Life insurance/death benefits

[ChandlersMum]

I kind of am being unreasonable, because I know this is coming from a position of privilege. I suppose my question is, in my position am I unreasonable to be annoyed at my partners attitude to this/worried about the future.

Also apologies for the length. I just need to rant.

We both have life insurance and pensions, but if one of us died we'd leave the other in very different financial positions.

If I died I'd be leaving him:
Decreasing life cover of £400k (mortgage +£150k)
Death in service benefit of approx £180k (at this time)
Pension payments (variable depending on if I died now or in 10 years etc)
Bereavement support payment (assuming what I've read is correct) of £3.5k one off plus £350/month for 18 months
+variable amount of pension cover for the kids

If he died he'd he leaving me:
Life cover of £260k - not decreasing, so currently would clear the mortgage + £10k, so as our equity increases more would be left after clearing the mortgage
Pension payments - unknown, as he's not organised enough to tell me anything, but I know his pension pot is currently worth considerably less than mine.
Bereavement support payment (assuming what I've read is correct) of £3.5k one off plus £350/month for 18 months

Context:

We both work full time earning a similar wage. Clearing the mortgage would still mean we are short each month if on one salary (I've taken into account reduced bills etc), by approx £200/month on our current lifestyle.

I do the majority of childcare pickups around work (kids in school/childcare during work hours), he would struggle to continue his current job as its not as flexible and would likely have to quit and find something more flexible/closer to home.

He will likely inherit from his parents (hopefully they live long lives, but I think they're still in a position to make sure he's taken care of). I will likely not inherit - unless there is a big change in my families fortunes.

Basically, I've made sure I'll leave him in a position where he could afford to live well, take a year or two off to support the kids.

I will be OK financially for around 18 months with the help of the bereavement support payment. I will have to continue to work full time and wouldn't be able to take any time off to support the kids. I would likely have to find a way to increase my salary within two years, or face a decrease in our standard of living.

I have tried multiple times to discuss this with him. Usually when he makes some joke about being dead before he's 50 as he's so unhealthy - healthy weight currently but his diet is appalling and doesn't have a great family history with health issues. He just says I'll be fine as I won't have a mortgage. I explain its not just about the mortgage, I wouldn't be able to cover all other expenses on one income and he still insists I'd be fine.

I'd adjust yes, I'm fortunate that we'd have the house and arguably it would be less upheaval for the kids despite having to make changes/cut back to minimum (no clubs, swimming, careful food budget etc). Imagine if he died now and I'd still have to be packing the kids off to breakfast/after school club because I couldn't afford to take time off work to support them! He's in a position to change this but won't.

Thank you if you got this far. Didn't want to leave anything out. AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude to this?

Sorry for your loss. I know I'm lucky to have him, and I know we'd have enough to live on. I'm just frustrated at his attitude.

You can insure his life, if you want to.

And then remind him of that frequently. Call him Trevor occasionally too.

He'd have real problems being an adult if I did go first.
I think we’re in similar financial positions and this totally resonates too!! I sometimes think I simply can’t die because they’d be a bit stuck frankly.

have you got plans for dc in terms of uni support etc? Is that a way to make him think again that ok he’d be fine day to day but their long term future would be financially negatively affected? Is he simply (like so many including my dh) unwilling to think about his own death - which is understandable but you could sell as a set and forget policy once you’ve both agreed what works. He might also see it as wasted money and be thinking about the alternative; does he question house and car insurance?

He's actually always worried about money, and would never think about not having car or home insurance. Which makes it even more frustrating.

He stresses about money but also doesn't pay attention to the family finances.

My DH died 18 months ago and I guess I was 'lucky' in that the life insurance / death in service was all ok
But it is amazing how many of us don't have up to date wills / arrangements re: DC / pets etc
I did take out 2 new life insurance policies as ours was a joint one so ended but it will be enough to cover funeral expenses and a couple of holidays (for the DC)

He's being very unreasonable.
When my late husband and I had children, we made sure, through death in service, life insurance, pensions etc that if one of us died the other one would have enough income to be able to live mortgage-free and not to have to work at all until the youngest was 18 years old.
Our view was that if children had to go through that kind of bereavement their remaining parent should be around for them as much as possible and shouldn't need to be worried about living costs, juggling work as a single parent with small children etc.
Like most people we never thought it would happen, but sadly it did. My husband died leaving me a widow with 2 children under 5, who are now adults. I've always been so relieved that we had the foresight to plan and that despite all the appalling times, money worries didn't come into it.

ISeriouslyDoubtIt I'm sorry for your and your DC loss and I'm glad you had financial security.

Now that my dc are older teens this is exactly what I’ve done. We have enough life insurance that the last part of the mortgage would be paid, and he’d get my pension but the death in service benefit would go to my very-almost adult children. He wouldn’t need it. I’d be happy for him to do the same but he doesn’t have the same benefits.