Life insurance/death benefits

[ChandlersMum]

I kind of am being unreasonable, because I know this is coming from a position of privilege. I suppose my question is, in my position am I unreasonable to be annoyed at my partners attitude to this/worried about the future.

Also apologies for the length. I just need to rant.

We both have life insurance and pensions, but if one of us died we'd leave the other in very different financial positions.

If I died I'd be leaving him:
Decreasing life cover of £400k (mortgage +£150k)
Death in service benefit of approx £180k (at this time)
Pension payments (variable depending on if I died now or in 10 years etc)
Bereavement support payment (assuming what I've read is correct) of £3.5k one off plus £350/month for 18 months
+variable amount of pension cover for the kids

If he died he'd he leaving me:
Life cover of £260k - not decreasing, so currently would clear the mortgage + £10k, so as our equity increases more would be left after clearing the mortgage
Pension payments - unknown, as he's not organised enough to tell me anything, but I know his pension pot is currently worth considerably less than mine.
Bereavement support payment (assuming what I've read is correct) of £3.5k one off plus £350/month for 18 months

Context:

We both work full time earning a similar wage. Clearing the mortgage would still mean we are short each month if on one salary (I've taken into account reduced bills etc), by approx £200/month on our current lifestyle.

I do the majority of childcare pickups around work (kids in school/childcare during work hours), he would struggle to continue his current job as its not as flexible and would likely have to quit and find something more flexible/closer to home.

He will likely inherit from his parents (hopefully they live long lives, but I think they're still in a position to make sure he's taken care of). I will likely not inherit - unless there is a big change in my families fortunes.

Basically, I've made sure I'll leave him in a position where he could afford to live well, take a year or two off to support the kids.

I will be OK financially for around 18 months with the help of the bereavement support payment. I will have to continue to work full time and wouldn't be able to take any time off to support the kids. I would likely have to find a way to increase my salary within two years, or face a decrease in our standard of living.

I have tried multiple times to discuss this with him. Usually when he makes some joke about being dead before he's 50 as he's so unhealthy - healthy weight currently but his diet is appalling and doesn't have a great family history with health issues. He just says I'll be fine as I won't have a mortgage. I explain its not just about the mortgage, I wouldn't be able to cover all other expenses on one income and he still insists I'd be fine.

I'd adjust yes, I'm fortunate that we'd have the house and arguably it would be less upheaval for the kids despite having to make changes/cut back to minimum (no clubs, swimming, careful food budget etc). Imagine if he died now and I'd still have to be packing the kids off to breakfast/after school club because I couldn't afford to take time off work to support them! He's in a position to change this but won't.

Thank you if you got this far. Didn't want to leave anything out. AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude to this?

Just to add - writing this our has made me realise that I've made decisions with solely the kids in mind. I want to make sure they're OK as the upheaval to their lives would be awful.

He's made decisions that he thinks will benefit me and make sure I'm OK, I don't think he's considered the kids at all.

He's probably a better husband than I am a wife as I haven't really thought of him at all. But as a father, why won't be just listen and make better decisions!!

Why does he have no Death in Service?

I have never thought about this in great detail. But I would be in a similar position.

Do you have separate finances? We pay ours jointly. Have you looked into the cost for increasing his? Is he not happy to increase it? Maybe offer to cover the cost for your own piece of mind (if affordable).

Not all jobs offer this. I’m NHS and DP would get a chunk if I died in service, but if he died his small family run company wouldn’t give me anything (which we understand and have planned for).

Same position here OP but with no kids just us. He would be better off than me. I’m ok with that as I can cut my cloth accordingly and my job is secure (his isn’t, he’d possibly get let go if he needed significant leave and he only gets statutory sick pay). If it bothers you, then you might need to look at options together and see what could bridge that gap.

Because his employer is a bit shit and does the bare minimum legally.

He won't change job though. I specifically made a move to my employer for the pension and benefits.

he would struggle to continue his current job as its not as flexible and would likely have to quit and find something more flexible/closer to home.
I think you might be surprised at how much he is actually able to do when there is no option for work not to be flexible enough to do any parenting.

he still insists I'd be fine.
he doesnt see the kids extra curriculars as a priority or a need and isnt bothered whether you'd be comfortable when he is dead. Because he is dead.

Me and DH have had similar conversations. I ^joke* that if I die he already has my life insurances and death in service spent in his head. He just smiles.

Life insurance payments come out of the joint account, and we could afford to increase this - but when he spoke to the life insurance people recently he was looking to see if he could reduce monthly payments due to quitting smoking, and wouldn't ask to increase the cover as he doesn't think it's necessary.

Because he wont benefit.

try suggesting you cut back by not paying yours, as your death in service should be enough…

I believe you're correct on the first point.
This is a separate argument 😆

Ah ok. So a conversation needs to be had again if it genuinely worries you. We had to increase ours by I think 30k recently as we extended the house and mortgage and it was an extra £14 a month to cover this-so perhaps get a quote then take it from there. It may not be too expensive then he may be more willing. Good luck 🤞

I'm going to change the death in service benefit to go straight to the kids 😆

With this attitude he'd probably cancel his own life insurance once the mortgage is paid off.

How can you possibly not be able to afford your bills on one income if you had no mortgage? You sound over extended.

I think YABU to be annoyed at him. Most people avoid thinking about this kind of stuff. They shouldn't but they do, so it's not fair to be annoyed at him for doing what most people do.

In terms of whether he'd leave you with problems if he died, it depends on a couple of things

• Would continuing to work full-time be easy enough to do as a widow? This'll depend on your children's ages, whether they've any issues which make childcare more challenging, whether you've free childcare available from grandparents, etc, etc
• When you talk about having to cut £200/month spending from current lifestyle, is that easy enough to do? Some families could easily spend £200/month less without even really noticing, others there isn't really any fat to trim.
• What his pension pot is. Doesn't he get an annual statement?

Not all employers offer this, I've worked in places that do and places that dont, it not a universal benefit by any means

You are being ridiculous in my opinion. Your cover is decreasing, his isn't. So there's probably going to come a time when yours is shit and his is way better because its not decreasing. Not all jobs have death in service benefits, and you can't force someone into a job that does have this benefit.

Could you decrease your payments and put that money into an investment fund you have if he dies? He also gets it if you die, so you're both covered.

On our current lifestyle. Keeping savings for Christmas presents, holiday (UK), car running costs (own outright), and basic bills. And some spending money.

The cost of living has risen a lot, not sure if you noticed - the mortgage is just one payment.

Of course we could 'afford' it on one income with no mortgage, but we would have to change our living standards - that's not exactly fair on the kids considering they would have just lost their father. Sorry your Dad's dead and Father Christmas isn't dropping by this year.

Yeah, I could actually cut £200 easy enough. The figure includes savings for Christmas/holidays etc. I am being a bit ridiculous. I'm just annoyed that I'm giving him options and a good sum and he's like 'well you won't have sky sports to pay for so you'll be fine'.

Mine is decreasing but would still clear the mortgage plus £150k on top.

I can't force him to change job - and I've never asked him to. What I'm asking is as he doesn't have these benefits then can he increase his life insurance cover to make sure me and the kids are well supported financially.

So you take out lots of life insurance on him ... job done.

I'm organised enough to know how much money we'd need to live on, but not enough to know you can insure someone else!
Thank you - I'll add this to my to do list.
He'd have real problems being an adult if I did go first.

You sound highly strung. I assume your mortgage is by far your highest bill - once this is gone you'd surely have lots more money freed up? This would be more than wiped out by the loss of a wage, but still a significant monthly saving.

It's not realistic to expect to live the same lifestyle if one of you died - of course you'd have less money. I'm sure you'd still have enough money to get by with a decent standard of living. Do your children go to a private school? This is the only big bill I can think of that could possibly wipe out a whole wage.

No private school.
Our budget includes savings etc - so basically if he died I'd have to drop some savings (holiday or Christmas etc) or make other changes to lifestyle.

If you add up all of your bills - council tax, utilities, broadband, insurances, water, childcare, clubs, food, commute, petrol etc - does this not come to more than your mortgage?

I could do all this on one wage, easily. But I'd have a limited amount left over for savings and spending - I'd have to make sacrifices compared to our current standard of living. And I'd definitely still have to work full time while supporting two bereaved children.

What I'm saying is I've made sure I won't leave him in that dilemma. He can choose take time out of work if the kids need it. He wouldn't have to sacrifice an annual holiday or his own personal spending money to make sure all the bills could be paid. In fact, he'd have a much more comfortable financially than he is now. And I want that for them if they were without me. I'd want him to be able to fund university, take nice holidays, give them money for a deposit. Because I wouldn't be here to do these things for them.

He won't do the same, despite being able to afford to.

It's also not even that he hasn't put sufficient provision in place to make sure we'd be financially secure. It's his attitude towards it when I asked him to amend the amount - like I was being ridiculous because I won't have a mortgage or sky sports bill.

His wage is more than the combined total of the mortgage + sky sports! Obviously there would be a shortfall and he won't consider making sure there isn't.

I lost my DH last year, and, of course, the money coming in drops. But, as long as you have enough to live on, that’s all it needs to be.🤷‍♀️