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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a hand hold please

75 replies

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 25/07/2024 03:35

My dad was admitted to hospital a fortnight ago after suddenly becoming unwell with his diagnosis of cancer.

He has it in his hip, kidneys and a lump on his breast. The plan was a hip replacement at the end of the month and then radiotherapy. Then they would work on the rest.

He has now gotten worse before any of that could be done.

I have seen him daily for 2 weeks and after spending the morning at his bedside I got a call within an hour to come back. They said they wouldn't be surprised if he didn't last an hour.

12 hours later in say in the same chair watching every breath with no idea when it may happen.

He's been on a syringe drive for a few days now and hasn't eaten in a fortnight but was on fluids by drip.

His breathing is laboured but steady.

I have no idea what to expect or when to expect it. I'm so tired and run down I feel sick. But I can't leave him.

And I can't even think about what comes after. I've spent 2 weeks being strong for him.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just sat here feeling very very sad.

OP posts:

hby9628 · 29/07/2024 22:19

I went back to work a couple of days after my dad died for exactly the same reasons. Not sure I've been doing a great job though! It's hard. I've been up & down. I thought I was doing okay then the funeral set me back again.
Be kind to yourself and just take it a day at a time.

Apolloneuro · 29/07/2024 22:45

Sorry for your loss. Do you have people supporting you in real life? xx

EveningSunlight · 29/07/2024 22:54

I'm so sorry OP, you've been through a horrible time and are in the eye of the storm with all the funeral planning and death admin and the estate to deal with, alongside grief and processing what you've been through at the hospital.

My mum died in hospital in early May and I remember feeling the way you describe in one of your earlier posts, tired and broken.

I'm almost three months on and it does get easier as time passes.

Like you, I went back to work as soon as I could, for me it was a lifeline and helped me feel there was some normality in my life.

needtobefree · 29/07/2024 22:58

I'm so sorry OP. I sat with my Dad in hospital as he passed away and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. He was lucky to have you there, and you're right it seemed like he didn't want to go with you sat beside him. He protected you to the end.

stonebrambleboy · 29/07/2024 22:58

Tell us Once is the document you need to inform government agencies.
When I dealt with my aunt's affairs the bank froze her accounts but paid the funeral costs directly to the Funeral Director. I did the probate online it was very easy no solicitor involved. I think for the amount your dad has you may not need to bother.
Sorry for your loss.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/07/2024 06:33

Don't forget to notify any insurance companies if your Dad had life insurance. A solicitor can help with probate but I did it online, much cheaper and quite easy. Hooe you're doing OK Op

Original poster

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 30/07/2024 07:12

Thank you so much for the replies.

Once I have the death cert I'll be informing everyone. Was going to get 3 copies as I think some will need a genuine rather than a copy?

I suspect I'm feeling a but numb recently and I'm not sure how that will end. Maybe the funeral like someone mentioned.

Today he is being collected by the funeral director from hospital and they will dress him. I can then go and visit him before the funeral.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlonk · 30/07/2024 07:22

Handhold coming your way OP. You must be exhausted. Over the years I’ve come to realise that it’s good to have an ending where you get the opportunity to say everything you need to say before someone dies.
Yes to getting about 3 copies of death certificate now - it’s much easier to get copies at the time than sending off for extras - lots of places will want originals rather than copies.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

charlieinthehaystack · 30/07/2024 07:51

Sending love and hugs. Been through this twice and both times it nearly broke me. when mum died I cannot remember sleeping eating going to the loo nothing. I had two young children and a difficult marriage, when I was with mum I wanted to be at home and vice versa. The Drs cannot give accurate predictions of time my mum fought all the way and stayed a lot longer than expected but it was no sort of living, Please keep talking they say hearing is the last to go talking in a calm soft voice will keep them peaceful. chat about memories say what you want to say other wise later you may have regrets

HS1990 · 30/07/2024 07:53

So sorry for your loss OP. Sending huge hugs

Wightkat · 30/07/2024 07:59

Just wanted to say I’m in a similar position, currently sat watching mum sleep and wondering how much longer, im
so tired and she is so sick poor thing. Sending love to you and your Dad xx

Original poster

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 30/07/2024 14:16

I'm sorry to those who have been through this or are currently going through it.

I'm off to the registrar shortly to collect the death certificate and I have a video call with the pastor later that will do my dad's service.

This morning I managed to close my dad's accounts that didn't need death certificates.

OP posts:

Apolloneuro · 30/07/2024 14:26

Bless you, @Wightkat xx

CompletelyLost24 · 30/07/2024 14:36

Sorry OP.

It’s really awful. My dad had a heart attack and dropped down dead a month ago. He was fine in the morning, had been to his usual exercise class, completely normal day, dropped my mum shopping in town and said to call him when she was ready to be picked up. She called but there was no answer. Came home and found him already gone. My only solace is that I think it was very quick and he knew nothing about what was going to happen. It looked like he was midway through taking out the recycling to the bins, as if he’d had a completely normal afternoon.

We were incredibly close and he was a huge part of our everyday lives, and was especially involved with my kids.

It’s been the worst few weeks of my life. We had the funeral last week.

Good luck at the registrar today. Just a heads up- the registrar who I dealt with was very matter of fact, and seemed to stick to a strict script/slightly robotic. Whilst it was a surprise, it was probably intentional and a good thing- every time someone has said something kind or asked how we’re doing I completely dissolve. I guess it’s their own way of getting through the paperwork efficiently.

Original poster

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 01/08/2024 22:14

I viewed my dad today at the funeral directors and I'm wishing I hadn't. I can't get the image or the smell out of my head.

OP posts:

TreadLightly3 · 01/08/2024 22:23

So sorry for your loss @VeryTiredAndVerySad and for your experience today. I had a similar experience with a close relative and thought it would stay forever but it has very much faded and I just remember him alive now. I hope and expect the same will happen for you eventually xx

Daleksatemyshed · 01/08/2024 23:11

@VeryTiredAndVerySad I didn't want to say to you that you shouldn't go to see your Dad but I wish I had now. Viewing someone at the undertakers should be comforting but it's not, it's a confirmation that they've gone. Remember your Dad as he was, not as he was today

Original poster

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 02/08/2024 07:04

Deep down I knew I wouldn't like it. But his partner wanted to say goodbye and wouldn't go on her own. I didn't want to regret depriving her of that.
They just don't look the same do they.

OP posts:

Original poster

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 07/08/2024 07:15

Today is the funeral. I'm feeling very numb this week and I'm a bit worried that may continue to the funeral.
It feels like all my emotions have been locked away where I can't access them.

Today needs to be the day I say my goodbyes to him. Part of it all just doesn't feel real.

OP posts:

Lemons1571 · 07/08/2024 07:20

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 07/08/2024 07:15

Today is the funeral. I'm feeling very numb this week and I'm a bit worried that may continue to the funeral.
It feels like all my emotions have been locked away where I can't access them.

Today needs to be the day I say my goodbyes to him. Part of it all just doesn't feel real.

Today doesn’t need to be a landmark, and you don’t need to achieve saying goodbye in any particular timeframe. Grieving is a process and it takes as long as it takes. Hope it goes as well as it can for you.

Zonder · 07/08/2024 07:27

Thinking of you today. Do you have support around you?

SauvignonBlonk · 07/08/2024 07:30

This is exactly why we have funerals OP. They usually really help consolidate the emotions and allow us to say Goodbye officially.
I sadly had to miss one last year and I still need to do something to mark the ending of her life.
Am holding your hand OP. 💐

Highonthehillsisalonelygoatherd · 07/08/2024 07:45

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear dad. Praying that the service goes smoothly this morning and that you feel peace.
I lost my dad very unexpectedly at the start of this year and I think I'm still in shock. It still doesn't feel real at all. Grief is a funny thing, it affects us all differently.

Diplidocus4 · 07/08/2024 13:27

Thinking of you today xxx

Original poster

VeryTiredAndVerySad · 07/08/2024 20:32

The service was emotional but lovely. I definitely chose a good funeral director. Then we had the wake and it was so nice to share stories about my dad and hear others.

I'm scattering his ashes on Friday on a rose bed at our local crematorium where his mum and some of his brothers are scattered. And I'm going to order a memorial bench with a nice plaque so people can sit and think about their loves ones.

OP posts:

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