To expect a little more understanding from LM

[Mum8929]

I Have an almost two year old and work PT three days a week. I have made a very strong effort to take the least amount of time possible when my DD is sick, sent home from nursery we will usually ask my in laws to help or ask for time off annual leave. I have only had to take two separate incidents of sick leave since being back almost a year ago. I’ve pushed through being super ill a few times because I feel bad missing any days of work but the other day I got a really bad sick bug and was stuck running to the toilet so I had to call in. Even though I work from home I felt so dizzy and nauseous I just couldn’t work. Anyway I feel like she’s been very bitchy with me. When I logged on she barely asked me how I was and just sent a link to fill out a sick form. I told her my nursery was now closed for two days because the bug is going around. She didn’t even reply with a message of sympathy. Anyways I’m just fed up, she’s one of those people who doesn’t want kids and I feel like she just judges me for being PT . I don’t expect her to be my friend but just an ounce of sympathy or interest in my life would make me feel more valued in the company. I really try as best as I can to work as hard as I can but it’s just inevitable with a little one I’m going to be ill more often. Am I being unreasonable for expecting a more human response from her? I feel I’ve been giving 110% at work and it’s always like walking on eggshells with her.

I mean this kindly OP, but she's your manager not your friend. She's not making comments about your absences, you're not under pressure to work when your child is unwell. Ultimately yes it would be nice if she asked how you were etc. but that is not her job, and you are clearly expecting more from her than she will give, and setting yourself up to fail.

I always like to have a chat with my team members when the kids are ill etc, make sure they’re ok and can cope with their workloads. I also have kids though, so know what it’s like.

Showing interest in their lives and giving them some sympathy/flexibility means they work harder and are better team members at other times in my experience.

This really. She has to remain detached incase it comes to disaplinary action

It's a little difficult to work out from your op - but how many no notice days have you had to take off in one year? And are you taking it in turns with the child's father?

Do you ever show any interest in her life? Do you judge her for not having kids (cos it sounds like you do).

She's your manager, not your friend. She did what she was supposed to do which was send you the form to complete.

I don't understand why you need her to sympathise with you about nursery being closed. It's nothing to do with work. All she is interested in is that you turn up and do the job you are paid to do.

This! I feel like I would be more motivated to do well if she was like that. I am starting to want to look for another job because of the way she is. I wish managers understood that!

Do you judge her for not having kids (cos it sounds like you do).

My first thought too.

Only two or three I think and yes taking turns with my husband. I know lots of people with kids who have had a lot more sickness absenses.

Well, I think you do get much more out of people if you are genuinely interested in their wellbeing and in who they are as people, what's going on for them etc.

But some managers just aren't interested, and I'm not really sure why you would want them to feign interest in a performative way when they don't actually give a shit. How would that kind of fake empathy benefit you, I wonder?

I do think it's reasonable to wish for a more empathetic manager but I think it's unreasonable to complain on the Internet about a manager that doesn't actually seem to be giving you a hard time about your absences.

In all honesty I'd keep a spreadsheet so you can demonstrate he is doing 50% or more of the disruption. When I went back to work during covid times my LO was off so often and it was only when I showed my LM a spreadsheet demonstrating that my DH was doing twice as many days looking after her than me that they eased up

Yes unless she's actually said anything about your absences I'm not sure what your complaint is here

Gently your manager doesn't sound unreasonable. I say this as someone who returned pt after mat leave - I never expected my manager to be my friend or deal with absences in an informal sympathetic manner because as much as it can't be helped it often impacts them and others.
I also used to feel paranoid people judged as I was the only pt worker in office and a single parent so all sickness fell on me. You know you aren't skiving off so my only solution was to be thick skinned and not dwell on snide comments others made I did my hours and didn't give the job or people a second thought. It made the decision to retrain and leave the job much easier.

She's doing her job in a professional way and it doesn't sound as though she's actually pressurising you to work when you can't. Whether she has or wants children isn't relevant.

Agreed, and I wonder if the absence of own children would even be mentioned if the manager was male.

Doubt it

Not everyone does want that though OP. Yes, the best managers flex their style to their staff, so she could improve by doing so in your case. However it doesn't sound like she's being bitchy, or unreasonable or unpleasant about your need to take time off. That sounds like self projection tbh.

I am very much a "keep work separate" person. I don't want my boss asking about my kids or my holidays etc. I like keeping a professional distance. Perhaps your boss is the same

She's not paid to be sympathetic. She's paid to ensure that the organisation you work for runs smoothly. The fact that you have kids is not her problem, the fact that the nursery is closed is not her problem. If you agree to do a job when you have kids you cannot expect special treatment or your manager to mop your brow. This is why companies used to be reluctant (and probably still are) to employ women in more senior roles. I also feel you are being judgemental because she doesn't have children. You clearly expect some sort of leeway.

How is she 'being bitchy' with you ?
How do you know she doesn't want kids ?
TBH when people phone in if their kids are sick I'm not really that interested.
( I do have a child).

Her role is to manage her team.

Honestly your problems are not her problems. Fill in the form, do the “back to work” procedure's.

Just because she doesn’t have children doesn’t mean she’s an ogre.

@Mum8929 I feel she should ask you how you are? Part of your job as a manager is to make sure the people you manage are ok - so you check in on them. I'm pretty sure where I work it's mandatory to ask people when they get back from sick leave

When you say sick leave OP are you conflating you being off because you are ill, with you being off to look after your child who is ill? It’s not clear but these two things should be treated differently

Your comments about your line manager's personal life are completely out of order @Mum8929 - on that YABU - very.

Yes, it's hard with small children. YANBU there - I don't doubt you are trying really hard.

It could also be that there are specific pressures on your line manager - deadlines etc, which you don't know about, but that she has to juggle, at the same time as dealing with covering for you on sick leave.

Yes, yes, as a manager that's her job, but nowadays managers often don't get the support they need in order to support the employees they're managing.

Are you a single parent OP? Because if your DD has another parent, it's not really on to expect your employer to always be the one having their staff member absent. So often people prioritise the Big full time job in the household with the second job being taken far less seriously. Which is pretty unfair to that employer. If you're a couple I think you need to make sure it's not always you taking time off. If you're a single parent, you have my sympathies. It's very hard to balance work and childcare alone. However it's incredibly frustrating when staff are unreliable even if it's not their fault.

she’s one of those people who doesn’t want kids and I feel like she just judges me for being PT

This makes me feel uncomfortable as it reads as quite sexist.

Just wondering if it would even enter your head to think like that, if your manager was male?

And what does "She barely asked me how I was" even mean?

She asked you or she didn't.

How specifically is she being 'bitchy'? Talking about you to colleagues? Sneering at you when you are in her presence? Sending passive aggressive emails/messages?

She isn't there to mollycoddle you. Your clear judgement about her not wanting kids is in very poor taste so I would reconsider that attitude if I were you.

I'm a female General Manager. When someone is sick, I take them off their shift and tell them to let me know when they are fit to return. They have a return to work interview to see if there is anything they need. I don't contact them when they are off/ill, I would get in trouble for that. Its all done in an efficent, polite manner. No hard feelings, just professional.

What exactly are you expecting? You have given her more work to do to cover your work, why would she spend any time sending you a 'message of sympathy'?

Sounds like you need to get over yourself a bit tbh.