Furious about mums reaction to my cats death

[Lifeisrelentless]

For context, I’ve always had a strained relationship with my mum. She did a lot of things when I was growing up that I don’t think were right (mainly heavy drinking which would lead to drunken suicide threats/emotional breakdowns and me having to look after/put her to bed). I’ve always thought she was a very selfish person BUT my kids do love her and I’ve always wanted a good mother/daughter relationship so I’ve tried to put my resentful feelings aside and have a relationship with her.
When I was 17 she bought home a kitten. My mum being her usual self got bored of him within a year and wanted to give him up to an animal shelter (as she did with two kittens we had when I was younger, breaking my heart). I strongly objected to this and promised I would look after himself myself, and take him with me when I moved out. I stuck to this, taking him with me when I moved out at the age of 22. He came with me every time I moved and through the years I gained a dog and two children too. My mum had nothing to do with him other than saying hello to him when she came round. Sadly, this week we had to put him down due to kidney failure and it’s broken my heart. I text her letting her know and her response was “this makes me sad” followed by questions about when it happened etc. later on she threw in a token “I hope you are ok” I replied, no I’m heartbroken it’s awful. She replied “yea”. Then an hour later she text again saying “it’s really upset me, it’s hit me hard”. Again, absolutely no concern for me, no words of comfort or support. I didn’t reply- She has said nothing since. I’m so so angry she has made it all about herself when I am devastated. I’m actually tempted to cut contact completely but I don’t know if I’m being completely dramatic due to my current heartbroken state. Aibu to tell her just how angry I am about the way she reacted, or do I just leave it and not say anything? Sorry for the long post!!

I think I understand. She didn't care enough about the cat to look after him herself, and then when you could really use some support she makes it more about her own feelings. I'm surprised by the responses telling you you're overreacting.

We lost a much loved pet a few years ago, young and in a traumatic way. We were absolutely broken, I cried daily for weeks. My MIL (who had met said pet several times but lives a distance away - had maybe looked after pet by herself once, for a couple hours?) reacted in a similar way - in fact, she asked for one of my favourite photos of said pet and secretly had a portrait drawn of them... for herself. Then told me about it like I should be delighted for her? Or maybe jealous? It felt super weird and grief vulture-y. I don't doubt that she was upset but it certainly wasn't helpful to me. So, I get it!

I'm really sorry about your cat, OP. It sounds like you gave him a wonderful, stable home, with so much love and care. I know how awful it feels now, but it will get easier with time. Take care of yourself.

She's an emotional vampire trying to feed off your sadness and get attention for herself, she will not give attention to you . A great second prize would be the getting attention from conflict, don't give her that. You have every right to expect care and respect from your mother but she's unable to give it. It's sad and disappointing and she's let you down continuously, but you need to accept she is like this and not let her use you or your children to feed her own needs.

OP - I don't think you're overreacting at all. I had a similar situation when I told my mum I had to take my cat to the vet as she was very ill. In fact, she had to be PTS and I was devastated.

My mum text about four days later asking how she was and I said she'd been PTS and she just said 'sorry to hear that'. No other follow up, no card or flowers, nothing. I don't have any children so that cat was very important to me. Other friends and family sent flowers and cards, which I was really appreciative of. She was very much a part of mine and my husband's family (we have other animals too).

My mother is emotionally absent, always has been and this is a typical response from her but it doesn't hurt any less just because I expect it. There will always be a part of me that hopes she will be loving and understanding but it never happens.

I don't think what she said was that terrible, so I think its more to do with the stuff you mention earlier in your post and this was the final straw and just reminded you of how disappointing she is. Obviously if this causes you to re-assess your relationship that's totally okay.

Only you know what sort of person your mum is. I don't actually think her reaction to the cat dying is terrible. It could just be her trying to say she cares about what's happened.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Perfectly normal responses, you're massively over reacting. Thought I was going to read that she shrugged and said she didn't care.

You could be transferring your anger about your early relationship with her. But her reaction here is reasonable.

If you keep expecting her to be the Mum you wished for/hoped for/wanted her to be, you will keep being disappointed and let down like this.

Either accept her for who she is, which sounds like, not particularly empathic, not compassionate, not really very nice...

Or, cut her off.

But to carry on expecting her to be someone she is not and has never been is only going to hurt you in the long run.

I wish I'd known that when my awful Mother was alive, but it has certainly helped me cope with my Dad who is equally a fairly shitty person.

There is nothing wrong with your mother’s response. She expressed sadness and even followed up.

On it's own, I can't see what you are "furious" about. She acknowledged the death and asked if you are ok? Ok, so she centred herself a bit, but she's always been like that. ETA: so sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss OP 💐 it sounds like your mum has always been self-centered so it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that her response is only about how she feels and not showing concern for you. I wouldn't cut her off right now, as you say you're feeling very upset and emotional at the moment. Give yourself some time and maybe reduce contact a bit in the future.

I don't see the problem.

Me neither.

I agree. You sound quite emotional - understandably - but people often find it hard to know what to say when pets die. Miscarriage can be similar. I think she was trying to convey that she cared; she probably expected you to say she never cared for him and didn’t want you to feel that. And maybe she felt guilty and it really did hit her hard.
I think you are feeling emotional and taking umbrage where it isn’t really due. Mind -boggled that people are saying go NC .

Horrid to have pet go
I needed boxes of hankies

Your mother has emotional limitations, you know this. I genuinely think she was trying her best to be sympathetic.

This,

I mean conversation by text is never ideal, but I read what you have posted as her being empathetic and really supportive.

As others have said, your relationship outside of this might be something you want to look at separately, but there is nothing wrong with your Mum's response to this situation. Indeed, it seems very thoughtful and supportive to me.