AIBU? Baby feeds, husband says I am.

[MumofHennHals]

My little boy was premature by 6 weeks & had a few issues with acid reflux. He doesn't love milk, he just has it because he has too! He's now 16 weeks old ( 10 weeks corrected )

My partner says I'm being unreasonable for not wanting other people ( nans etc on both sides ) to feed him.

He has to feed In a certain way and getting food into him is a challenge, the best he does is 21oz a day and that worries me!

Am I really being unreasonable?

And is it bad he only has 21oz in 24 hours, he sleeps through almost now... I dunno what else I can do to make him take more, he poops and wees and is supers smiley

Ds2 had severe reflux and was under a paediatrician. We also had to feed him in a particular position which we learned from him because I was with him 24/7.

Luckily both our Mums understood that feeding is just one tiny part of a baby's life and you can have a bond with a baby you don't feed, just like all Dads whose partners/wives breastfeed.

Your Dh is being silly and needs to understand that although they feed lots now as they get older it is longer between feeds so plenty of time for grandparents to hold the baby.

If you and husband are feeding and you don't want others to - not unreasonable. If husband isn't allowed to - unreasonable. He needs to bond and learn techniques and parent also.

I think from your post that he is doing feeds but not the grandparents, but am not certain!

Each to their own, it's completely up to you. You just need to live with the fact 50% of people will agree with you and 50% of people will think you're being precious.

I think you sound like a dedicated caring parent, and because you do care, I would suggest that training some back-up how to feed & look after DC properly, and letting them practice while you are around to observe/correct, is not a bad strategy. My FIL cared for our DC for a couple of days when I was too sick to stand and DH had a huge deadline. My sibling took DC as a 3-month-old, when a relative was about to pass away and DH and I went to be with them in hospital. It's a weight off my mind to know we have family who will help, and do it right, so that DC is not confused.

Just wanted to reassure you from a nicu nurse! Doing the calculation we do when we feed baby's on the unit your little one should be taking between 600-660mls in a 24 hour period which is 21-22oz so don't stress that he's having enough

Does your DH feed him? He should be the first other person to do so.

I wouldn't be precious about it.
I would fo the first however many ounces are normal, then see if someone else can get him to take some more

You are not being 'overprotective' or 'precious' OP 🙄

And you are not being unreasonable. It sounds like at the minute your little one has very specific needs that you are very good and understanding and managing.

There are lots of other ways other family members can bond with him and he's still tiny so there is lots of time for them to do it.

I had a 34 weeker who was bottle fed after bf failed. I felt the same as you OP, I couldn't bear it when other people touched her. I was heartbroken when I had to leave her in NICU and go to the ward alone after she was born. It's a primal thing - you've been together 24/7 up to that point. Your baby is still so tiny and what you feel is normal and understandable. There's no need for anyone else to do feeds.

What they want at this stage is irrelevant and your OH needs to accept that.

Specific needs that the babies other parent also needs to learn. You know, 50% of their DNA?

No one needs to feed your baby to bond with them in the long run. If they did, no dad would ever bond with their breastfed baby.

Right now your baby is tiny. They were literally inside you a few weeks ago. Their bond with extended family isn't important compared to their bond with you at this stage. Do what makes you feel comfortable, a happy mum is the best thing for a baby.

You are not unreasonable. It's your choice. You and husband are first to do these things

I would get the help the nans can offer if the understand and can do a feed but your husband abd they have no right to expect to do the job.

i hope you are at least letting your husband do a share of the feeding. Slippery slope if not, don’t push him out of it because you think only you can do it

Sorry but are you saying a babys father has 'no right' to expect to feed his own child. Because ultimately you're incorrect, he has the same parental rights? This is why so many children get to 3/4 and 'only mum can settle them' leaving mum trapped, stuck doing all the parenting - its because Dad wasn't allowed a look in.

Mum of two here who has only ever fed her babies herself (breast fed) no not even dad shock - They both have an amazing bond with their dad (who takes a very active role in every other aspect of their care) and their extended family.

You have to do best by your child and if that means feeding yourself to give you the peace of mind that he's being fed properly then so be it. There are hundreds of other ways to bond with a baby other than feeding them

This has got nothing to do with dad feeding his own child. The OP isn’t talking about Dad, she’s talking about other relatives.

Why are people so obsessed with feeding a baby to "bond"?

YANBU. Our 36 weekend (2nd centile) had feeding problems and it was so very stressful. If relatives or friends don't have the knack and cause distress for your baby then just hold your ground. They'd be making the baby uncomfortable and unhappy, and for what?

You know best and the grandparents should grow up.

The Op hasn't said anything about not letting the Dad feed him. She specifically said the issue is about "nans on both sides etc"

Not even a premie and no, I wouldn’t want this either - they’re not play things. YANBU

YANBU! My DD wasn’t premature but was just never bothered by milk, every ounce was a struggle. She is still just as unbothered by food as a toddler! Only myself or my partner would ever give her, her bottle otherwise she’d just get frustrated and take even less. There is no need for others to feed a baby in order to bond!

YANBU. At all
as a mum to a baby with severe reflux and CMPA i sympathise. We’ve had our battles with feeding from day one and several hospital admissions and feeding tubes.
baby is now 5 months and thriving through us learning exactly how best to feed him and knowing his cues during every bottle as to how it’s going to go!
all of which is too much to teach other family for the odd bottle feed and also too much to expect of them to do it correctly. It honestly used to stress me out when my mum or MIL used to grab the bottle and attempt a feed. I’m much more vocal about it not happening now!
we were also told by health visitor that it’s best that only parents should feed baby for bonding reasons.

Just tell your DH no means no and to stop asking again if he has any respect for your wishes. Tell him YOU need his support, not his wider family and that he needs to get on your side and support your decisions. It doesn’t matter what we all think on here, this is about your DH respecting you and your choices for your baby.

My lb is 5.5months old. Only my partner, my dd13 and myself have ever fed him or changed his nappy (not dd). He's not going to be a baby for long, il be back at work soon and I enjoy the bonding time with him so if you want to be involved in his life you need to respect my boundaries. Grandparents got to enjoy it when their children were young, this is my time.
May sound harsh to some but it's how I feel.

If it helps the NHS website recommends that only one or two main caregivers (ie parents) bottle feed the baby.

He’s tiny, accusations of preciousness can fuck right off. Until very recently he was literally inside you, of course you want to feed and care for him yourself. He’s a person not a play thing people get to “have a turn with”. Your partner should want what’s best for your baby and for you, not undermine your wishes or instincts. I bf and my babies have incredible bonds with their father and grandparents. Stand firm.