Furious about mums reaction to my cats death

[Lifeisrelentless]

For context, I’ve always had a strained relationship with my mum. She did a lot of things when I was growing up that I don’t think were right (mainly heavy drinking which would lead to drunken suicide threats/emotional breakdowns and me having to look after/put her to bed). I’ve always thought she was a very selfish person BUT my kids do love her and I’ve always wanted a good mother/daughter relationship so I’ve tried to put my resentful feelings aside and have a relationship with her.
When I was 17 she bought home a kitten. My mum being her usual self got bored of him within a year and wanted to give him up to an animal shelter (as she did with two kittens we had when I was younger, breaking my heart). I strongly objected to this and promised I would look after himself myself, and take him with me when I moved out. I stuck to this, taking him with me when I moved out at the age of 22. He came with me every time I moved and through the years I gained a dog and two children too. My mum had nothing to do with him other than saying hello to him when she came round. Sadly, this week we had to put him down due to kidney failure and it’s broken my heart. I text her letting her know and her response was “this makes me sad” followed by questions about when it happened etc. later on she threw in a token “I hope you are ok” I replied, no I’m heartbroken it’s awful. She replied “yea”. Then an hour later she text again saying “it’s really upset me, it’s hit me hard”. Again, absolutely no concern for me, no words of comfort or support. I didn’t reply- She has said nothing since. I’m so so angry she has made it all about herself when I am devastated. I’m actually tempted to cut contact completely but I don’t know if I’m being completely dramatic due to my current heartbroken state. Aibu to tell her just how angry I am about the way she reacted, or do I just leave it and not say anything? Sorry for the long post!!

Cut her off.

😵‍💫

All I can say is she isn’t going to change, I know you expected more from her and it probably hurts to hear this but I don’t know why you expected anything different from her given everything you’ve written in your OP.

Sorry for the loss of you cat x

I'd leave it until you process the grief and then tell her she had no right to respond like that when she treated the cat like a nuisance after she got bored with him/her. I don't think you should cut her put of yours and your children's lives though.

The loss of a pet is heartbreaking, be glad you gave them the home they deserved.

What did you want her to say? You probably needed to speak to her direct if you wanted more. I probably would have replied in a similar way to be honest. Im sorry about your cat though.

I'm really sorry about your cat OP. It's very hard losing a much loved pet.

Sounds to me as though your Mum's reaction is the straw that broke the camel 's back. That you have put up with so much from her and this is just too much.

Given what you have said I think cutting off contact with her would be perfectly reasonable. Put your own welfare first.

You have two choices here, cut her off or ignore it. What I will say though is if you try and come at her with both barrels for this she is unlikely to understand and will absolutely make it all about herself. From what you've said about your childhood she is not someone who is very good at thinking of others.

To give a personal example by narcissistic father did this when our dog died, he always hated the dog and ignored her when he lived with us, fast forward 12 years and myself, and my mother + sister were heartbroken when she was put down. He sent repeated messages to me saying how upset he was, he couldn't think straight or eat properly. It was the most bizarre reaction and like you I was absolutely livid. I did try to mention to him how it wasn't about him but he ignored it and continued fake crying-so perhaps bare this in mind! Sorry to hear about your cat x

The issue is expecting anything else really.

You know what she’s like. You don’t have a good relationship - you just pretend to.

I’m sorry about your cat - it’s utterly heartbreaking to lose them.

Overreaction due to your sadness.

I think some of your reaction here is caused by your upset. Nothing she wrote was really so bad, and I think you should wait and read it back when you are calmer.

It’s never a good idea to judge people’s feeling or intentions in a text conversation and it is often very hard to know what to write when someone is upset. I think you probably have other good reason to be upset with your mum and as you are upset now because of your cat, there’s a possibility you’re projecting emotion from one thing onto another.

I think some of your upset is over how she treated the cat in the past, which noone can change now.

Unfortunately this, and another thing is you knew she wanted nothing to do with the cat and didn’t care so probably no point telling her the cat passed away x

What on earth did you expect her to say?

She expressed she was sad about the cats death. She asked how you were. She then follows up later expressing sadness. What is wrong with you? You text her…she replies expressing sadness and asks how you are.

Look at the behaviour, not the words. She is trying to communicate with you. She hasn’t ignored you or brushed off the event …and you’re still not happy.

If you want to cut off your mother because of past events, sure. But this is a complete overreaction because you’re upset by the loss of your pet

You are way overreacting here.

This.

Exactly this. I don’t understand what else you expected from her in that instance.
Cut her off for your past if you want, that’s fine but trying to do that over this text exchange is an overreaction

I’m so sorry about your lovely cat

I think she is sad and upset because you are heartbroken. She may not care much for pets, but she obviously cares about you and your feelings, the hope you are ok probably wasn’t a token text.

I think you are being overly harsh. It’s ok to be angry for her not being present when you were a kid due to her own issues and addiction, but I can’t see any reason to be angry about how she is reacting to your very elderly cat dying.

Oh OP. Many of the previous replies sound like they come from people who simply haven’t experienced selfish, self absorbed useless mothers.

Hit her hard? The fuck it has.
Your reaction doesn’t surprise me, and I don’t think it’s over the top ❤️

She’s a shit mother, and if you want to cut her off - do it. You could wait a week until you’re out of the immediacy of the situation - but if you still feel that way, she certainly deserves it. It’s not about this one attention seeking stunt over your cat - it’s just that it represents all of the rest of the shit she’s put you through.

This ^
Sorry about your cat, it seems he shared so many important moments of your adult life with you.
I think you are overreacting a bit. If your mum is not very understanding person in general you shouldn’t expect a perfect response from her. She tried to make a conversation( probably to support you) and expressed sadness about the death of cat. Cut her some slack in this situation.

thanks everyone I appreciate the opinions (except to perhaps the person that said “what Is wrong with you” tad harsh). I accept that I may well be overreacting due to already being very emotional, I also agree that I probably shouldn’t have expected a different response really. I’ll let the dust settle and see how I feel about it all once I’m not so upset, but I won’t say anything in the meantime x

I actually don't think you're over reacting. That cat has been your family for all of your adult life.

I'd stop speaking to her, but I've cut people off for less. I am not close to my family and have little to do with them. You could take a break from her while your process your grief and message in a few months time. She will likely make it all about herself again, but at least then you don't have to deal with her being selfish and thoughtless in the meantime. You might find it a relief, I often do when I stop speaking to people.

This woman is someone for whom other people's emotions aren't really... Real.
As evidenced by her just discarding pets even though you were attached to them.
So, I don't think you'd ever get empathy/sympathy.
I think her telling you she was upset is as close to an empathy response as she is ever likely to come.
She was probably aware an emotional reaction was appropriate/expected... And that's the best she could do.
Almost feel sorry for her in a way, that's one hell of a stunted response.
Also feel sorry for you, for never having a warm loving relationship with your mum.

But pity rather than anger would probably make as much sense.
Why is she so stone hearted?

Seek your condolences elsewhere, and accept she's just wooden and take her as she is... If that's too painful, then fade away... But she's not going to get a new personality now no matter how nice it sells be if she did.

Sympathy op.

She expressed she was sad about the cats death. She asked how you were. She then follows up later expressing sadness. What is wrong with you? You text her…she replies expressing sadness and asks how you are.

That all sounds normal to me. I've never expected anything more from anyone when my pets have died. I've probably not given much more myself.

Some people are big emoters, others care just as much, but in fewer words. I'm one of the latter, and being in receipt of much emoting from others makes me uncomfortable.

I suspect that you and your mum are different from each other in that respect.