was the one that said we are not to do it and if he ever found out I had been watching porn our relationship would be over, yet he was watching it on the sly the whole time. He promised he would never do it again and then I found out again that he had been watching it again. Obviously gave me a bullshit story about how his friend was telling him about a funny porn video on there and he was watching that, complete lies. He also has a big tattoo on his arm which he told me was his ex’s name in a different language when we got together, now claims he never told me that and I’m making things up and the truth is he got it in napa when he was on holiday with his friends and they all got the same tattoo, it’s says naypa and they thought it was funny to get napa tattoo spelt wrong? He has also spoke to a woman at work that he has a history of sleeping with about me (not good things about me) I just find it all so disrespectful.

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Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 12:59

Yourdemonsyourproblem · 26/07/2024 03:53

You don't know if he cheated so why worry yourself over it.

Because I have a bad feeling and we have a newborn baby? How can I not worry about it.

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Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 13:01

Catza · 26/07/2024 06:44

No, I wouldn't assume he cheated.
He follows Instagram "models" which can be upsetting if you let it be. But, he categorically doesn't cheat with any of these women. That's not how they make their money, frankly...
As far as doing "new things" while having sex it's just silly to believe that this is the proof of cheating. We all have things we want to try or tried before with previous partners but not yet with the current one.
Drinking and temper is something I would focus on as this is not OK. Stop calling him and crying as well - you asked him to leave so why are you tracking his location and calling to check up on him?

He’s the one that wanted us to share our locations with each other. So I just checked to see where he had gone. And I know people sometimes want to try new things which any other day I would have been totally fine with it, just strange he was doing these new things after being away for days drinking

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Geysbagahq · 26/07/2024 13:05

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 26/07/2024 06:45

I'm sorry OP but I think your partner is not to be trusted at all.
For a start him " telling " you what you can and can't look at on line? I'm very anti porn myself but I accept that nobody can " tell" their partner that they can't look at it. And by your discovery it seems that his intention was to make one rule for you and another for him.

You were quite justified in being upset and challenging him about your discovery.

I think his behaviour after he left is frankly awful for the father of a young baby. Going off and getting drunk for days.
And yes I would say that he has probably cheated on you.

He has definitely shown himself to be an untrustworthy partner. And not the person you thought he was.

Edited

Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. It just seems to be lie after lie with him. He will only admit to something if I have evidence of him lying so what’s to stop him lying about cheating? He seems different since he has come back too, I’m getting no affection and he just seems to not like me very much. This is all very upsetting for me. He promises he loves me and wants to be with me but I just don’t feel it at all. I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split our family up.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2024 13:16

I don’t claim to know if he’s cheated or not but it’s almost irrelevant because he sounds like a pig.

Hes got naked pictures of other women on his socials and yet he’s “instructed” you not to look at porn? Why does he get to police what you do if he can’t hold up his own side of the bargain. Plus he’s also a liar and a heavy drinker. Honestly what is to like?

You obviously have a small baby at the moment so don’t do anything until you are more comfortable and stabilised but I would be looking to get away from him as soon as you can. I assume you are on maternity leave now but do you have a job?

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 26/07/2024 13:22

I think the fact that he left you for a few days with a newborn baby is enough to seriously think about your future together. I couldn’t be with my partner if he was this disrespectful.

EmilyGilmoreCardiganEnergy · 26/07/2024 13:22

How old are you both?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2024 13:23

I get that cheating is your hard line but please have a think about why you accept other awful behaviour in your relationship -

Hypocrite - telling you that you can't watch pork when he does so
Lying to you about loads of stuff
Badmouthing you to his ex
Disappearing for days to get pissed
Not giving a shit when you're upset
Fawning over Instagram models

I don't think it's you who is breaking a family apart

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 26/07/2024 13:26

So even if he hasn't cheated you're fine with everything else here?

newleafontheplantjohn · 26/07/2024 13:45

Have you posted about something similar lately?

The tatoo of the ex's name that he now claims isn't the ex's name sounds familiar.

Cant remember what thread it was though.

2sisters · 26/07/2024 14:11

He's hypercritical. He will leave you if your looking at exploit things but he can do it. He's a liar and lies over and over again. Frankly, he's a shit partner and an even shiter dad if he's fucking off on benders for days.

But, he went on a several day bender, came home drunk and your response was to fuck him. What did that teach him?

Now he's threatening you, that if you argue with him, he'll be off on another bender. So basically he's on top of all his other faults and abusive prick who expects you to walk on eggshells and toe the lie.

I understand you want to keep your family together but you should do that at your expense on the expense of your child. The benefits need to outweigh the negative and frankly I don't see it.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2024 14:20

It would completely destroy me if he ever hurt me like that.

Op, you don't have the luxury of being destroyed. You have a child now and you have to keep it together for them. Don't ever allow some stupid man to ruin your life. That's just ridiculous. If you don't trust him, get rid of him. If he abuses you and treats you terribly, get rid of him. You don't need him, you really don't.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2024 15:11

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2024 13:23

I get that cheating is your hard line but please have a think about why you accept other awful behaviour in your relationship -

Hypocrite - telling you that you can't watch pork when he does so
Lying to you about loads of stuff
Badmouthing you to his ex
Disappearing for days to get pissed
Not giving a shit when you're upset
Fawning over Instagram models

I don't think it's you who is breaking a family apart

This. He’s a loser, regardless of whether or not he has cheated on you. You need to find some self respect. Losing him won’t destroy you at all, it could be the making of you. I guarantee you can do better than this pathetic man.

Get yourself back to full strength, get yourself together and get rid of him. You owe it to yourself and your baby.

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 26/07/2024 15:31

I agree OP with all the pp who have said that regardless of whether he cheated his behaviour is such that you would be much better off without him.

However, on the specifice point of whether he has cheated. The fact he lied about where he was staying and you really have no idea where he was or who with , what totally convinces me is the difference in the sex. When I met my first husband we were both students and for the first university holiday he went to his home city and I went to my home town. When we met up again I knew as soon as we had sex that he had been with someone else. The different things he wanted to do. The fact he was more confident. I just knew. And when I told him I knew he confessed he'd been with someone else. More fool me I went on and married him.
But I think if that's the gut feeling you are getting OP I'd believe it. Especially with all the other things that indicate it.

Geysbagahq · 27/07/2024 01:20

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2024 13:16

I don’t claim to know if he’s cheated or not but it’s almost irrelevant because he sounds like a pig.

Hes got naked pictures of other women on his socials and yet he’s “instructed” you not to look at porn? Why does he get to police what you do if he can’t hold up his own side of the bargain. Plus he’s also a liar and a heavy drinker. Honestly what is to like?

You obviously have a small baby at the moment so don’t do anything until you are more comfortable and stabilised but I would be looking to get away from him as soon as you can. I assume you are on maternity leave now but do you have a job?

Yes you are completely right. Yes I do have a job, I really need to do some serious thinking about what to do when baby is a bit bigger

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Geysbagahq · 27/07/2024 01:21

EmilyGilmoreCardiganEnergy · 26/07/2024 13:22

How old are you both?

I am 28 and he is 30

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Geysbagahq · 27/07/2024 01:23

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2024 13:23

I get that cheating is your hard line but please have a think about why you accept other awful behaviour in your relationship -

Hypocrite - telling you that you can't watch pork when he does so
Lying to you about loads of stuff
Badmouthing you to his ex
Disappearing for days to get pissed
Not giving a shit when you're upset
Fawning over Instagram models

I don't think it's you who is breaking a family apart

Yes you are right, I don’t know why I am concentrating so much on if he has cheated when he does all these other terrible things. I guess it’s just one more horrible, disgusting thing to add to the list

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