Please help, my partner is frightening

[Heartsandflora]

Hi.

I need some opinions/help please. It may be long but I've tried to include as much relevant info as possible.

I have been with my partner 6 years and we have two children 3 and 1, the eldest is autistic. Before meeting my partner I was in an extremely abusive relationship and I have significant trauma, however I have worked through this in therapy and on my own. But I don't think that sort of pain ever leaves a person.

My partner has borderline personality disorder, ADHD and autism. All diagnosed and therapy sought, medication etc. I have always been tolerant of his behaviours and quirks despite how rude/mean he can be to me and others.

This past year has been really hard. One blow after another and we are fortunate to have survived it. But I think we are hanging by a very thin thread.

He's now horrible all the time, I hardly see any good anymore. I can never be frustrated or upset when I've had a hard day with the children as he says it stresses him out. He can't do any wake ups as he can't cope with them. No nappy changes. No help with the children at all, as the noise/mess etc is too much. He will however do the washing, hoovering, lunches and dishes, and goes the shop for whatever we need. Which I am extremely grateful for as our Sen child cannot be left unattended for even a second and these jobs I would have to do when they go to bed.

He calls me the c word regularly when he is annoyed/angry about something. Ive repeatedly told him not to as this is what my abusive ex used to do and it's extremely triggering for me. He doesn't care. He also said today it was lucky I had a minge because if I was a man he'd have laid me out. He's never physically hurt me but there are holes in the walls and doors from him punching them and he threw a shoe in my direction today which I suppose is an escalation.

I am scared of him and feel a bit trapped as he has nowhere else to go and nobody else to understand why he is the way he is. His family have washed their hands of him recently as his behaviour extended to them too. He will honestly be homeless if I ask him to leave and I just can't do that to him.

Hes done numerous things in the past I've had to forgive him for such as messaging my own sister on a dating app. Snap chatting other women. Messaging other women on various platforms and I truly believe the only reason he hasn't cheated is because nobody took him up on his advances. But I'm also not allowed to feel anything about these indiscretions or he gets very angry and it was my fault for looking through his phone, which I do know was wrong and maybe in hindsight ignorance would have been bliss.

All these behaviours are making me extremely sick, I've lost a significant amount of weight, hair is falling out etc and I don't know where to turn. I don't really have anybody I can go to/ask for help. The tenancy is joint and so are finances. I've considered asking somebody to help me section him but he said he would fight every step of the way and kill himself if that ever happened. Plus I don't know how I'd do it without him finding out and running away.

I don't want to betray him but he's extremely unwell and extremely unhappy. He can be kind and loving and generous. But there's none of that left anymore, it's just a giant black hole of selfishness, anger and resentment. I cry myself to sleep every night. How can I help him? How can I bring him back to who he was before? Or am I naive and stupid and this is who he's always been and will be?

@Heartsandflora you should be asking how can I help myself and my children . Not how can you help him .

Honestly I’d separate finances and bank accounts . Do nothing know for him sleep separately if you can.

Take care me of your wee ones a walk and call women’s aid to help with getting re homed .

if you left when won’t be homeless.
or
if you what hon gone women’s aid can help
you arrange this too with support and guidance .

You can't help him and you can't change him, he is abusive and is not seeking help. It is not your responsibility to be his punch bag, (verbal for now but it's escalating). You need to escape for the sake of your children.

He is no longer your partner but someone you have to escape, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. He is harming your mental health but you are not allowed to feel, that is worse.

I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this, you and your children deserve to live in calm safety in a loving kind environment. Please contact Womens aid and well done for reaching out it is so incredibly brave to take those first steps. Xx

It's really important that you don't do anything different for now. If you are planning to leave you need a safety plan and help to get out. Anything that alerts him can put you and your DC in danger. Please talk to your GP, Women's Aid and the Police. Women's Aid can help you with counselling during and after. You have made the first step in admitting to yourself it is abuse. Hopefully the support in this thread will help you to see that getting out is your only option. Stay safe

You also CAN NOT forgive him for messaging anyone, much less your sister on a dating platform. Do you not see - men like this always line up a new woman because they know they need looking after. And they hold off on calling them cunts until they think they’ve got her trapped. They prey on kind, empathic women.

it is not your job to sacrifice your mental and physical health for this person. You must start thinking of and caring for yourself and not of him - he will make sure he’s sorted after you end your terrible relationship. I guarantee it.

Hi OP you can’t change him or “make him the way he was”.

He is abusive and has worn you down to the point you think there is no escape. His personality disorders, and other issues are an excuse not a reason for his behaviours. You need to formulate a plan, get help to leave safely, for your kids if not just yourself. Do you honestly think your SEN child can be thriving in this atmosphere? No.
Perhaps they are so clingy to you because of what they are picking up on. Please go. He is not your problem, your kids and your own well being are. Good luck.

Forget this perception that you have of “betraying him” by leaving him.

You are betraying your own children by staying with him, only to be subjected to his abuse.

Even if he doesn’t abuse them directly, your children watching or hearing him abuse you will scar them for life.

They might even grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour so that they then repeat the abuse cycle with their spouse and your grandchildren.

Wishing you lots of strength to leave this situation.

You're terrified in your own home.
Your hair is falling out.
Your house has holes punched in the walls.
Your children are being exposed to verbal abuse and highly threatening behaviour.

You need to leave or have him removed from the house.

Take photos of all the damage he's caused. Contact the police and report him for domestic abuse and then decide on the best way forward - e.g. get emergency housing for you and the kids.

Whatever you do, you need to act immediately and end this insanity.

OP it sounds like you don’t love him or want him around, and he’s bad for your children and not very helpful either. It sounds like you’re having difficulty leaving because you feel sorry for him or have been impacted by previous trauma in a way which makes it difficult to leave. I’m sorry you’re in this awful position and suggest you speak to a domestic abuse charity about the process for getting him out. Given his tendency to be rude and aggressive, I suggest you have a plan in place before leaving as he’s unpredictable and you don’t know how he might react. Your feelings are completely valid and your inclination to want him out is the right one. Trust yourself.

You are putting him before your children, OP.

None of his diagnoses excuse his behaviour. He's just being a bastard.

Get yourself & your kids out, asap.

I might be wrong but to me it does not sound like he is acutely mentally unwell and at risk of completing suicide meaning that he would be sectionable.
It sounds like he is neurodivergent and has mental health difficulties and is projecting his stress and frustration onto you. This may be linked to sensory sensitivities but that does not make it okay. He is stressed and he is not owning it as his stress, he is blaming you for it (e.g. by swearing at you). He is not able to regulate his emotions and manage his stress and frustration and he is acting this out by hitting walls - and again not owning it and taking responsibility to learn to manage his emotions.
I’m afraid that this is going to carry on and most likely get worse. This behaviour is terrifying you and it is going to be terrifying your children. Their current experience will be of a father who is frightening and unpredictable and a mother who is crumbling.
I can imagine that it is really frightening for you to think of leaving him and having to bring up your two kids alone. If you stay with him, you will be failing to protect them and this abuse will stay with them for a lifetime.
You need to contact a domestic abuse charity and get some support about how you are going to get yourself and your children into a safer situation.
The fact that you’ve written this post is a sign that you know this already. It’s going to be really hard over the next few months and even years. But if you stay in this situation, you will really be setting you and your kids up for a lifetime of fear and their own serious mental health difficulties.

OP, you living in fear and misery, being ill, and having your children party to this is not worse than him being homeless.

You cannot help him, apart from anything else his behaviour is robbing you of every faculty you would need to help anyone… your health, your mental health, your confidence and your self esteem.

The people you CAN help, and need to help, are your children and yourself.

However, I think you need professional support, and it might be best for you to get help to remove yourself to a safe place.

Is there anyone in your family you can rely on? Any local services for supporting women living with abuse? Do you have any savings?

Get out now. Call the police. Report him. Get him removed from the property, put yourself and your kids first. You can do this. You will realise that you are doing the majority on your own anyway and the relief of not walking on eggshells every minute of the day is immense and and so worth it

He makes you feel unsafe.
He is not parenting
He is threatening to kill himself and blaming you.
He has cheated (looking is as bad as physical for me!)

Non me of this behaviour is acceptable.
None of this behaviour is your fault.
None of this behaviour is due to his adhd/autism.

And you are putting this 'man' above your children. For the sake of your children get out. Would you be happy if your child was in a relationship like this? No, you wouldn't. Get out and get out quick as his behaviour is escalating. When you leave he will lose control and his behaviour will escalate, do not give in, do not go back to him.

You deserve better.

Contact women's aid now, in secret. They will support you. Do it today.

You wrote this post knowing deep down that it isn't right. He doesn't care about you or the kids, he is prioritising himself. Now remeber that, he is not your problem, you can't solve his problems. He is an adult that needs to do that himself.

He's a violent abusive faithless fuck and if he DID top himself the world would be a better place frankly.

Get your children away from the bastard.

He isn't unwell. He's just a first class prick. Please contact Woman's Aid and get the support and help you need to get out.

Op, you have to leave, this will only get worse. Make a safe plan first, look it up on the internet. He is abusing you and therefore also the children.

Why will he be "homeless"? If he's paying rent at your place he can go and pay it somewhere else. And people like him always find some other sucker to put up with their nonsense.

Whatever your kids are seeing is where they are getting their ideas on what relationships are and how men / women behave (and what women should be expected to put up with). The older one's already going to remember at least some of it. Is this what you want for them.