AIBU? Baby feeds, husband says I am.

[MumofHennHals]

My little boy was premature by 6 weeks & had a few issues with acid reflux. He doesn't love milk, he just has it because he has too! He's now 16 weeks old ( 10 weeks corrected )

My partner says I'm being unreasonable for not wanting other people ( nans etc on both sides ) to feed him.

He has to feed In a certain way and getting food into him is a challenge, the best he does is 21oz a day and that worries me!

Am I really being unreasonable?

And is it bad he only has 21oz in 24 hours, he sleeps through almost now... I dunno what else I can do to make him take more, he poops and wees and is supers smiley

I think it's perfectly normal to be overprotective with a premature baby that has acid reflux and is difficult to feed.

He's only 10 weeks old, your husband and your parents need to back off for a while.

I think you know best. Do not let him pressure you!

I suppose it’s each to their own. I’ve always loved the bond my children have had with their grandparents and aunties/uncles. I took great pleasure in watching my mum/mil/sister feed and care for my babies (first with reflux and later diagnosed Ehlers Danlos) but not everybody is the same. If you showed them how to feed the baby and observed a couple of times to make sure they did it right- would that be so terrible?

Some on mumsnet have a very different view, but I’m very lucky to have a lovely family that have played a very active role in my children’s life, and IMO that’s the best way.

No one needs to feed your baby to bond with them.

You know how to feed him best, you'd just end up annoyed if they tried and it caused an issue with your boy.

My youngest was tube fed for a year and had to be held and positioned a certain way due to reflux as well, carry on as you are, grandma can feed him when he's old enough for solids.

How much does your baby weigh, OP? Noone can say if 21oz is enough unless we know his weight.

Feeding your baby is life sustaining and paced feeding approach (sitting baby quite upright, pausing between ounces etc) is all really important for the developing digestive system. Your husband thinks baby is a toy!

No you’re not unreasonable. Jesus I could have written this post myself.

your Gorg baby was born a prem, it’s very worrying. Then they are having reflux problems, and you know that feeding them a certain way helps reduce the uncomfortable-ness.

do what works for you, it won’t be forever. Reflux massively improved when we started weaning! You got his mumma!

I personally don’t think that not feeding a baby milk really has much to do with being an active part of a child’s life.

you can do many other things.

My babies are breastfed and so others haven’t ever fed them. They bonded just fine with their Dad and our extended families. Your baby is not a toy you need to share. Trust yourself mama.

IMHO you are being quite overprotective and precious about the whole thing. The whole "it's normal to be overprotective" attitude of some people here smacks of control..

what’s wrong with wanting control of your prem baby’s feeding?

Your baby, your decision. Nobody else has a right to play mummy. They can bond with him in plenty of other ways.

He was 10lb 12oz last Friday at his weigh in, he's on the 9th centile

Another preemie mum here - frantically typing a response before getting my own little guy up for the day so excuse any rambling!

My DS was born at 31 weeks. Also had reflux.

NO ONE can understand what preemie/ NICU parents have gone through. Its a massive trauma. Nobody gets to decide how/ when you feel comfortable to ‘share’ your baby. It’s hard. Take a breath and acknowledge how far you’ve come, and know you’re doing a great job.

I also wouldn’t let anyone but my husband feed our little guy because it was too stressful. This is your baby. You have been through ENOUGH to get them here. No one is entitled to do any of his care just because they’re family. They should be supporting you, and understanding that you will naturally be feeling anxious/ hormonal as a new mother, never mind everything else you’ve been through.

I imagine it’s similar for you in that you’ve gone from celebrating every extra ml that they can manage via NG, and obsessing over the intake per day, on a rigid schedule, to going home and suddenly you’re expected to start feeding on demand and relax about it all.

My DS was always a hungry boy, so no experience of a smaller appetite but I can say that plenty of his friends were lighter eaters, still are now at 18 months! But honestly, nobody on here is going to be able to tell you it’s ‘enough’ per day or not. If he’s gaining weight and having wet/ dirty nappies then it would indicate hes getting ‘enough’. But nobody knows your baby like you and your neonatal consultant does. Are you able to contact them? I found our unit to a great support after we were discharged because my HV didn’t really have any preemie experience.

Just remember that when you have a breastfed baby you have no idea how much they are drinking you just use the other signs - plenty of wet nappies, alert when awake and sleeps.

Grey rock about others feeding him "when he's weaned".

You can set the boundaries it is a bonding thing for you and your child. It is natural for you to want to nurish and protect your child.

Would MIL be breastfeeding you child??? He is not a doll.

So the dad and grandparents needs are more important than the baby's needs? They are being selfish. They are not owed anything, they need to let the baby get food on the most comfortable way and be patient.

Feeding is a bonding experience. Whilst he’s little it’s important for primary caregivers to feed baby. This is the advice friends got from NCT btw. Breastfed babies can only be fed by mum!

Your DH is wrong. Tell him to stop being so spineless and tell his mum No.

It is completely natural to be protective of a prem baby, and to want to pay close attention to his feeding. That is your every instinct so don't be pressured to do otherwise.

There is absolutely no need for your MIL to develop a bond at this early stage. Your baby is not a communal toy and there would be no benefit to your child. She is thinking only of herself.

I breastfed mine so nobody but me fed them by default.

They have a lovely bond with their family too. My parents have always played an active role. They're teenagers now who regularly drive over to see their grandparents of their own volition.

There are plenty of ways to play an active role and bond, feeding doesn't have to be one of them.

This is terrible advice and I feel you’ve misunderstood, the nct does not advise sole feeding by mother.

Well no, it sounds like he'd quite like to feed his own baby. I get not lettimg grandparents but i don't subscribe to the mumsnet view that mum makes the decisions over dad, dad is an equal parent to mum and has the same rights and if baby is bottle fed of course dad should sometimes be able to feed baby?!

Obviously it's entirely your choice. But in my experience, some people are instinctively good at baby feeding-so maybe worth giving someone else a try.

Incidentally, if he's putting on weight, he's getting enough milk. Some babies are slower growers than others-but putting on enough weight so he doesn't drop percentiles is a pretty good indicator that he's doing OK.

Sorry have i misread OP? Do you let baby's dad feed him?

Nope - crack on as you are, OP. Cannot see a need for others to feed baby in order to bond, especially when there have been some complications. I'd keep things light and make it clear it's just about the feeding - i.e. say something like: "I'll just finish up here and then I think someone wants a big cuddle from grandma!".

We've had similar with naps. DD would only nap in the pram. Relatives would offer to push her, but the novelty of having someone other than boring mum or dad meant she would just giggle at them for an hour and come back without having slept a wink. After entertaining this for a bit I ended up just telling them that I'd get her off to sleep (5-10 mins max) on my own and then anyone was free to join and push her.

Far more important that young babies get properly fed/sleep than relatives get to play dollies for a bit!

Regarding your other questions on milk intake, I'm not too sure about volumes but if he's following the same centile, has plenty of wet nappies, and generally seems content (you said he's super smiley) then I would try not to worry, but just keep going with the weight clinic appointments, and make sure you share any concerns with them.