To not invite colleague?

[BradleyJekins]

I work in a mid sized team of 20 which is fairly evenly split in terms of gender.

I’ve become close with two women and we went out last weekend and a photo was posted. A different colleague then messaged me on Teams so say “why wasn’t I invited?”

I just feel like just because we’re colleagues means I have to spend my free time with her and if it were a team of four then of course I’d never exclude her - but at least 7 others weren’t invited.

It’s hard to know whether they were genuinely disappointed they weren’t invited, making a joke or just spoiling for a fight because they like conflict.

Although in any case, unless she was a close friend that you have recently dropped, you don’t owe her an explanation. I would be tempted to just ignore the message.

You did nothing wrong OP from what you've stated.

I'd just ignore the comment. If she pushes it I'd just say

Oh it was just us three having a catchup.....

Try to downplay it. Even if she was disappointed she was not invited, it would have been better if she'd kept thoughts to herself.

Was the message to all 3 of you or just to you?

I’d reply and say “oh it wasn’t a work thing”, absolutely fine not to invite everyone in the situation you’ve described

From your post you’re looking for validation that it was ok to exclude her. Of course you can choose who you spend your time with but be careful that you’re not seen as excluding someone and into bullying territory. It’s a fine line in the workplace isn’t it.

Are the four of you similar ages, or go for lunch together, been out before together, or work on the same project? That’s the grey area that can make someone feel they’re being deliberately excluded from a clique.

Of course this person may have sent the email to tease you for banter and everything is good. If they did put in a complaint are there other things they could point to?

Yes you can socialise with who you want to but yes you could also be disciplined at work if there are other mitigating circumstances in addition to being excluded from a night out.

Is there a reason you don’t want her there?

Continue to go out with who you want but make sure you’re not excluding her from the clique when at work so she doesn’t have a basis to complain of bullying in the worst case scenario.

Ignore and don’t post pictures next time.

It wasnt a work thing. When a work social comes up you'll be thr first to know ;)

Posted where?

Don't have colleagues on SM if you don't want to socialise with them. Don't post non-work social pictures on work channels if you don't want colleagues to comment

I agree to reply that it wasn't a work thing. Then see what she replies.

Was she joking? It's so ridiculous I'd be inclined to reply as if she is, but I can't think of a witty comeback.

How close are you with them compared to the 7 that didn't go?

I don't agree with the 'ignore the message' comments this is confirming without saying that you have an issue with them.

I would also ignore comments that it leaves you open to bullying claims because they weren't invited. You are grown ups not 5 year olds in the playground. You invite who you want and if someone were going down the bullying route you would then be inviting everyone to every event.

In this case I would say 'it was just the 3 of us having a catchup, no one else'.

Ultimately though how close you are with them determines the response. Maybe they think they are closer than you think. Stop the picture posts though...you 3 need to agree that.

Breezily Oh, it wasn't a work thing

@Maddy70 is spot on

You say your in a team of 20 and that 7 people were not invited so it does sound like you are deliberately excluding people when 13 out of 20 people had been invited from your team.

I’ve become close with two women and we went out last weekend and a photo was posted where was this photo posted? Perhaps review your settings?

Don't post photos on social media... simples

Feeling excluded is horrible. I remember working with two women and not once was I invited out to lunch. To this day I don’t know if I did anything to offend them. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. I don’t care now anyway as I earn twice as much as they do.

I read it as it was just the three of them, and the seven relates to just the women in the team.

I could be wrong though.

What a rude question.
Reply "it wasn't a work thing".
No apology.
No one's business what you do, or who you see outside of work hours.
Bizarre.

This is a brilliant response.

Don’t have colleagues on social media. Has she messaged the others

Is there a reason why you didn’t invite her or are you just more friendly with your two colleagues?

Where was the photo posted? Private social media? Is she a friend on there if so?

No, the others are obviously your actual friends and not just colleagues. I do this all the time, so does everyone.

In my previous role there were 4 of us who were great pals and then others that weren’t. The 4 of us went out often together and that’s fine, we went to each others weddings, kids christenings etc. No need to justify to others.
Good response of “it wasn’t a work thing”